


passed down like folksongs

by charmedtenderness



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Flower Language, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Reader needs a hug too, Slow Burn, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, also if this flops i will cry, but not really, goes through the whole show thus far, if we get a s4 before i publish the ending it doesn't exist here, inspo pulled from taylor swift's folklore album, reader is tommy hagan's step-sister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 50,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27847858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmedtenderness/pseuds/charmedtenderness
Summary: Living in Hawkins was never easy for anyone. However, it becomes ten times more difficult than usual when you catch feelings for one Steve Harrington. What should be a simple schoolgirl crush ends up being complicated by your step-brother, Tommy Hagan, and the mysterious goings-on in the town of Hawkins.
Relationships: Steve Harrington/Reader, Steve Harrington/You
Comments: 19
Kudos: 69





	1. who knows if she never showed up what could've been?

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve returned from the dead with a whole series to give y’all! It’s the folklore fic that I’ve mentioned a few times already. You don’t have to listen to Taylor Swift or know the album to understand it as it’s just a loose outline for my plot of the story. This prologue’s got a lot of exposition, but it picks up I promise! Let me know if you like it!!!

When you first arrived in Hawkins, Indiana it was a bright and sunny afternoon in 1979. Your mom was recently divorced and decided to pack up everything in your hometown and leave. Moving away was saddening, but the pull of being somewhere new was intriguing.

However, what your mom  _ didn’t _ mention was that she had a boyfriend only months after some papers were signed. All she bothered to mention was that she had a special friend that you would love. You weren’t completely sure what that meant.

Well, you weren’t sure until you met Mr. Hagan for the first time. He was accompanied by his perfect and well-behaved son, Tommy, who was around a year older. Inclined to believe the man, you and the other boy are left in the living room of his house as your mom and his dad went off to the kitchen to talk about something.

“Your mom’s a whore,” was the first thing out of his mouth as soon as all adults were out of ear-shot.

You stared in shock, “A-a what?”

“Your mom made my parents break-up and now my dad wants to marry your mom,” he said in a huff.

“That’s not true! My mom said your dad’s just a friend.”

“Keep telling yourself that, you’re supposed to be my stupid step-sister.”

As confused as you were at the time, it turned out that Tommy was right. Your mom did end up marrying his dad. It was a pretty wedding on the surface, though a lot of the decorations were gaudy. Those were the words of the various guests. People who didn’t seem too keen on your mom or you.

Despite the growing pains, you were shoved into Hawkins Middle School. The first person you met was Barbara Holland, a mild-mannered girl who was nothing but kind to you. She was even kinder after figuring out you were stuck living with Tommy, of all people. That also meant hanging out with Nancy Wheeler too, it quickly became a nice trio of friends.

That was exactly what you needed as most of the small town looked down on your mom, insisting that she was part of ruining one of the final, perfect families of the town. It was something Tommy never let you forget. Just because he couldn’t back-talk your mom didn’t mean he couldn’t make your life hell to some degree.

You weren’t all that close to your step-dad, though he did get you a greenhouse for your birthday when you mentioned that you liked plants. It was a chance to physically get out of the house, and you weren’t going to turn that down. The first things you planted in there were some daffodils and white carnations.

Oftentimes, you were home and Tommy would have other people over. Namely his girlfriend, Carol, and his best friend, Steve. You weren’t sure if they were best friends, but if that wasn’t the case, then you didn’t get why he was around all the time.

All was as fine as it could be barring your mom’s issues with the next-door neighbor. You didn’t know much about them, but your mom took their white cat and dyed it a bright green color. Tommy insisted that your mom went off the deep-end when all of that happened. Though, his dad insisted she was the perfect burst of vitality or something in that zone. That didn’t stop him from getting a heart attack when you just barely started high school. The old man survived, but Tommy blamed your mom and you by some odd extension.

It never mattered that his dad was fine. He still stole your diary that you used to take everywhere with you regardless of that fact. You thought you just misplaced it and put it somewhere silly. Surely it would turn up at any time. It wasn’t anything you hadn’t done before.

However, when it did turn up, it was when you got up from sitting with Nancy and Barb and saw the unthinkable. Tommy pulled out your diary and handed it over to both Carol and Steve. All you could do was pretend like you didn’t see and convince yourself that this wasn’t happening. You turned away before you could see what their reactions were.

Of course, that meant you didn’t see Steve’s obvious hesitance. He shook his head in disbelief, “Tommy, this is crazy.”

“Yeah, crazy as in all the stuff she writes in here! You gotta check it out!” Tommy insisted.

Carol shrugged as she took the diary and opened it to a random page before she started to laugh, “Steve, come on.”

“Uh, I think I’m good. C’mon, she obviously saw us. It’s a dick move, even for you guys,” Steve said.

Tommy rolled his eyes, “You’re just worried that she writes a bunch of creepy shit about you.”

“No, this is just shitty,” he replied and took the diary right out of Carol’s hands.

The bell rang right as he got up. You planned to pretend as if nothing happened. If anything, you made an effort to avoid Tommy. Of course, that meant colliding right into Steve Harrington.  _ He probably read that stupid diary. _ Not that it mattered. You didn’t know enough about him, or care enough about him, to write anything serious about him.

Instead, he practically shoved the thing right into your hands, “Uh, I think that’s yours.”

He was on his way before you could say anything. You didn’t bother to do anything other than put it in your backpack. Then, the day continued as it always did with classes and sticking with Nancy and Barb as always.

It was around dinner time when you got dropped back at your house after doing homework and talking with Barb and Nancy. The Wheeler household was the best place to hang out because Mrs. Wheeler always had snacks ready and dinner was always ready at the same time every night. Your mom ended up getting stuck with a lot of the cooking and she tried her best, but it didn’t always work out. Meaning that takeout was commonplace.

How Steve got wrapped into third-wheeling with Tommy and Carol at your house was beyond you. All you knew was that he was watching some sitcom in the living room.

“Hey, I’d wait before going upstairs. Um, Tommy’s, well… you know,” Steve attempted to explain as his face reddened a bit.

You nodded slowly, understanding, “Okay then, guess I’ll just stay down here.”

You set your backpack next to the coat rack before taking off your jacket and shoes. Steve was all but sprawled across the couch so you took the loveseat that was next to him.

Nothing was said for a while, both of you avoiding any conversation about the diary. Instead, the television filled the awkward silence. You weren’t interested in what was going on, but you had no clue how to say that you wanted to see if there was anything on.

“I saw you guys’re out of ice cream,” Steve said.

You shrugged, “Um, yeah, probably.”

“Do you wanna go to the store and get some?”

“I don’t have a car…” you trailed off.

Steve laughed, “I meant do you wanna come with me and get some ice cream? Tommy and Carol take  _ forever _ and I can’t be bothered to flip through all these channels right now.”

“Uh, okay.”

“If you don’t wanna, you don’t have to, I just thought I’d suggest it or whatever-”

“No, I’m fine with going.”

Going to the grocery store with Steve Harrington on a Wednesday night wasn’t how you thought the day would turn out. If nothing else, you knew it would fix the awkwardness of all the nights you and Steve would be stuck in the living room that was to come.


	2. you were never mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re on summer vacation and the only person you can really hang out with is Steve Harrington. A summer fling wasn’t your plan, but you never know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the happiest reader is gonna be for a long time. have fun!

Summer vacation was supposed to be filled with fun times and making memories with friends. That was a bit hard to do when Nancy was on vacation and Barb was at a summer camp a couple of states away. So, of course, your mom and stepdad had to find a place to vacation. 

What better place was there than the saltbox house your step-dad owned right on the coast of Montauk? Almost anywhere else since Tommy got to bring both Carol and Steve along and you didn’t have anyone.

That wasn’t completely true, you and Steve were on good terms. Which meant occasionally watching dumb sitcoms together while Tommy and Carol were off doing something else. Though, Steve did have a girlfriend or several, so you didn’t see him all that often over the last few months. None of those several girlfriends were ever talked about on the trip. Mostly because Steve was single, a fact that Tommy wouldn’t drop.

“Come on, Stevie, look at all these babes! Just work your magic already,” Tommy said as they all sat at the beach.

Steve shrugged, “I don’t know, no one’s really speaking to me, you know?”

“Of course he knows, Tommy’s only been with me for, what, how long?” Carol asked.

“Three years,” you said, laying across a towel, “Three, long, really annoying years.”

Carol rolled her eyes, “You’re just jealous because you’ve never even been kissed.”

“Um, you can’t prove that,” you replied, “I can prove that you and Tommy are loud, though.”

Steve laughed, “She’s got a point.”

“Fine, we’ll just head back to the house. You thought it was bad before, just wait,” Tommy said, getting up, “Come on, Carol.”

Carol rolled her eyes, “I thought we were gonna go in the ocean or something.”

“This is gonna be way more fun,” Tommy insisted, “Besides, they’re being assholes anyway.”

You laugh as they started to walk off, “I guess  _ we’re _ the assholes, Steve.”

“Yep, guess so,” Steve said with a sigh and then leaned over to her when they left, “Five bucks says they get caught.”

You shrug, “They won’t, they’ve been doing this for years, it’s pretty much down to a science.”

“Well, I don’t wanna be around while they’re going at it. So what do you wanna do?”

You shrug once again, “I don’t think you’d really like the same stuff that I do. It’s kinda stupid, we can just stay here if you want… or if you, like, wanna go off and do something on your own that’s cool too.”

“Oh, come on, Y/N, I’m not gonna just leave you alone here,” Steve said, his brow furrowed in thought, “Okay, how about we do something you really wanna do, and then we do something I wanna do and just go back and forth like that?”

It wasn’t a bad idea and you wondered why you hadn’t thought of it earlier. Probably because you never thought Steve wanted to spend an extended amount of time around you. The only time you were ever around him was when Tommy and Carol were off doing things. It only made sense that Steve would rather find some cute girl on the beach to flirt with and spend most of the trip with.

Steve looked down and licked his lips, “Um, unless you wanna just be on your own for a bit, that’s cool too, I’ll just-”

“No, no, I like that idea,” you quickly say.

He grinned, “Alright, well my mom raised me to be a gentleman, so where to?”

“We don’t have to do my thing first, it’s fine-”

“Where to? Ladies always go first.”

You let out a sigh, “There’s supposed to be this really neat botanical garden a few blocks away. Hawkins doesn’t really have anything like that, so I thought it’d be neat to see it.”

“Funny, I thought there was one of those right in your backyard.”

“That’s just a normal garden, Steve.”

He shrugged, “Botanical is plant stuff, right?”

“That’s not totally how it works.”

“Then I guess you’ll just have to show me, huh?” he replied as he got up from a lounge chair before offering you a hand.

You can’t help but smile a bit and take his hand, getting up. The walk wasn’t supposed to be too long, but it turned out neither Steve nor yourself had a good sense of direction. Though, you both made it soon enough.

Truth be told, you were by no means an expert on gardening or flowers. They were pretty and smelled nice, so you wanted to plant as many of them as you could. The only thing your step-dad ever gave you that meant anything was a greenhouse in the backyard so you could have some plants almost year-round.

Steve mostly followed you around and asked the occasional question. Most of which, you had no answer for. You didn’t know how to pronounce most of those official Latin names and you made a fool of yourself trying to do just that.

You knelt next to the flowers and tried to get pictures on your polaroid with the names of the different plants in it. They weren’t all that great by any means. You just wanted to see if you couldn’t find any when you went back home to Hawkins.

“Are you gonna want any pictures of you?” Steve asked at one point as you focused on some light purple lilacs.

You shook your head, “Nah, my mom’s probably gonna get plenty of those.”

He nodded and carried on with looking around at the different flowers. They were pretty and he could see that clear as day. Of course, he didn’t know much about plants or growing them. He barely passed biology his freshman year, but he didn’t need a good grade to see how nice this place was. He also didn’t need a good grade to see how content you were there.

It took a long while for you to get through all of the gardens, but Steve didn’t mind in the slightest. When you took a look at your watch as you both let you frowned a bit.

“You should’ve told me I was taking so long,” you said as you walked next to him.

Steve shook his head, “I wasn’t gonna do that. Besides, I had so much fun there that I got you a souvenir.” 

“There wasn’t a gift shop.”

“Funny, then I wonder what this is,” he said as he held up a gardenia.

Your eyes widened, “You’re not supposed to just take the flowers!”

“Hm… I don’t remember seeing a sign or anything,” he replied and stopped you to put it behind your ear, “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

You felt your face heat up and looked at the ground, “I really can’t believe you sometimes.”

“Come on, we gotta go do my thing now,” Steve said, “It’s gonna be really fun, I think you’re gonna like it.”

“And what’s that?”

“Well, um, it’s a surprise.”

“That just means you have no ideas.”

“No, it doesn’t,” he insisted.

Steve did not, in fact, have any ideas for what to do. The plan had been to just tag along for the trip just like he did in anything that involved Tommy. Nothing about that friendship left him with much to decide for himself. Everyone made choices for him, and now he needed to think of something.

That was when he noticed the ice cream stand, “Right this way, milady.”

“You just wanted ice cream?” you ask, raising a brow.

He nodded, “Yep, I just wanted to get some ice cream with a pretty girl. Come on, I’m buying.”

The two of you get your ice creams and walk along the streets of the small town. As odd as Steve acting this way with you felt, it was nice. You never realized just how much you wanted Steve to like you before. What was worse was you had no idea if he really liked you that much and you didn’t know how to figure that out. 

“Hey, actually, there was one more thing I wanted to do,” he said.

“What?”

“You know that abandoned lighthouse that’s kinda close to the house?”

You are quick to shake your head, “No, not happening.”

“I didn’t even say what I wanted to do!”

“You wanna go inside it, don’t you?”

He shrugged, “Yeah, Tommy always said it was haunted and I wanna find out if he’s full of shit or not.”

“Then why don’t you go with him?”

“Because I don’t trust him to not try and screw with me.”

“Well, then you’ll have to find someone else.”

“What, are you scared?”

“Of course not. Ghosts aren’t real,” you replied before licking some more of your ice cream cone.

“Then if they’re not real, there’s nothing to worry about. And if they are, I’ll protect you.”

You let out a sigh, “Alright, fine. Just tonight and if I find out you got Tommy or Carol in on this, I’ll never let you live it down.”

“Deal.”

You could feel the tension in the air right when you rejoined everyone else. Dinner was strained and awkward. Mostly because your mom and step-dad were the ones strained in talking to each other. It was almost as though they had a fight minutes before getting everyone to go to the reservation at some seafood restaurant.

It left you feeling rather tense as well. Something that Steve was quick to pick up on. You thought that by keeping quiet, no one would notice. Tommy seemed unbothered and Carol was probably too oblivious to care. Though, it left a slight knot of worry in your stomach.

You wished that things could just fix themselves, but you could hear your mom and step-dad softly arguing across the hall from the kitchen as you waited on Steve later into the evening. A part of you was just ready to turn back to your room and call it a night.

Right as you turned to go back, Steve walked in with a backpack slung over his shoulders. His hair was a bit messy after a long day, but he looked as awake as ever.

“You ready?” he asked.

The talking from the other room was starting to get louder, so you nodded. With that, the two of you headed out of the house, letting the door shut softly behind you. Neither of you said much at first. The sun was still up, but just barely. Most of the sky was a dark blue hue as you both walked through the wet sand.

You cleared your throat a bit, “Sorry you had to deal with some of that.”

“Hey, it’s nothing. My parents do that stuff all the time. Are you alright?”

You were quick to nod. Almost too quick, “It’s whatever, really. I mean, what couple doesn’t fight? That’s normal.”

Steve let it go for that moment and kept walking alongside you. Instead of talking about parents and relationships and fighting, he started talking about all the spooky stories he heard. They had to have been bullshit that Tommy made up, but you played along regardless.

“Wait, so you don’t think the tide could’ve just been really high and pulled those guys out to sea?” you ask, “You  _ really  _ think they were just hidden really well all these years?”

He shrugged, “Well when you say it like  _ that _ , I guess you’re right. We could probably ask them, you know.”

“They’re dead, Steve. Ghosts don’t exist,” you said, “This is just dumb because the inside of the lighthouse is probably super cold and wet.

“Well, what do you think’s inside the bag? I brought all the essentials: blankets, alcohol, cigarettes, and there’s probably some food in here too.”

“I think we disagree on what’s essential. Did you at least bring some flashlights?”

“Of course I brought flashlights! How else are we supposed to see everything?”

You stood in front of the lighthouse in an amount of time that was far too quick for your liking. Not that it made much of a difference either way. Steve looked so genuinely excited that you knew he wasn’t going to turn around. The last thing you wanted was for him to run up the stairs and get stuck in some rotting floorboards.

So you walked in with him, flashlight in hand. What was the worst that could happen? Someone could see you guys and call the police, but Steve was clever with that type of stuff. Besides, he was more worried about the ghosts of dead lighthouse keepers than anything grounded in reality.

The inside of the lighthouse was, admittedly, underwhelming. You were hoping for some creepy furniture or something. Instead, it was all empty save for cobwebs and dust.

Unsurprisingly, no ghosts were around to be found. At least, none that you or Steve knew of. Unless you counted the breeze.

“Come on, let’s go up,” Steve said, taking your hand.

You both made it part-way up the staircase until it looked as though the rest of the staircase was too rotted to go up. Several steps were missing, so that left the two of you sitting on the floor of the not haunted lighthouse. Steve brought a bottle of coconut rum he stole from the liquor cabinet to share.

It was a bit chilly so you both stayed right next to each other under a couple of large blankets. Between the alcohol and late night, it was only natural that you both started to talk to each other. Not small talk or quick banter, something more intense than that.

Steve set down the bottle with a sigh, “You know what scares me even more than haunted lighthouses?”

“Hm?”

“Ending up like my dad,” he shook his head, “It’s stupid, but I would give anything to not have a job that sucks the soul out of me. I don’t wanna be an asshole like he is. I try to be better, but sometimes I just feel like it isn’t working out that way.”

You frown a bit and look at him, “Hey, if it’s any consolation, you’re my favorite out of all of Tommy’s friends.”

“That’s not hard.”

“You’re still better than him. Like, you didn’t even read what was in my diary when he stole it.”

“You don’t know that.”

You arched an eyebrow, “Okay, then what did I write about?”

“I, um… okay, maybe you’re right I didn’t do that, but obviously that’s a shitty thing to do. We all know that,” he pointed out, “Tommy just hates you for whatever reason.”

“We all know why. And now that’s all falling apart.”

“What do you mean?”

You shrug and take another swig from the bottle, “They were fighting, our parents. It’s been so tense lately and I thought I was going crazy until I actually heard them fighting. It  _ sucks!” _

“Hey, couples fight all the time. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

“What, you know a lot about relationships or something?”

He shrugged, “Probably more than you.”

There was an awkward pause between both of you before Steve wrapped an arm around you.

“Hey, maybe they’re working on it,” he said, “And… and if you ever need to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I know you’ve got friends, but if you need anything-”

“It’s not a huge deal, really,” you replied and suddenly realized how close his face was to yours.

The only light was the moonlight that streamed in through a window. Still, you could see the light in Steve’s eyes and he was staring right back at you. You felt like your heart was about to beat right out of your chest. His hand cupped your cheek and you thought you were going to die right then.

His eyes briefly glanced at your lips, “You look gorgeous like this, you know?”

“What?”

He let out a slight laugh, “I  _ like _ you, Y/N.”

“Oh, why?”

“Well, you’re gorgeous and smart and pretty funny,” he said, looking at your lips again.

Not entirely sure what to do, you couldn’t help but stare at his lips too. Before you knew it, his lips were pressed against yours. He tasted like the alcohol you had both been sharing. You wanted to pull him closer but were unsure of what to do.

Steve pulled back just an inch, “Hey, we’re not gonna tell Tommy about this, right?”

“Oh, um, no,” you replied with an awkward laugh, “He’d flip out.”

He nodded, “Yeah, he’d flip.”

Then he pressed his lips against yours once more.

The rest of that trip was spent with the two of you going all around the town and onto the beach many times. Steve also had no qualms about sneaking into your room late at night just to kiss you. There was also a lot of talking. By the time you got back to Hawkins, it was the middle of August and you felt like you had known Steve your whole life.

Tommy was none the wiser. You knew that if he found out he would do something stupid to both you and Steve. It was easier to just not worry about it for as long as possible. If you were happy and he was happy as well, then what was there to worry about?

You would still go and hang out with Barb and Nancy, but you frequently found yourself making up excuses just to stay home and wait next to your phone. Steve called pretty often and he liked to meet up in different places.

Both of you talked about making it official to everyone when school started up. Though, you were a bit more excited to do that than he was. You had dealt with Tommy before. Steve hadn’t. Still, that never stopped Steve from spending time with you that summer.

One night you sat at your desk, writing in your diary when you heard a knocking on your window. You got up to see what was going on and you saw Steve just barely holding onto your second-floor window. Not his best idea, but you let him in regardless.

“Hey,” he said as he stumbled in.

You smiled a bit, “Hey, do you stumble in through windows a lot?”

“That was not a stumble, I was really quiet and stealthy. You know, like a ninja.”

That made you laugh and you moved to lock your door, “You’re such a dork, Steve.”

“See, you don’t say that when we’re making out,” he pointed out.

“Oh, shut up.”

He grinned and leaned down to kiss you so gently at first. Though, he was quick to lead you over to your bed and lay you against it. You couldn’t help but laugh as he kissed down your neck and he gave you a look.

You tried to hold back your laughter, “What? It tickles!”

“I’m trying to be sexy.”

“It still tickles, just putting it out there.”

Steve rolled his eyes before you started to kiss him this time. You moved to straddle him and you could hear Steve give a surprised noise.

“Hey, hey, what would your stuffed rabbit have to say about this?” he asked.

You gave Steve a look, “What the stuffed rabbit doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

“Are you sure about this?” he asked, a more serious look in his eyes.

You nodded and pulled off your shirt before pulling Steve close to yourself, “Yeah, I’ve never done this before, obviously, but yeah I’m sure.”

“Wow, o- okay,” he said before putting he started to kiss you again.

Steve passed out next to you that night, holding you close. You woke up well before him the next morning, seeing his figure just outlined by the light beginning to stream in through your window.

“Hey, Steve,” you whispered, shaking him a bit, “You should get home before your parents notice.”

Steve slowly opened his eyes and then jolted awake when he realized how bright it was, “Shit, yeah, I’ll just go and get out of here real quick.”

It didn’t take long for Steve to get dressed and he opened up your window, about to hop down to the ground.

“Um, Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Steve froze, only able to nod a little bit, “I- I’ll see you later, okay?” was the last thing he said before climbing out of your room.


	3. you knew you won so what's the point of keeping score

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once summer is over and Steve breaks things off with you, you have no choice but to get over it. Though, that becomes difficult when your closest friend disappears.

Like everything that happens in the summer, your relationship with Steve died in the fall. You were pretty sure it started to fall apart when you told Steve that you loved him. It was obvious things were never going to work out as soon as he said that he wanted to wait a bit longer.

Then, a few weeks later, he wanted to talk. Of course, you already knew what he wanted to talk about and a part of you just wanted to get it over with. You sat in his car in front of his house, wishing you could just get out because it was so stuffy.

Steve was the one to break the tense silence, “I think we should see other people.”

“Wait, so are you breaking up with me because you actually like someone else or because it would be a good look for you to go out with someone else? You know, someone who isn’t me?” you asked, looking at him.

He scoffed, “C’mon, Y/N, I just have feelings for someone else. This isn’t about you at all.”

“Yeah? It has nothing to do with literally every reason we kept this thing secret in the first place?”

“You agreed to that!”

“And  _ you _ agreed to go public when school started up. That hasn’t happened.”

He shook his head, “I never said that.”

“Oh, fuck off, you  _ did _ .”

“Look, I’m sorry, it’s just not working.”

You slowly nodded, “Okay, fine. It’s not like you ever loved me anyway.”

“Hey, seriously? We were together for maybe a month.”

“It was  _ two _ months, actually. Get it right, asshole,” you said as you moved to leave his car.

He sighed, “Just let me drive you home, it’s getting late.”

“No thanks.”

“It’ll be dark before you get to your house. Just let-”

“No. I can take care of myself.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “You’re being overdramatic, you know.”

“Oh, you want overdramatic?” you ask, “Okay, then I hope whoever this girl is, hurts you at least  _ half _ as bad as you hurt me this entire time.”

With that, you left his car and walked back to your house, tears in your eyes the whole way back. What Steve never told you was that the girl in question was Nancy Wheeler. Probably because he knew for a fact that you would freak out on him. So when you did find out that was who he was starting to see, you couldn’t help but feel betrayed.

Steve Harrington was dating one of your closest friends and you couldn’t do anything about it. You wanted to say something, but you didn’t want to make things worse. So instead of telling Nancy, you stayed home and listened to all the Fleetwood Mac records you owned.

It would have hurt a lot less if you could have talked to someone about it. Or maybe it would have been better if he went out with anyone other than someone you were friends with. Did he not think that part through?

Still, you kept acting as normal as possible. You went to school and kept hanging out with your friends. Homecoming and Halloween passed you by and you could hardly believe that it was already November, Christmas was going to sneak up on you and you almost couldn’t wait. It all felt like it was going by so fast. The morning of November seventh, you walked down the hall with Barb and Nancy as Barb talked about how cool Nancy would be if she went out with Steve.

You laughed a bit at the thought of Nancy becoming friends with Tommy and Carol. That was never going to happen. They practically hated her.

“Maybe that would get Tommy to stop ragging on Y/N all the time,” Barb said.

Nancy shook her head, “We only made out once- okay a  _ couple _ of times.”

Though, when Nancy opened up her locker and found a note from Steve, you knew it was going to be more than just a couple of times. Which was fine. Nancy seemed genuinely happy. Who were you to ruin that for her? Not to mention, Steve seemed happy as well. It wasn’t like you were paying a lot of attention. Except that you were paying attention. How couldn’t you? Even if he hurt you, you still cared about Steve and you wanted Nancy to be happy too.

So you kept your mouth shut as Nancy went off to the bathroom, leaving you with Barb. That was for the best, you would rather be around just Barb than have to be with everyone else. She was easier to talk to and wasn’t the object of Steve’s affections.

“Hey, Barb, we’re still on to study for that history test, right?” you asked.

“Yeah, my place tonight.”

Thankfully, despite Will Byers being declared missing, you were allowed to go over to Barb’s house. You didn’t want to be alone that night. Not when Nancy told you and Barb about her plan to sneak off and study with Steve. She sounded pretty convinced they were going to get some stuff done for her chemistry test, but you knew better than that.

It wasn’t that you were angry or jealous. You just didn’t know what to do with yourself. Well, you knew that you didn’t want to sit around alone in your room. Will Byers probably just got lost in the woods or something. That wasn’t the type of thing that happened when your best friend drove you to their house. Everything was safe, and you promised your mom you wouldn’t go anywhere you weren’t supposed to.

You were sprawled out on the floor of Barbra’s bedroom as you both went back and forth, asking each other questions about the founding fathers. Both of you knew the questions and answers by heart. Still, you didn’t want to go home just yet.

As you laid spaced out on the floor, Barb tossed a pillow at you, “Hey, is everything okay?”

You jolted up and held the pillow close to your chest, “Can you keep a secret?”

“What?”

“I- I need to tell you something, but you absolutely cannot under  _ any _ circumstances tell anyone what I’m about to tell you,” you said, sitting up.

Barb raised an eyebrow, “Should I be worried?

“It’s nothing bad. I just… I need to get this off my chest and I really trust you, but I need to know that it’ll stay between you and me.”

“Okay, what is it?” she asked, “You’re not, like, part of a gang or something, are you?”

You shook your head, “No, um… you remember when I went on vacation up in New York?”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“Well, Steve and I,” you took a deep breath, “We got kinda close, you know? And um, we kinda had a relationship or something going on for the rest of the summer and part of the school. We kept it quiet because of Tommy-”

“Wait, you dated Steve Harrington?!”

You nodded, “Yeah, I know it was stupid, but he’s actually really sweet and fun, and, well, things were pretty nice for a while.”

“What happened?”

“I- I don’t really know. We were gonna stop keeping it secret and then he backed out and dumped me. He said he liked someone else. A week later-”

“He started seeing Nancy,” Barb finished, “Y/N, she should know.”

“No, I don’t want it to look like I’m being dramatic or anything. I’m not hurt that Nancy’s with him or anything.”

“Yeah? That’s why you’ve been listening to Fleetwood Mac this whole time?”

“I- I, well okay. Maybe I’m a bit sad that Steve dumped me, but I don’t wanna make things hard on Nancy. I don’t wanna call any stupid rule that he was mine first or whatever. If he likes her and she likes him then that’s fine.”

“Then why tell me?”

“Because I can’t stand seeing them together and pretending like I’m okay. It just, it hurts okay? But I don’t wanna make a huge issue out of it or anything. I just want things to stay normal,” you replied.

Barb frowned, “It’s not fair to Nancy if she gets hurt by him.”

“It’s different. Everyone knows they’re together. No one knew about me. If something goes wrong and she gets dumped, it’ll just be normal or something.”

“If you say so.”

For some reason, Barb ended up keeping her promise and didn’t say anything to Nancy. Though, the next day Steve just had to ask Nancy to some stupid party. One that Tommy said you should go to so his dad wouldn’t think it was sketchy.

Parties had never been something you liked in the first place. At least, not the way most Hawkins parties went. It was even worse when the party in question was just going to be you and two couples. If you weren’t careful, you’d let yourself get shitfaced and it would all be over for both Steve and yourself.

Though, you told yourself over and over again that you weren’t doing this for Steve. You were doing this so Nancy could be happy and so you wouldn’t look like a jealous friend or a jealous ex either. Maybe that was a bit much to ask of yourself, but you knew it was right.

Yet when you were on a call with Nancy and Barb, you couldn’t help but think about how miserable you were going to be. Still, Nancy tried to rope Barb into going to that party. You quickly thought up an excuse.

“Hey, um, sorry but I’m not gonna be able to make it to the party,” you said, “I just threw up, like, all of my lunch and I feel like garbage.”

Whether or not it was a convincing excuse to Nancy, Barb made it sound good enough. Probably out of pity. Though, it also seemed to prompt Barb to want to go even more. Most likely because she didn’t want Nancy to make the same mistakes that you did.

You stayed home that night and pretended like you were sick the whole night. Not that it mattered much. Nancy and Steve were going to do whatever it is that they wanted to. That was okay as long as they were happy. At least you had Barb and could talk to her about everything now. That had to beat feeling as alone as you had upon first getting dumped.

However, when you got to school Barb wasn’t anywhere to be found. You thought that maybe she slept in or was sick or something, but you knew something was wrong when Nancy asked if you had seen her. 

That couldn’t have possibly been good. If Nancy hadn’t seen her then something was up and you had to hope things sorted themselves out. You didn’t know what or if it was even worth worrying about. Still, that didn’t stop you from demanding that Tommy tell you what happened that night.

He simply laughed in your face and said you should have gone if you were so worried. Maybe he was right. If you had gone and Barb was there, you could have just hung out with her. Except that the whole night would have been spent with Nancy and Steve off in the same house doing things you didn’t even want to think about at that moment.

You had no idea where to begin with all this or who to call. When you asked Nancy if she had seen anything, she just said that she called Mrs. Holland and that she hadn’t seen Barb either. Both of you knew that wasn’t right. Still, Nancy didn’t tell you her next move and just told you to go ahead and go home for that day.

The next day was when Nancy must have gotten the police involved somehow. You didn’t know that because Nancy told you. Instead, you found out because Steve found you at home working on what was left of your garden. With how late into fall it was getting, some of the plants were starting to go dormant. Nevertheless, you were hellbent on keeping what was left around until at least the first snow came around.

“Hey,” he said as you looked up from watering your yellow carnations, “I, uh, I need help with Nancy.”

You all but glared at him, “Give me one good reason why I should do that.”

“It’s about Barb.”

“What about her?” you asked, setting down the watering can, “Have you heard something, did Nancy say something about her?”

He shook his head, “No, but she’s getting the cops involved and she’s gonna tell them everything. You know, how we were drinking and all that shit probably.”

“I don’t see why that’s a problem.”

“You know how my dad is, Y/N, I just… if you could talk to her and convince her to not say anything about all the stuff that looks bad-”

“No,” you scoffed, “Do you really think I’m gonna help you when Barb went missing during  _ your _ stupid party? You’re the one who had a party when some kid went missing.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Oh, am I?”

“Yeah, you are. What we were doing at the party doesn’t even matter,” he said, “Come on, please?”

“Why do you think I’m gonna help you right now? Barb’s my friend and she’s missing and you don’t wanna do anything to help. You’re just being a dick right now.”

“Whoa, no I’m not. I’m just saying that Nancy’s being a bit over the top with all this.”

You crossed your arms, “Someone is  _ missing _ ! We don’t know where Barb even is. And you know what? I told her about us.”

“What? Y/N, we said we’d keep it secret.”

“And you started dating one of my friends. You can’t just expect me to never tell anyone.”

Steve shook his head, “You’re unbelievable sometimes. You know what? Maybe she left because she didn’t want to deal with you being a total drama queen.”

There was a long pause and you could feel the tears that welled up in your eyes. For a moment you couldn’t help but wonder. Was it your fault that Barb was missing? If you had been there, she probably never would have left. She would have been fine. But you couldn’t say that to Steve.

“You know what? For someone who’s so scared of ending up like his asshole dad, you’re being a really shitty person,” was all you could say before walking out of your greenhouse, “Wait a minute, I live here. You can get the hell out of here. I don’t wanna see you again.”

A pained expression went across Steve’s face. After everything, it was obvious you were hurt, but he never thought that you would just push him out. You didn’t have to say anything more. He simply turned around and walked out, shoulders slumped as he showed himself out. 

What Steve didn’t know was how much it hurt to say all of that to him. You never thought that you would actually have to confront him. Maybe you shouldn’t have talked about his dad. That was a bit low, but he was the one that tried to bring up Barb. Something which was far newer and far more concerning as well. Steve didn’t know what it was like to have your best friend around one day and then gone the next.

The police questioned you since the two of you were so close. Though, they got nothing of value from questioning you. How were you supposed to know where Barb ran off to? They were saying her car was found at a bus station. It didn’t add up. Wouldn’t she have said something or left a clue?

Either she had left clues and you were oblivious or she didn’t trust you with knowing what she had planned. It was either that or she was kidnapped or dead. You would have preferred she just hated you too much to say where she ran off to at this point. At least it would mean she was still out there somewhere. She had to be. This wasn’t like the Will Byers situation. It couldn’t be.

Out of all the people you knew, you thought for sure that Nancy would have been game for helping you. If nothing else, it would mean  _ something _ could be done about Barb. However, whenever you tried to call, no one picked up. She was either ignoring you or out doing something else entirely. Either was fine. Maybe Barb told her about everything with you and Steve. Except, Barb wasn’t the type to betray your trust like that.

You really wished things would go back to normal. At least when Nancy decided to hang out with Steve, Tommy, and Carol, you could get away with hanging out with Barb. That wasn’t as true anymore and you tried to sit on your own. However, there weren’t enough tables for everyone around, so you ended up being the odd one out of large groups. Somehow that was even worse. It was like they were rubbing in the fact that they had friends to talk to at lunch.

Eventually, you got your answer about what happened with Nancy. Granted, that answer was from Tommy, but it was something. Late one night as you were getting a glass of water from the kitchen, he walked up to you.

“Nancy’s been sleeping around with that freaky Byers kid,” Tommy said, “I know you haven’t been around her. Thought you should know where she’s been.”

You turned off the faucet, “Wait, what? I, um, I thought she was with Steve. Does he know? Did you tell him?”

“Oh, you really haven’t heard. Steve’s the one who saw the whole thing! He went up to go check on the princess after the funeral or whatever and he saw Byers all cozied up with her in bed,” Tommy explained.

“Wait, like, he saw them doing it?”

“No, they were sitting on the bed, but you can’t tell me you're that naive. I know you’re an innocent virgin or whatever, but you  _ gotta _ know what sitting on a bed like that means.”

You let it go and went back up to your room. There were so many things you wanted to do. Steve had to be hurting. It felt like the right thing to do to just call him. Not to try and get him back, but you knew that he had to have liked Nancy.

At one point that night, you dialed his number. The phone rang for a little bit before you heard the crack of someone picking up.

“Hello?”

It was Steve, you’d recognize that voice anywhere. Yet hearing his familiar voice made all the words you had to say die in your throat. You opened your mouth and nothing came out.

“Hey, is anyone there?”

Still, you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything. He was the one who pushed you away. Why in the world should you try to help him at this point? So instead of saying something as you had planned in the first place, you hung up the phone. It wasn’t like Steve would have any idea.

Something wasn’t right about all of this. There was no way that Nancy would just sleep with Jonathan Byers out of the blue. That was so unlike her. She barely even knew the guy. Not to mention the fact that Nancy liked Steve. Something didn’t add up and you wanted to figure it out for yourself.

Except, there was no reason to. All you could do was hope that someone would find Barb. That was the best chance you had at things going back to normal. As soon as she got back, you would apologize for ever telling her anything about you and Steve. All she had to do was come back. That couldn’t be too hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, I always appreciate feedback!


	4. chase two girls, lose the one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Steve gets into a fight with Jonathan Byers, you end up helping him in more ways than one. You end up reaching some kind of acceptance in the process.

Shopping could sometimes be a bit nerve-wracking when you had to go into Hawkins all on your own. Still, no one else wanted to go with you to get some soil and to go look at whatever clearanced-out plants in the gardening section of Melvald’s.

The really nice thing about Melvald’s was how helpful Joyce Byers could be. Tommy liked to make fun of her, but you thought she was really sweet. If nothing else, she always helped you find what you were looking for. You missed seeing her when you went through the store that November afternoon. Though, it wasn’t a total loss.

In the end, you walked out with the soil you needed for your potted plants and some yellow chrysanthemums. They were slightly wilted, but nothing a bit of water and attention wouldn’t fix.

As you walked to where you needed to get to next, you saw a tall ladder outside the movie theater. Curious, you walked up to the marquee and noticed the outline of some spray painted words you couldn’t quite make out and a beaten-up Steve Harrington cleaning it all up.

You stood next to the guy holding up the ladder, “Hey, you got something on your face. Like, all over your face.”

“Yeah, you don’t say,” he grumbled, barely looking down at you.

You motioned for the guy holding the ladder to move and let you hold it, “Well, what happened?”

“You really wanna know?”

“Uh, yeah. How’s the other guy look?” 

Steve let out a bitter laugh, “I got the worst of it. Byers really kicked my ass.”

“Woah, you fought Jonathan?” you asked, “Was it because of Nancy? Sorry, Tommy mentioned it to me last night. Where is he anyway?”

He shrugged, “Hell if I know. I almost got into it with him and then I drove off. Couldn’t risk this pretty face even more, you know?”

“So… are you guys still friends?”

“Doubt it. I told Carol to shut the hell up when she was talking about Nancy and things went from there.”

You nodded slowly. The thought of him even trying to stand up to Tommy felt impossible, but these were weird times. If he didn’t have Tommy and Carol  _ and _ Nancy ditched him for Jonathan, then that left him all by himself. You knew what that was like, and even though you still couldn’t get what he said about Barb out of your head, he didn’t deserve to be alone.

“Um, do you need someone to help patch you up?”

That was how you ended up in Steve’s bathroom, looking through the cabinets for peroxide and dabbing at his face with a soapy washcloth. A part of you wished you could have been there to see it. If nothing else because Steve had just been such a jerk lately and watching him get roughed up a bit would have been funny. Maybe cathartic would have been a better word, even if you wouldn’t have been the one throwing punches.

There was an awkward silence with both of you being well aware of the things you said. Still, you focused on cleaning him up. You weren’t going to be the one to say anything first. Not yet.

He broke the silence with a sigh, “Y/N, you know I didn’t mean what I said about Barb running away, right?”

“It sounded like you meant it,” you said, dabbing at a cut as he hissed a bit.

Steve couldn’t meet your gaze, “I know I was being a dick. Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t think Barb was really gone or anything, I thought it was just some big misunderstanding.”

“It took you this long to realize she was gone?”

“You know what I mean. I didn’t want to believe it, and I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t think it’s your fault, but for what it’s worth, I’m sure she’s fine.”

You nodded slowly, “I- I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have brought your dad into it. That was stupid. And if it means anything, I don’t actually think you’re like him… I don’t think he would’ve apologized or stood up to Tommy.”

“Thanks,” he said, wincing as you started to put some peroxide on him, “I just really screwed it up with Nancy. I let Tommy spray paint that she was a slut because I saw her sitting on a bed with Jonathan. I didn’t even see anything. I- I should’ve asked her about it or told anyone but Tommy.”

You were quiet for a moment, unsure of how to respond. If there was a time to get Steve back, this was it, wasn’t it? Except, it wouldn’t have been right. Not when he so obviously liked Nancy and wanted to be with her. It wasn’t his fault that you were still hung up over everything.

Even then, you weren’t sure that you wanted to be with him again anyway. Not when you knew you weren’t his first choice.

“Um, I haven’t really talked to Nancy in a while, but she’s never mentioned anything about Jonathan in her life. If you think it’s possible to fix things, you should ask her about it,” you said, putting away the first-aid kit.

Steve shook his head, “I helped Tommy spray paint that she was a slut on the theater so everyone could see. She’s not getting back with me.”

“Steve, she really liked you. It would be worth giving it a try or something like that,” you said, “I mean, you like her, don’t you?”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m not trying to get her back. She deserves something better than me.”

A part of you wanted to point out what a great guy Steve was, but you couldn’t help but remember all the things he said before. He wasn’t a  _ bad _ person, but he wasn’t exactly a good one either. Still, there was time for him to become good. It wasn’t like he was dead.

You couldn’t help but remember the  _ good _ times you had. When he would spin you around on the streets of Montauk with only streetlights and the moon to light up everything. And all the times when you would just be around each other on weekends.

There was another silence, and you were almost positive that Steve was going to ask you to leave and you wouldn’t have blamed him. Even if you both apologized, that didn’t mean that everything could be forgotten. He was still your ex and he was still a bit of a jerk about the whole thing. More than that, though, the wound felt as new and deep as ever while speaking to him again.

“Why’re you helping me?” he asked, “I didn’t even think you were gonna talk to me again.”

You sighed, “I wasn’t going to, but then I was curious. And when you mentioned  _ finally _ standing up to Tommy, I guess I just figured you guys weren’t really gonna be friends anymore. Which probably means you’re gonna be less of a dick.”

“I don’t know, I’m not  _ that  _ different with Tommy-”

“Steve! I’ve been around you with him and without him around, trust me on that one. What did you guys fight about anyway?”

He shook his head, “It was stupid.”

“No, not if it made you stand up to him.”

Steve let out a sigh, “Carol was talking about Nancy and Jonathan sleeping together and I kinda lost it on her. Nothing crazy, I just yelled a bit. We got in each other’s faces and I left. Not much else to it. They probably have to walk home, though.”

The fact that Nancy was enough to make him stand up to Tommy said a lot. He never did that for you. Maybe he really did like her more this whole time and you were just too blind to notice. Or you didn’t want to notice. But what if he had been able to stand up to Tommy for your sake?

You noticed the awkward silence and quickly faked a cough, “Um, well, there’s your answer. It’s not stupid and you clearly like her. You should at least apologize.”

“I  _ need _ to apologize to Jonathan,” Steve muttered, “His brother’s dead and I said some really shitty things to him.”

“You’ve got a real tendency to do that, you know.”

“Yeah, I know… I just- I don’t know how to even begin to make up for all of it.”

You thought for a moment, “You totally destroyed his camera. He’d never be able to get enough money to replace it.”

“You’re right! That’s brilliant, Y/N,” he said and immediately went to hug you, “Wait, why’re you helping me?”

Why  _ were  _ you helping Steve? After everything he did, you should have just gone home and gone right back to taking care of your garden. He had been a jerk, and he was the one who left you. Besides, who was to say he hadn’t just gotten caught and was forced to clean the theater?

A part of you knew what he was like, though. That he was really sweet. When Nancy said that to you and Barb, Barb didn’t believe it, but you knew she was right. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be with you guys. It wasn’t even a maybe at this point. There was no way that it would have worked out and you knew that deep down. Steve didn’t care about you enough to stand up to Tommy. You just weren’t as important.

The sudden realization felt like someone punched your gut. You wanted him to care for you that way. Odds were that you were always going to want him to care for you like that. At least for  _ someone  _ to care. That wasn’t a crime, it just meant no one really cared for you right then.

You shrugged, “You’re not mine, and… and while that still hurts, I’m not gonna get anywhere with trying to make your life hell. It wouldn’t make me happy anyway.”

“That’s it? You’re not trying to get back with me or anything?”

“Steve… I- I don’t think you were ever really mine. We were both just lonely at the same time. You could’ve gone to Montauk with any girl around and it would’ve been the same. I just got lucky.”

“Hey, that- that’s not true. I  _ liked  _ you-”

“You just didn’t like me enough,” you cut off, “It’s okay, Steve, you should go to her.”

There was a lump in your throat and you hoped that you could either make it go away or get out of his house fast enough for him to not have any idea just how badly you wanted to cry. If he knew, he would try to make you feel better and you didn’t want that.

The thought of him hugging you and telling you that he cared just didn’t sit right. He was probably just saying he liked you to keep you from breaking down in the middle of his bathroom like an idiot. Or maybe he was just delusional about the whole thing. It could have been both for all you knew.

Steve sighed, “Are you sure?”

“Steve, you  _ don’t _ like me like that right now. I’d just be making you miserable if I tried to keep you around, and it would make me miserable too because I know I can’t replace Nancy.”

“I’m not gonna be getting back with Nancy, you know. Maybe we could make it work-”

“ _ Steve _ , it’s not gonna work and I think you already know that.”

Maybe it was because of the look in your eyes or the fact that Barb was probably not coming back, but he didn’t want you to end up alone. If he stayed with Nancy, that was a big if, he wouldn’t expect you to sit with them. That would be too much to ask and he knew that. 

If Barb didn’t come back, you wouldn’t have anyone to talk to and he didn’t like the thought of you being off on your own like that. But he couldn’t think of anything to say that could ever get you to stay. Why would you? He knew what he had said and he knew what he had done.

“I’m not mad you told Barb.”

“You’re not?”

“No, she- I shouldn’t have gotten mad about that. She wouldn’t have told anyone. A- and even if she had, I guess it’s not really a huge deal when you look at everything else going on.”

You stared down at the floor, “If it had been me instead of Barb, would you have tried harder to find me?”

“Of course. I would’ve looked everywhere. Why? Are you thinking of running away too?”

“Not a bad idea, but no. I’m staying here for better or worse. I don’t think there’s anywhere I could go to at this point. I was just wondering, that’s all,” you said.

Now was probably a good time to get out of Steve’s hair, but it was the longest that you had talked to anyone in days. Except, there was nowhere for it to go from there.

“I’m gonna head home. You should go check on Nancy,” you said before leaving.

Steve didn’t do anything to stop you and a part of you was relieved for that. Another part of you wished he would have stopped you and insisted that he wanted to be with you. That was just some wishful thinking, though. There was no way that you were going to be able to make Steve stand up to Tommy more than he already had. If he were with you again, he would have to stand up to him every day. That was far too much to ask from him.

You continued on your walk back home. The cobblestone sidewalk was something you could feel through your shoes the whole way back. He really did try to make things work between the both of you again. Well, he considered it at least. That wasn’t something you thought would ever happen. 

Still, he seemed to forget that you didn’t just know him. You knew Nancy and you knew she would probably end up taking him back. She really liked him and even if all those awful things happened, you knew that it would all work out. Maybe they were meant to be. Sometimes things just worked out that way. You weren’t entirely sure why.

A part of you wished that you could tell Barb about what happened, but you couldn’t. Hell, you didn’t even want to admit how close you were to telling Steve yes, that you wanted to try things again.

You didn’t even bother to think about who you would be sitting with at lunch when school started again at the end of the weekend. Maybe someone from one of your classes. You weren’t totally sure.

There was still the nagging thought that Steve was right and it was your fault that Barb had left. If you had gone to his party, you could have just stuck around Barb the whole night. Had you needed to cry, you guys could have done that in one of the guest rooms and it would have been fine. But instead, you just had to say you were sick that night when you weren’t.

Maybe Barb didn’t want to have to deal with being between two of her closest friends and that was why she just up and left. Wherever she went off to, you hoped that she would come back. That was all you wanted and you would never tell her anything that could make her leave like that again if that was what needed to happen.

You just wished you had known what you did that was so wrong in the first place. What was so wrong that Steve ended things and Barb ran away to somewhere that no one could figure out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed this chapter, I would love to hear from you!


	5. you didn't even see the signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> News of Will Byers being alive after all circulates through Hawkins and there is an obvious shift within everyone. You find yourself befriending Steve once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the angst <3

A part of you hoped that Steve would show up at your window that night. Either to thank you and say you were right or to find comfort around you again. Neither of those things happened. Which, deep down, you knew would be the case. That didn’t mean it didn’t leave a sort of odd feeling in your chest. You wanted him to go, though, didn’t you?

What was even worse was that you knew you didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. You couldn’t call Barb, and telling Nancy would open up a can of worms you weren’t sure you wanted to step anywhere near.

You had no idea what happened that night. No one called or said anything. Naturally, you assumed that just meant nothing of note happened. That felt like a fair assumption in your opinion. Especially since so much had been going on in the town. A part of you expected to hear that someone else went missing out of nowhere.

Instead of that, you learned that Will Byers had never been dead after all. It was all over the local news that he was actually fine. Whoever found the body botched the job and some other poor kid fell in the quarry.

The body must have been too different from Barb’s to be hers. That was assuring. It had to mean she was out there somewhere. You hoped and prayed to any sort of higher being you could think of that she was okay and that she would come back.

When you went back to school, it seemed like you had been wrong about Nancy. For a moment, you thought that her not being around Steve meant she would sit with you at lunch. Instead, it meant she went to go sit with Jonathan Byers. You went ahead and sat with them, and they didn’t stop you.

However, none of that meant it felt normal. It seemed like they were almost speaking in a code of sort. They knew something that you didn’t. There was no hunch to have about it. The way they looked at each other and almost seemed to mouth things to each other, they were on a completely different wavelength.

You didn’t sit with Nancy and Jonathan after that. A part of you was pretty sure you wouldn’t get a chance to talk to Nancy again for a long time. Neither of you even had a real conversation about Barb. Nancy never even asked if you were okay. You wanted to ask her but worried that she wouldn’t want to tell you much.

The next day, and for a while after that, you started to eat right outside of the school. It was fine at first. Hawkins was having an unusually warm November and you could afford to stay outside. Though the cold was inevitable, you were too stubborn to go inside and try to fit in with a table of other people.

It was beginning to snow, but you just sat against the brick wall of Hawkins High. You tried to focus on eating your food so you could hide in the library for the rest of the lunch hour.

“Hey, do you need somewhere to sit?” Steve asked, walking up to you.

You swallowed and shook your head, “Nope, I um, I was just waiting for um… I was waiting for- I was-”

“You’re gonna freeze out here, Y/N, come on we can just sit in my car for a bit,” he said.

Unable to think of a good reason to not go, you nodded and got up with your things. You followed Steve into his car and you both started eating in there. He turned on his car so the heater could run and some songs were playing on the radio. Other than that, it was quiet between both of you. If it weren’t for the music, the silence likely would have been painful.

Eventually, you finished eating and felt like you couldn’t just leave him in the car all alone. You were both so clearly alone. It seemed he and Tommy were serious about not being friends anymore. You only saw him in the hallway and in the back of your homeroom class.

You cleared your throat, “So… I’m guessing that I was wrong?”

“About what? Oh, about Nancy? Yeah, I um, I guess you were.”

“Sorry, I thought she would um, I thought you could fix things… not that it was your fault, or maybe it was I don’t know,” you said as your voice sped up and got quieter all at once.

Steve shrugged, “It is what it is. I treated her like shit. I was nothing but an asshole to her the whole time. Especially with Barb, and I- I still can’t believe all the shit I said.”

“It’s… I guess I can’t say it’s really  _ okay _ , but maybe things will get better in time. Maybe not with you and Nancy, but just for you in general.”

“Thanks, I really didn’t expect to lose all my friends in one fell swoop,” he admitted, “I thought I was supposed to be popular, but it doesn’t feel like it.”

You nodded, “I get the losing your friends thing. It’s like I somehow screwed up things with Nancy and I don’t even know what I did wrong. I don’t even know what I did wrong with Barb.”

“You didn’t do  _ anything _ wrong, okay? Everything with Barb, that’s  _ not _ your fault, trust me. And nothing with Nancy is your fault either. None of it is. I swear,” he said almost too quickly.

You raised an eyebrow, “How can you be so sure? We don’t know what happened to Barb and, well, I could’ve screwed up with Nancy in a way I don’t even know.”

There was a long pause on Steve’s part. It felt like he wanted to say something more. Because there was so much he wanted to tell you. He wanted nothing more than to tell you everything about that night after you left. Except, it was way too risky to tell you any of it. As badly as he wanted to tell you right then in his car, he didn’t want to take any chances.

“I- well, I just… I don’t think it’s your fault,” Steve replied before he looked at the clock, “Oh, would you look at that, we should probably get to class!”

It was odd timing, but Steve was right, so you got out of the car and went right back to school. Classes were easy enough to throw yourself right into for the day. As long as no one made you talk about what was going on, it was fine. At the moment, a lot of people tried to not say too much to you. Even teachers gave you a bit of a break. Barb’s disappearance made it so people had some kind of pity towards you.

That was all fine and good, but pity wasn’t what you wanted, you wanted answers. Someone knew something you didn’t. Nancy and Jonathan were acting weird, but you had no way to prove that it was Barb. It could have been Will. Maybe Nancy was around when someone found out Will was alive. That would make sense as to why they got so close out of nowhere. 

The next few days were easier since you just sat with Steve at lunch. It finally felt like you were both able to talk to each other again. You would talk about Tommy and homework and just about anything else.

As much as you tried to stop yourself, you couldn’t help but feel special that he was talking to you. He wanted to spend time around you. Didn’t that mean something? You were both alone, but you could be alone together. That would be rather nice in your mind.

A couple of weeks passed and suddenly it was a couple of weeks before Christmas break. It started innocently enough, both of you talking about how much of a pain finals week would be. Then it got into Christmas.

“I think it’s just gonna be the four of us this year. Which is great until all the tension with my mom and step-dad blows up. I just hope it’s better than Thanksgiving,” you said, staring at your lap.

Steve nodded, “I know what you mean. We always have family over and then the minute the last guest leaves, my parents let loose on each other.”

“Well, what if, when the night was over you brought your car and I brought a bottle of peppermint schnapps and we actually have a good Christmas?” you suggested, reaching over to hold his hand.

Steve tensed up and pulled back a bit, “Um, I think I’m good.”

“Oh, okay, yeah. Sorry, that was a stupid idea. That was- forget I said anything.”

“Um, yeah” Steve seemed so unsure of his words, “It was a stupid idea.”

You looked up at him, “Jeez, okay, you didn’t have to point it out.

“Look, I can’t replace Barb and Nancy and we can’t get back together. Things aren’t gonna go back to normal, so can you just stop acting like they will?” he replied, unable to meet your gaze.

“What?! I- I wasn’t, I didn’t mean… I just thought-”

“You thought wrong.”

“Oh, okay,” your voice cracked, “I- I gotta go, I just remembered I- I gotta go.”

You opened the door and got out of the car, shutting it without listening for Steve. Even if he did try to say something, you weren’t sure you would have wanted to hear it. Something had to have changed, within the last few days but you didn’t know what.

Maybe you shouldn’t have suggested something that sounded so personal and like it was a date, but he shouldn’t have been so quick to say the things he had. You really believed that, if nothing else, you fixed your friendship with Steve. You wanted to have a friend to talk to on Christmas. Apparently, Steve didn’t need that.

It wasn’t like it was the first time he did that. You had been through this before. Maybe this was just the stupid way Steve worked.

A part of you did wonder why he was so quick to toss you to the side. You got an answer a few days later when Steve and Nancy walked down the hallway holding hands. It was all you could do to not go to the bathroom and cry.

Steve was right. Things were never going to go back to normal and you were trying to get that back. Except, he didn’t have to hurt you so deeply in the process of proving that point. At least, you didn’t think he needed to.

You didn’t try to talk to Steve again after that. Instead, you opted to sneak some snacks into the library for your lunch and hide out there. It was the one place that didn’t feel overcrowded. No one asked you why you sat by yourself, so you simply assumed that no one cared about the reason.

Occasionally, Jonathan would try and talk to you, but it never went anywhere. Neither of you wanted to force some kind of friendship. Especially when you knew that it was only because he didn’t end up with Nancy and was on his own. You were tired of people going to you after Nancy rejected them. Weren’t you worth more than that?

Winter showed up in Hawkins, further solidifying the Christmas season. Normally, you would notice the way snow would glimmer under the moon and streetlights. This year, you only noticed how brown and muddy it would get. The sky was always so gloomy and the days were shorter and shorter.

The only thing you had to take care of was your garden. Some of the plants just didn’t make it. Partially because of how the cold seeped in and also because you forgot to water more and more often. Your rosemary stayed alive, though, and you didn’t want to screw that up. It was the same story for your lavender.

A knock on the door caught you off-guard, “Come in.”

You thought it was just your mom telling you dinner was ready or something. Instead, you saw Steve enter with a small, wrapped box. He kicked the snow off of his shoes before stepping in.

Before you could say anything he stopped you, “Hey, I- I messed up. I  _ know _ I messed up. I’m sorry I said all those things about Nancy and Barb and me. It was awful and I shouldn’t have said those things.”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have said those things,” you said, your gaze focused on the rosemary and what was left of the lavender.

He swallowed, “I- I’m sorry, okay? I don’t wanna lose you as a friend, and I thought you’d want someone around.”

“Then you thought wrong,” you said softly.

Steve looked at the box and back to you, “I got you something, um, I think you’d want to see it.”

“I don’t.”

“Can’t you tell me why?”

You let out a sigh, “You keep pushing me away whenever I actually need you around and then you come right back trying to make up for it, but it’s  _ not _ enough. How many times are you gonna keep apologizing because you can’t stop being an asshole? And how many times are you gonna push me to the side just so you can be with Nancy?”

“You’re not jealous of her, are you?”

“That’s what you’re worried about?! No, I- I’m not jealous. I’m sick of not being the first option. As soon as she’s free, you drop me and go right to her. A- and that’s fine, but you can’t expect me to be here for you every single time. I can’t do that.”

He looked at you, “What’re you saying?”

“I don’t want to see you anymore. I want you to go away, and I don’t mean like last time when it was just a few days. I don’t want anything to do with you at all.”

“You don’t want the present?”

You scoffed, “I don’t need your stupid present, all I want is for you to leave me alone.”

When it was obvious you meant your words, Steve turned around and left the greenhouse. You could only keep yourself together a few moments more before tears flooded your eyes.

Steve left your backyard in disbelief. After having seen how lonely you were, he really thought you needed someone around. For a moment, he almost turned around so he could explain everything and give a proper apology instead of just dancing around everything that really went through his head. 

Instead, he walked back to his car and drove off.


	6. you showed me colors you know i can't see with anyone else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After cutting out Steve, you are left without any close friends and Barb’s disappearance hurts you more than ever. Meanwhile, Steve wishes to tell you about what really happened, but finds himself unable to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy this one, I definitely did a lot of projecting in these next couple chapters!

Winter break made it easy to forget that you didn’t have anyone to talk to. You could stay home and watch whatever was on television. You could bake or garden or read or anything to keep yourself occupied. That wasn’t something you got to do at school.

Funnily enough, it was also easier to avoid Tommy while at home. He was always running around with Carol. After all this time, he still hadn’t said anything to Steve that you knew of. Not that you cared. You cut him out of your life. If you hadn’t, he would have just continued to pull the same thing over and over again.

Maybe it was shooting yourself in the foot, but you couldn’t imagine forcing yourself to have one flaky friend just because you didn’t have anyone else. Besides, being alone wasn’t too bad anyway. It wasn’t bad at all unless you thought about Barb or Nancy or how Nancy and Jonathan knew something that you didn’t. If you just didn’t think about it, then it was fine. Except, deep down, you knew it wasn’t fine.

There was always a gnawing pit of doom that stayed inside of you ever since you learned that Barb was gone. It got worse when you were at school. You thought that a break would make it better, but it only got worse in time.

The first day back after the new year, you almost didn’t bother to get up. What was the point? You had to go to school, go to your classes, and try to not stick out too much. Hopefully, Tommy would just lay off. He could find some stupid freshman to pick on if he really needed entertainment that badly.

Apparently, that was too much to ask out of Tommy. Especially since he failed math last semester and you were stuck in his class. He made a point to trip you if you had to go up to the chalkboard. There were some laughs and you didn’t notice anyone who tried to ask if you were alright. All you could hear was that people laughed.

You made it through the day, though. As soon as the bell rang, you went right back home as quickly as you could on your bike. The only person home was your mom, and you hoped she was just busy doing something else so you could go right to your room.

There was no such luck since your mom just finished up vacuuming the living room as you walked in the door. A part of you wanted to just pretend like you didn’t see. One day into the spring semester and you wanted it to be spring break already.

“Y/N, how was school?” she asked.

You opened your mouth to say it was fine, but all that came out was a sob and you shook your head. Quickly, your mom went to you and held you tightly and close.

“What happened?” she asked, “Is Tommy giving you a hard time? I can talk to his dad again about it.”

You needed a moment to stop crying so much, “I- I don’t have any friends.”

“Oh, you do, a lot just happened and you’re not seeing them right now. They’ll come around.”

“Barb’s been missing for almost two months and there’s no trace of her anywhere! And Nancy won’t talk to me. No one will,” you said and your mom held you closer.

She let out a small sigh, “You know, when I first got with your step-dad, no one else wanted to talk to me or anything to do with me.”

“Well, yeah, you guys had an affair and you didn’t even explain all that to me.”

She nodded, “I know, and I should’ve told you. It’s just… it’s complicated in those situations. Everyone thought I was just the town skank, but it was more than that.”

“I’m sorry, but how is it different?”

“You really think that there’s something between the both of you. And it’s kind of fun at first. He points out how awful his wife is and how great he thinks you are. And you’re both learning so much about each other and you can’t see yourself being with anyone else,” your mom shrugged, “And either it ends or you end up married.

You nodded slowly, “But you guys fight all the time.”

“We don’t fight all the time. Things are just a bit strained at the moment. They’ll get better.”

“What if they don’t?”

“Then… well, then we’ll just figure out something else, okay?”

Maybe that was what you needed to do. You needed to find something else to do. Except, that was hard when all that was going now was the remnants of a rosemary plant that was pretty much on death’s door. It wasn’t going to make it into spring, but you had to try. That was the last plant you had left.

You went back to school and tried to act like there was no issue. People would come to you eventually, right? Except, you got to lunch and there still wasn’t anyone who wanted to talk to you.

It was too cold and snowy out to eat outside. Besides, you didn’t need anyone’s pity. If someone could just talk to you during lunch, that would be enough. Not that you were so sure it would be, but it was bound to be better than the nothing you were getting. It had to be better than the pure and utter loneliness in your heart.

A few days into trying to make some sort of effort and there was nothing. If anything, Tommy was making more of a point to try to humiliate you. Whether it was by making comments on how you looked or tripping you over and over, he went for it.

Eventually, you just gave up on that and went back to sneaking snacks in the library. You thought you could avoid everyone. It turned out you were wrong since Steve had to use his lunch hour to figure out part of an assignment he left to the last possible minute. He saw you and despite everything you said, went up to you.

“Hey, um… are you alright?” he asked.

You gave a nod, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You can tell me, you know. If something’s wrong, I want you to tell me. I know you don’t want to, but you can trust me with that stuff.”

You didn’t say anything at first. Instead, you just shook your head. How did he not realize why you didn’t want to talk to him? Did he forget all the things that he said to you? Steve was a lot of things, but you knew he wasn’t stupid, no matter what he had other people thinking.

“Hey, seriously, I think you need to talk to someone,” he said, reaching out to put a hand on your shoulder.

You were quick to pull back, “And maybe I will, but when I do it’s not gonna be to you.”

“Yeah? Then who?”

“I- I don’t know, but I can’t talk to you about everything again. You’ll just use it all against me when you get sick of me. That’s what you always do and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. What the hell did I do that was so  _ wrong _ ?” you stared down at your shoes.

Steve frowned, “You didn’t do anything I just… I-”

“You what? What happened?”

Steve wanted to reach out. He thought that it would have worked. It was impossible to not see that you were alone. Sure, you told him to go away, but you had said that before. Both times he knew he messed up.

The one thing that always stopped him was that night. Everything right after you helped him clean up, he couldn’t ignore it. Except, he couldn’t tell you about anything that happened after that. As hard as it was to talk to you from that alone, he knew that he had to. No one else was about to. He wished he could tell you about Barb or give you some kind of hint, but he read the papers he had been forced to sign. There was nothing he could do.

“I’m an asshole.”

“And I deserve better.”

Steve nodded, “You do, but it doesn’t look like you’ve got many friends… no offense.”

“That’s not my fault! I had two great friends and one of them is off in who-knows-where doing who-knows-what and the other one is dating you again. It’s not my fault that all my friends left and you know it.”

“I’m not saying you’re wrong. You’re right, but you can’t just go on like this for forever.”

“What do you care? Things were never gonna go back to normal anyway.”

“I never should’ve said that, I’m  _ sorry _ .”

You shrugged, “Yeah, that’s all? That’s the only thing you’re sorry for?”

“No, there’s so much-”

“I can’t tell  _ anyone _ about what was between us. We had something and I never got a chance to get over it because you went for one of my best friends and you treat her better than you ever treated me. And I know if I tried to let you back in I wouldn’t be able to kick you out when you start acting like an ass again.”

Steve frowned, “I won’t do that again. A- and you can tell whoever you want, that doesn’t matter. If it’ll help you, go for it. You could tell Nancy and that’d be fine.”

“Really?” you shook your head, “It doesn’t matter, I’d just be your third wheel anyway. Just go take your bullshit hero complex somewhere else.”

“I’ll leave if you can tell me you’re okay.”

“What?”

“Are you okay? It’s a simple question and I’ll go if you say that you are.”

You shrugged, “I’m fine. You can go now.”

Steve turned and walked away despite not believing you. There was no way you were okay. And after everything with Barb you just thought that she was off somewhere else. The way you said it made you sound like you thought she was on vacation and would come back any day now.

Maybe you really did believe that, Steve wasn’t sure. It was hard to tell and he couldn’t blame you for thinking it. Why no one just said that Barb was dead was beyond him. He almost told you everything. There was no way you would believe him anyhow. That was fine, he knew he screwed that up. 

All he could do was hope that things got better for you and that Nancy would stay happy with him. Things just didn’t feel right no matter how often she insisted she was okay. It sounded almost exactly like how you did when you said you were okay.

You didn’t care if Steve believed you or not. If he really cared, he never would have tried to push you away. He never would have dumped you just because he was scared of what Tommy would think about it. You dealt with what Tommy thought of you every single day and you were somehow still around. Though, it was hard to figure out why you even bothered.

Steve was the first person to try to talk to you at school. That was what made it all the more frustrating. But you knew that you couldn’t have him around when you knew you deserved to have someone around who wouldn’t push you away. If he tried hard enough, you would probably still do anything for him.

It was like he didn’t realize that you were so miserable because of everything he had done. And maybe it wasn’t all his fault, but he never helped. He was always the one to say something that hurt far too much. Maybe if you just hung in there a little longer, someone else would come around.

Hell, maybe Barb really would come back and you could have someone to talk to again. Things really would go back to normal at that point no matter what. Though, the more days that went by, the less you thought she was coming back. Whether it was because she died or because she was off somewhere better was beyond you.

However, the only thing to remain normal was Tommy’s non-stop teasing that got more and more aggressive at school. It only calmed down at home if your mom was around because there was no way she was going to let Tommy say anything cruel to you. Though, you never told her about the things he would say at school. If only because the last time your mom tried talking about it to his dad, he wasn’t all that sympathetic.

If your keeping quiet kept their marriage intact, then you never wanted to say anything again. So you didn’t even though you wished someone would do something. You wished for a lot of things if you were being honest with yourself.

You wished that you still weren’t so alone and you wished that you could talk to someone while eating dinner or lunch or  _ something _ . It was something so small and silly, but you hated how alone you were.

At that moment, you knew you had to find Barb on your own. No one else was going to do anything, so why not you?


	7. they say 'move on' but you know i won't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Convinced there is nothing left for you to do, you spend the bulk of your time searching for Barbara Holland. A search that leaves you with nothing.

By the time March came around, you rarely got a few hours of sleep a night. You were trying to look for any sort of clues Barb may have left behind to be found. There had to be  _ something _ . It was a long while ago since she left, but you didn’t have anything else to do in your free time. The last of your greenhouse ended up dying off and the winter was still going on at the beginning of the month. You would have to wait for weeks to try planting anything again.

You thought of every possible route at the bus station in the city, tracing lines all over a cheap map you bought at a gas station. It wasn’t that you thought it would be easy to do this, but you thought you would have had some type of lead by this point. As it turned out, you were by no means a great detective. 

Still, you had a couple of ideas, and you worked on that map all hours of the day and in any free moment you got. That meant some people saw you tracing a map of the country, but no one ever asked what it was for. Either because they thought you were crazy already or they truly couldn’t care less about what you were doing at this point.

If you had anyone to stop you, they probably would have by now. The one perk of not having any friends was that you could focus on anything else that you wanted to.

That was until Tommy and Carol caught onto what you were doing. They came up to you while you were in the library one day. You were starting to get a good feeling that Barb ran off to Chicago. That just sounded right.

“What’ve you got there?” Tommy asked.

You were quick to try and fold the map shut, but Carol snatched it up, “She’s probably planning to run away.”

“I’d give you the money to get the hell out of here,” Tommy said with a laugh.

You shook your head, “I’m not running away.”

“Then what’re you doing?” Carol asked.

Tommy was quick to put everything together, “She’s looking for Barb! Hawkins Police couldn’t do it so she thinks she can!”

“Oh, sweetie, maybe we should take care of this for you. You’re never gonna find her and I think we all knew that,” Carol said, starting to rip the map.

You leapt up to get it out of her hands, “No, stop! You can’t do that!”  
“You’re gonna drive yourself crazy looking at this all day. I’m doing you a favor, Y/N,” Carol said, tugging it back.

You tried to pull it back, putting a massive rip in the paper, “What did you just do?!”

“We did you a favor. Come on, you didn’t think she was actually going to come back, did you? She left and she doesn’t wanna be found. Deal with it,” Tommy said with a shrug.

Carol looked over the half of the map she took, “I think I’m gonna use this to start a fire when I get home. Thanks for the kindling, I might use all the dried up shit in your garden next.”

You couldn’t stop yourself from crying when they walked off with the other half of the map. They weren’t wrong, that was the worst part. You knew that there was no way you could find her on your own, but you had to try. Didn’t you?

A part of you wished that Barb had said something about running away before. Except, she never even talked about getting out of Hawkins any time soon. There were a few places she wanted to go to college after graduation, but she didn’t have her heart set on anything. You wished that she had a place she obviously loved to go to.

You hoped that she figured out that place and that wherever she was that she was happy. That was all you could do. Unless you went all the way to that bus station yourself and asked anyone who was there if they had seen Barb. The police may have done that, but they didn’t know Barb as you did. Maybe what led nowhere to them would give you something to grasp at. 

While you didn’t have a car, you did have a bike. That would just have to do. The city was a long while away, but no one would really notice if you were gone for that long. At least, you would be able to buy yourself enough time to get to the station and ask some people what they had seen all those months ago. You could only hope that someone remembered her.

It was simple enough to leave the school. No one batted an eye as you went through the front doors and got on your bike. After that, you were off. In a way, it was the closest thing to feeling okay that you had felt in a long time. There was just something about the cool air hitting your face as you pedaled.

Although, that feeling of slight elation only lasted so long. Your legs started to burn while you were somewhere on the side of the highway. A part of you wanted to stop and hitchhike, but that felt too risky. It was either turn around or keep going. You had to keep going. No one else was looking for Barb so it had to be on you. 

That thought was enough to keep you pedaling as hard as you ever had before. At least, until you felt a pedal go out from under one of your feet and heard it clatter on the road.

You skidded to a stop as you clutched your brakes. A swear left your mouth as you tried to twist it back onto your bike. All you had on you was your backpack. It didn’t have anything that would help, so you used your hands to screw it back on and went on your way again.

How long you were off for was beyond you. It never occurred to you that your bike wasn’t meant to go quite so far like this. Though, that realization hit you like a bus when you heard an odd noise and one of your bike tires flattened.

“You’ve gotta be joking,” you muttered and looked over your bike.

This, without a shadow of a doubt, sucked. You were never going to find Barb and all anyone was ever going to think was that you were crazy. Maybe you were but at least you didn’t give up like everyone else had.

Around that same time, Steve had gotten into a bit of an argument with Nancy. It was over everything with the Upside Down, because it  _ always _ was. He loved her and wanted to be there for her, but it was hard to do when she wouldn’t tell him how she felt. 

It wasn’t the worst fight they had, not by a long shot, but he went on a drive to clear his head, getting on the highway to do so. That’s when he saw you, standing on the side of the road, staring at your bike as though if you stared at it for long enough, it might just fix itself. Having not seen Steve’s car, you were pretty sure this was the part where you walked home.

What were you even going to say? How could you explain that you were biking to Indianapolis? Your mom would freak out and Tommy would have a field day.  _ You were so screwed. _

You jumped when you heard a car grind to a stop almost right next to you. For a moment, you thought you were in one of those dumb horror movies where the girl had to run away from a crazed murderer. However, you would have recognized Steve’s BMW just about anywhere. In a way, this was the second-worst option.

“Hey, uh, do you need a ride?” Steve asked.

You pursed your lips and nodded, “Yeah, I- I guess I do.”

“Get in, I’ll get your bike.”

“I can get it.”

“I got it, just sit down,” Steve insisted.

You couldn’t argue too much with him, so you got in the passenger seat of his car. He probably thought you were crazy too. Not that you cared all that much about what he thought or what he had to say about anything.

Steve didn’t complain or make any snide comments as he just barely managed to get your bike in the back of his car. Then again, saying hurtful things right off the bat wasn’t quite his style. You just hoped that the drive back could stay as quiet as things currently were.

However, you didn’t have much luck with that as he got back on the road. He kept driving away from Hawkins.

“I thought you were taking me home.”

“Is that where you were headed?” he asked.

You shrugged, “Well, no, but-”

“Where were you going?”

“You’re gonna laugh.”

Steve glanced at you, “I promise I won’t laugh. What is it? Were you trying to run away?”

“No, that might’ve been a better idea, though… um, I was trying to look for Barb,” it was dead quiet and you were quick to continue on, “I- I thought maybe I could get to that bus station in Indianapolis where they found her car and that maybe someone saw her and might’ve remembered where she went to.”

The car was still quiet and Steve knew he had to say something. He wanted to tell you everything, but he couldn’t bring himself to. You’d never believe him anyhow.

He sighed, “Do you still wanna go?”

“I- I can get there myself.”

“I think you got a flat tire. What were you even gonna do?”

“Well, I guess I’d walk or hitchhike if I had to. There’s gotta be something there.”

“Do you actually think you can do better than the police have?” he asked.

You shrugged, “They gave up and they don’t know her. Maybe I’d have better luck. A- and even if I don’t, I have to try. I don’t have another choice. Tommy took all the work I’ve done so far and I can’t just start from scratch again.”

“Y/N, don’t take this the wrong way, but don’t you think that if she were still around someone would have found her by now?” he asked.

The truth was, you  _ had _ thought of that. You thought of it so many times, but you couldn’t accept it. Barb had to be out there somewhere. If she wasn’t then your best friend was dead and, in a way, it was your fault. It was easier to bike all the way to Indianapolis and back than accept that.

You stared at your hands folded in your lap, “I- well, it’s worth looking, isn’t it? No one else is, it’s like everyone’s forgotten that she disappeared. And if I don’t do this, then no one else will. I- I know it’s crazy and stupid, but I have to try looking.”

“You just wanted to talk to some people at a bus station?” Steve asked.

You nodded, “Yeah, that’s all, you don’t even have to go around with me. I mean, if you ever thought that you were going to take me there.”

“I don’t have anything better to do,” he said, “And I’m not letting some serial killer pick you up in their car either.”

Steve knew that if he didn’t take you that you would try this all over again. And when you did, he wasn’t sure that you would get any help if your bike broke down. He knew there wasn’t going to be anything where you were looking, but he couldn’t say that. Maybe it would be easier to let you figure it all out for yourself. That was his theory.

The car ride was mostly quiet. You didn’t ask what he was doing on the highway. He was probably just driving around to think. You knew he liked to do that. Steve turned on the radio so the silence wouldn’t get too awkward.

You did get a chance to go to the bus station and ask a couple of employees if they had ever seen Barb. None of them even recognized her name or appearance. It was a dead end. She must have really wanted to be gone. You wished that someone would tell you why.

Steve knew that when you didn’t find anything, you wouldn’t take it well. That didn’t make it any easier to see you just on the verge of tears when you got back in the car. He knew better than to ask if you found anything out. That felt like such a cruel thing to ask.

“They’ve never seen her before,” you said softly as you sat in the passenger seat, “It’s like Barb was trying to just disappear without a trace.”

Steve kept his eyes on the road, “It’s been a few months, they see a lot of people.”

“I know, but this feels more and more hopeless. And now I feel like I really have to find her because I’ll just look even crazier if I don’t,” your voice cracked, “I just wanna know what I did wrong.”

Steve winced a little, “Nothing, you didn’t do anything wrong. Whatever happened with her, it’s not your fault.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“No, I’m not. I know you won’t believe me, and maybe you shouldn’t, but this isn’t on you and you don’t have to fix all of this either.”

“I’ve put too much time into this to stop now. My garden’s totally gone because I kept forgetting to water it, I don’t have any friends, Tommy  _ never _ gives me a break anymore, everything’s just getting worse and worse and I can’t stop it,” you let out a sob, burying your head in your hands.

Steve pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the car, “Hey, it’s gonna get better.”

“You don’t know that! I’m the one who’s been dealing with all of this on my own and it’s not going back to normal. You were right, okay? Maybe I should just give up.”

“I told you, I shouldn’t have said that. And maybe things won’t go back to how they were earlier, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t get any better. Things can change. You can plant another garden soon. Maybe that’s a place to start.”

You shrugged, “What’s the point if it’s all just gonna die off?”

“Don’t you like it? I mean, I guess I don’t know what you like anymore, but you always seemed to like that sort of stuff before.”

“I do… I just don’t like it as much as I used to. I don’t really like anything all that much anymore. All I’ve had for months now is looking for Barb and I can’t even do that right,” you buried your head in your hands, “Sorry, this isn’t your problem.”

Steve frowned and put a hand on your shoulder, “Maybe it’s not, but I still care about you. You know it’s okay that you can’t find Barb, right? She’s been missing for months and no one’s found her. Including people who actually know what they’re doing.”

“But no one else is looking for her! Hopper said it’s a cold case and that’s just such bullshit! He gave up on her just like everyone else and I can’t do that to her. She wouldn’t have done that to me.”

“But maybe it’s time for you to start moving on,” he paused in case you were going to argue and then continued, “I don’t mean you have to forget about her, but I don’t think Barb would want you to tear yourself apart trying to find her.”

You nodded, “Maybe you’re right.”

A part of you still desperately longed to push Steve away, knowing that nothing good could come from letting him back in, but you couldn’t do that right then. Not when he was actually being helpful. You still couldn’t figure out why he would take you all that way and back without batting an eye. Maybe Nancy made him a more considerate person or something like that.

By the time Steve pulled up to your house, it was already past dinner time. You knew that, but you were still glad Steve got you home either way. Though, you were still trying to piece together a good excuse for being out so long in your head.

When you walked in, your mom rushed right to the entrance of the house, “Where have you been?!”

“Um, I was studying at school and lost track of time. I was biking home and my bike got a flat so I had to walk the whole way back,” you explained.

Your mom let out a sigh, “Why didn’t you call?”

“I didn’t think about it,” you said weakly.

Tommy’s dad walked in, “How were you at school when Tommy said you ditched the last half off the day?”

You stared at the floor, “I um… I- okay I wasn’t at school, I was riding around, I needed a break away from everything.”

“Oh, you need a break from your failing classes?” he asked, “What could you possibly need to get away from? You never do anything. What do you even do while you should be at school?”

“Nothing,” you said, clenching your jaw.

Your mom glared at him, “There’s a plate for you in the oven.”

You took that as your cue to get out of the entryway and go to the kitchen. Why did Tommy have to say anything about you? A part of you wished that he would just ignore you. That had to be better than everything he had done lately.

While you made sure your food was warm, you could hear the arguing just the next room over. It was about you and you didn’t need to catch any of the words to know that. Who else could they be talking about? They were arguing and it was your fault. Maybe Steve was wrong about things getting better.

Once your dinner was heated up, you went straight to your room to eat. You caught a glimpse of your phone and had half a mind to pick it up. Except, who in the world were you about to call? The only person you could think of was Steve and you felt like you unloaded enough on him for a lifetime. This was simply something that you would have to take care of on your own. You could do that. You had done that every single day for the last few months.

After you finished your dinner that night, you figured out what you were going to try to plant in your greenhouse for the spring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I always love to hear what everyone thinks!


	8. love you to the moon and to saturn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer has rolled around once again and so has Steve. After a few months of a turbulent friendship, things finally feel like they are at a calming point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is less angsty than the last ones, I swear!!!

By some miracle, you just barely scraped by in school for the rest of the term. You couldn’t bring yourself to try looking for Barb anymore, but you could stick around in the event that she came back. Something that felt like it was less and less likely to happen with every passing day.

Once the school year was over, you could finally focus on everything around you. There wasn’t much to focus on outside of your garden, though. Summer was one of the times Tommy decided to lay off a bit. Probably because he could sneak off and do whatever he wanted with Carol. For the first time ever, Steve wouldn’t be around them all the time.

It was good for Steve, though. At least, you were pretty sure that it was because Tommy and Carol weren’t any good for him. They weren’t good for anyone. As long as they just stayed out of your hair, your summer could be pretty good.

That wasn’t to say things weren’t still lonely. There were some rumors that went around the school after Tommy made sure that everyone knew you were trying to look for Barb. No one said anything to your face. People just felt bad and pitied you more than anything, and that was somehow worse.

You were in the backyard, somewhere you often were for the days leading up to summer and most of the season thus far. It was somewhere in the evening. The sun was still bright, but you were allowed to water the plants since it cooled off a bit. This time, you started with the birch tree that just got planted. It wasn’t your idea, but it was going to be nice to have around

The real challenge was weeding, as it always was. At least you had more than enough time to worry about that. You heard the gate open and jumped up.

“We have a door, Steve,” you said with a bit of a laugh.

He shrugged, “Would you have heard if I knocked?”

“Well, no-”

“Then there you go. Now, what’re you up to?”

You gestured at the tree and the greenhouse, “Take a wild guess.”

Steve couldn’t help but give a relieved smile. A part of him had avoided stopping by just in case you decided to lock yourself in your room for the whole summer. He wasn’t sure what he would have tried to say if that were the case. It wasn’t something he had to worry about now.

“You got anything to drink?” he asked.

You nodded, “Yeah, I’ll get you some sweet tea.”

A part of you wasn’t sure why you didn’t just tell him to go away. You barely spoke to him after the drive to Indianapolis. There wasn’t anything to say. Then again, he was also around Nancy almost all the time. She was on vacation, so you figured that was why Steve came around. He didn’t have anyone else to talk to.

In all fairness, that was part of the reason Steve came. He also wanted to know how you were. Not in some stupid conversation at a store, though. He had to actually see that things were getting better. It was so easy to lie about that stuff, and he knew you would be the first to lie about that sort of thing.

You both sipped on sweet tea in your backyard while you continued to water the garden. It was a completely different setup this time. There were zinnias and marigolds and pink carnations. The space was colorful and it put a smile on your face.

“So, where is everyone?” Steve asked.

You shrugged, “My mom went off with my step-dad on a business trip and Tommy’s probably off with Carol. I might have the house to myself for the night.”

“Any special plans?” Steve asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You’re looking at them. I just water the plants, watch some tv and go to bed. Sometimes I read instead, nothing too crazy.”

“That’s some important stuff,” he remarked, “Do you mind if I crash those plans?”

“Go for it, I should probably talk to something other than some plants,” you said.

“You talk to the plants?”

“Well, um, yeah? It’s supposed to help them grow or something like that. I mean, they’re living things too so I doubt it hurts them.”

Steve grinned, “So what do you tell them?”

“Oh, not much… I sometimes read out loud to them and silly things like that. I come out here a lot if my mom and stepdad are talking.”

“Is it getting bad?” he asked, leaning against a wall.

You shook your head, “It’s nothing too crazy. I don’t think they’re gonna get a divorce or anything, but I know some stuff happened. Some of it’s my fault and some of it isn’t.”

They yelled at each other so much that Tommy was almost never home. You retreated into your room or the greenhouse until it stopped. Steve didn’t need to know that, though. The last thing you wanted to do was lean on him for something like this. It felt so trivial because it had all been building up for so long.

“Hey, I’m sure none of it’s your fault.”

You set down the watering can, “I had such a huge mental crisis after Barb ran away, there’s no way it isn’t at least a tiny bit my fault.”

Steve didn’t say anything to that. Mostly because he couldn’t think of anything to say to that. He wanted to say that you didn’t have a huge crisis, but he knew that was wrong to say. Though, he knew that you would have had some type of crisis whether you knew she died or not. A part of him felt like it would have been easier to just tell you.

Once again, he had half a mind to sit you down and tell you everything. Partially because he wanted you to know the full truth, but also because maybe telling you would help it all to make sense. He wanted to say something now more than ever.

But he couldn’t tell you any of that. Even if you didn’t tell anyone, he didn’t know how close of an eye the government was keeping on him. They could find out and hurt everyone he knew. He couldn’t risk everyone’s safety like that. Though, something told him that telling you could finally make it so he could look at his pool again. It was too soon to even think about touching the pool.

“Are you doing any better?” he asked.

You scrunched up your face, “I guess? I don’t know, I mean I’m not trying to bike all the way to Indianapolis or anything crazy like that. Everything still sucks, though, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said.

You almost laughed, “Why? You actually weren’t a dick when we last talked. It was actually really nice of you to help me.”

“But I put you in such a shitty spot. Come on, I’m trying to be friends with you, and the only reason I’m even here is that I’m bored and Nancy isn’t in town. Isn’t that a dick move?”

You slowly nodded, “I guess, but you’re here, aren’t you? And it’s not like you’re here because I’m replacing Nancy. Besides, I really need the company.”

“We could hang out more-”

“Not if you don’t want to. I- I mean, you’re probably really busy when Nancy’s around. And she probably needs you right now. She lost Barb too.”

“And who’s gonna take care of you?”

You shrugged, “That’s just not something you have to worry about.”

“Well, if you need me to worry about it, let me know,” he said, “Has Tommy been giving you a lot of grief?”

“I’d say it’s a normal amount of grief. He’s busy with Carol. I don’t think he likes being at home too much. I hope he’ll move out as soon as he graduates. That would solve so much.”

Steve nodded, “I wish you didn’t have to deal with him now. Or your step-dad. I know you won’t say it, but he’s a douchebag. He’s not much different from my dad and he sucks too, so I can only imagine how it’s been for you.”

You stared down at your cup and nodded, “Yeah, I like how things are right now, though. At least, I like it better than when school was going on. It’s easier to be alone when you don’t see everyone else hanging around each other. Seeing that just… it sucks.”

“It’ll be a new year, you don’t know what could happen,” he said, “Maybe things are actually gonna get better and you’ll get a friend who isn’t your asshole ex.”

“Well, you’re doing better than your asshole dad. At least, I think so.”

“Oh, uh, thanks.”

“Steve? Is it bad if I don’t think Barb’s coming back?” you asked before taking a sip of your tea.

He almost winced, “I don’t think so. We haven’t heard anything from her in forever. It might be good for you to try and move on.”

“Then why do I feel so guilty about it? I feel like I’m gonna forget her and barely remember her name or such small things about her. And then if I forget her it’ll be like she doesn't even exist and I can’t just do that to her.”

“Y/N, you can’t just hold onto all of those feelings for forever. It’s gonna hurt you and I think we both know that she wouldn’t want you to hurt, especially if it was because you felt guilty for moving on from losing her. You’re not doing anything wrong,” he said and reached over to you.

You smiled despite yourself, “I really wish ghosts were real so I could still talk to Barb if she ended up dead.”

“Ghosts could still be real,” Steve said with a shrug, “We don’t know. We never actually tried to speak to any ghosts in that lighthouse.”

You gave him a look, “That’s because we were more focused on each other than talking to any ghosts. Plus, there aren’t any ghosts there or here.”

“We don’t know. You’ve never seen a ghost, but you still could see a ghost. Stranger things have happened. Probably, I don’t know.”

It was weird to think that a year ago you would have been making out with Steve in an abandoned lighthouse that he was still positive was haunted even though it wasn’t and you knew that without a shadow of a doubt. A part of you wished you could go back. Everything was so perfect at that exact point in time and it was never going to be so great ever again. You knew that now.

You were tempted to bring up that it had been exactly a year, but you decided against it. There was no way that wouldn’t have been an awkward conversation and you didn’t want to be responsible for Steve leaving again. Especially when he was nice to talk to.

As badly as you wanted to say that you were over all of that, you knew better. You wanted him to say that he was stupid and broke up with Nancy because he loved you. It was a stupid fantasy and it would never happen.

No one was ever just going to show up in your backyard and say that they loved you and screwed it up. A part of you could hope, though. You still really hoped that it would happen.

The sun was starting to finally set, causing the clear walls of the greenhouse to filter in different shades of pinks and purples as the day seemed to end. If Steve had decided to go right back to you, that would have been a perfect time. But just like Barb coming back to Hawkins, it just wasn’t meant to be.

“Do you think, like, if ghosts were real and Barb was one that she would even want to talk to me?” you asked.

Steve was silent for a moment before nodding, “Yeah, I think she would. You guys were obviously close. You always have been.”

“Then why didn’t she ever leave any trace of herself? It just… I’m not as obsessed over it as I was before, but it doesn’t add up. It never has and it feels like I’m never going to learn what happened there,” you said.

Steve sighed, “I think sometimes shitty things just happen and sometimes you never figure out why.”

“No offense, but that’s one of the dumbest things I’ve heard you say. She could’ve said something. Unless the police and everyone else were wrong about seeing Barb’s car, but… but then that doesn’t make sense either.”

Every time you started to talk about Barb, Steve was terrified that you would somehow stumble on the right clues and come to the conclusion of what really happened. He wasn’t even sure what he would do if you figured out that he kept it from you. 

Then he would remember that it was almost impossible to think of the exact things that occurred back in November while being as clueless as you were. It was almost kinder to let you accept that, for whatever reason you chose to believe, Barb wasn’t coming back. He just hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t see you on the side of the road, alone all over again.

He shrugged, “None of it makes sense, but I think that’s just how it goes. I know that’s hard to think about, but I don’t think we’ll ever know what happened.”

“I just hate that all I can do is hope she’s okay. Maybe I should’ve gone to your stupid party.”

“No, I don’t think that would have fixed a whole lot.”

“But then she never would have left. She could have told me she was thinking about running off. Then you and Nancy could have done whatever and things would’ve been okay.”

“I never should’ve thought you were going to come. Tommy never should’ve made you come. You were  _ miserable _ and that’s on me. I never meant to hurt you as much as I did.”

You frowned, “But you still did, and either way I’m kind of okay now.”

“Only kind of?”

“I lost my best friend not all that long after you dumped me, what do you expect? It’s taken me forever to feel like things even had a chance to get better. And funny enough, I figured that out thanks to you,” you said.

He shook his head, “Nah, when did I say that?”

“When you picked me up off the side of the road. I almost hate to say it, but I’m really glad that you were around. I don’t know what I would’ve tried to do otherwise.”

“Yeah, that was pretty good timing if I do say so myself. Also, really bad timing on your end, that must’ve sucked.”

You nodded, “It did, and I never asked but what were you even doing that day? I know you like driving around and stuff but all the way on the highway?”

“You say that like I was almost to Chicago,” he laughed, “But, I don’t really remember it’s been a while. Probably something with Nancy. We get into a lot of fights.”

You frowned a bit, “Really? How come?”

“Oh, it’s mostly stuff with Barb and then sometimes it’s about other stupid stuff.”

“If it’s making you guys fight then it’s probably not as dumb as you think it is.”

He shrugged, “Things just aren’t great between us. I love her, I really do. I just… I never know if she loves me, you know? It still feels like she loves Jonathan, and that would be fine if she just told me, but she hasn’t so I think she still has feelings for me, but I don’t know. You probably didn’t wanna hear all of that, did you?”

“It’s fine, you can tell me that stuff, Steve,” you said, “And it sucks if she’s stringing you along like that, but I don’t think she would. Just because you thought you saw some stuff a few months ago doesn’t mean she likes Jonathan or whatever. I’m sure she loves you too. She would be stupid not to.”

As soon as the words left your mouth, you wanted to take them back. You waited to see if Steve took your words the wrong way. It was clear he didn’t. At least you knew for a fact that Steve wasn’t trying to get you back.

Though, hearing how much he loved Nancy wasn’t exactly surprising. While at school, it was obvious from how he interacted with her. You never talked to Nancy all that much. In a way, it was almost too painful to say anything to her about what happened now. There was clearly so much she wasn’t telling you.

It was obvious that Steve didn’t want to go into all of his problems with Nancy, but you figured it had more to do with not wanting to get too detailed about his own relationship with you. He probably would have thought it was rude or almost cruel. You were kind of glad he didn’t say anything because you wouldn’t have been able to stop him if he had.

In all fairness, that was a reason he didn’t say everything about Nancy to you. He also didn’t know how much he could get away with saying before things got dangerous. It was always something in the back of his mind no matter how hard he tried to get it out.

The sun was down and the stars were twinkling in the night sky by the time Steve headed out. You checked the time when you got back in the house and it was closer to midnight than you would have liked to admit. That was okay, though. As much as you didn’t want to admit it to yourself, you appreciated that he showed up out of nowhere like that.


	9. if one thing had been different, would everything be different today?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With school starting up again, there is finally a chance for the reader to get friends. However, you still get dragged into going to a Halloween Party where you find someone else who is less than happy to be there.

Time continued to press on regardless of what you wanted. Barbara still never came home and the more days that passed by, the more you became certain that she wasn’t coming back. You tried to befriend some people in your classes as the new school year started. It was a bit easier, but not by a whole lot. Tommy ruined a lot of chances you had to make friends. You didn’t have anyone you could hang out with all the time the way you did with Barb.

Anything that Steve mentioned when it came to having issues with Nancy seemed to be irrelevant because they were one of the power couples of the school. They seemed so happy and you were kind of glad. As much as you wished you could have been that happy, it was nice that there was someone out there getting to feel that way.

It was getting closer and closer to a year after Barb’s disappearance and you would have been lying if you said it didn’t mean anything. You wished that Barb had said something about leaving. Though, the more time that passed, the more you wondered how true it was that she ever ran away to begin with.

Halloween would have been fun had you been allowed to just give out candy to different kids in the neighborhood and watch scary movies on the television all night. It wasn’t eventful, but you didn’t need things to be all that eventful if you were being honest with yourself. If anything, the calmer that things were, the better.

However, instead of staying home for the holiday, Tommy insisted that you had to go to Tina’s party with him. His dad thought that if you were there that it would mean Tommy wouldn’t get wasted and screw around with Carol. Apparently, they got caught in the middle of having sex a month ago. You weren’t around to see it, but you would have gotten a kick out of seeing Tommy’s dad chew him out.

It would have been easy to tell Tommy no. He would have gone anyway, it was just a matter of whether or not he was going to be sneaking out. When he first asked, you were about to say a flat-out no.

After all, why should you do anything for Tommy? It was his fault for getting caught and for always being such a dick to everyone around him. You never really told him no before either, it would have been pretty nice to say that to him. Even then, none of your newer friends, like Robin from your chemistry class, were going to be there.

Before you could say it, though, you couldn’t help but remember the last time you said no to going to a party. Barb disappeared. If you didn’t go to this one, would someone else vanish too?

On a slightly more deluded note, you couldn’t help but wonder if this was when Barb would come back. Of course she would come back to a party you went to. It was only fitting. Maybe both scenarios were unlikely, but you couldn’t help wondering. There was only one way to find out if your thoughts were correct. You  _ had _ to go.

That was how you ended up in the same witch costume you wore the year before smack dab in the middle of Tina’s Halloween Bash. You took a cup of punch and opted to sit on the porch of the house. If anything was going to happen, wouldn’t it be right there in the yard?

Despite what you thought was a good enough plan, nothing happened as you sat in the autumn air. All that did happen was that you were starting to get cold. There was no Barb in sight or anything bad happening.

Right as you were about to get up from the porch swing, the door flew open and slammed shut. A guy, who you quickly realized was Steve, leaned against the fencing around the porch. You cleared your throat to get his attention. It was like he went entirely deaf.

“Steve?” you said, getting up to stand next to him.

He jumped as soon as he realized that you were right next to him, “Oh, hey. What’re you doing here?”

“Um, enjoying the view,” you said, “What’re you doing here? Shouldn’t you be doing the Monster Mash with Nancy right now?”

He let out a bitter laugh, “There’s a lot of things I should be doing right now… hey, you should go check up on Nancy. I know you don’t drive very much, but she’s totally out of it.

Right as he mentioned it, Jonathan walked out, practically holding Nancy up. You were starting to put things together and you looked up at Steve.

“How much did she have to drink?” you asked.

He shrugged, “Hell if I know, she was chugging that punch like she was told she’d never get to drink again. I tried to get her to slow down, but she wouldn’t have it.”

“Okay, but why’d you just leave her in the house like that?” you asked, “And you’re not drunk but you’re not all that happy.”

He sighed, “Are you cool with going to my car? I don’t wanna stay here much longer.”

A part of you wanted to say no. Only because of that minuscule chance that Barb would come back, but you knew that it wasn’t going to happen. So you nodded and followed Steve to his BMW and got into the passenger seat that you were all too familiar with.

“So, do you wanna talk about what happened back there?” you asked as he started to drive.

Steve sighed, “What’s there to talk about? Nancy got drunk and she said she didn’t love me. She said all of it’s bullshit.”

“Wait what?” you shook your head, “No way-”

“That’s what I thought too,” he stared out the windshield, “You got your wish though.”

You raised a brow, “What do you mean?”

“When I broke up with you, you said you hoped whoever it was I was so interested in would hurt me the way I hurt you… I think I get it now.”

“Hey, Steve, I- I shouldn’t have said that I was caught so off-guard, I never wanted you to hurt. A- and I never wanted you and Nancy to be miserable or anything.”

He shrugged, “It doesn’t matter. It happened.”

“No, it matters and I’m sorry. Really, I never should have said something like that. I- I never thought Nancy was gonna hurt you like that.”

“I didn’t think so either,” he muttered, “She doesn’t even love me anymore. It’s stupid, but I thought Nancy and I had a real chance and we were gonna really be together for forever.”

You frowned, “That’s not stupid. You really tried to make things work and you saw a future. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

It was quiet after that. Steve didn’t turn on the radio when he got in the car, so it was silent. You shifted in the passenger seat and could practically feel the tension in the air. When you said that at the time, it was out of anger and hurt and you didn’t like seeing Steve like this. You didn’t like that you could see that Steve was practically on the verge of tears.

In the whole time you knew Steve, you had never seen him cry. You wanted to do  _ something _ , but it was impossible to know what that was. It didn’t seem like you would be able to say anything all that helpful.

Steve eventually parked at some park in Hawkins. It was too dark for you to tell where exactly you were outside of the light he turned on in the car. Though, for as tense as the air was, it beat sitting on that porch all night thinking that Barb was going to magically come back. 

“Um, what were you doing at the party?” he asked.

You shrugged, “I thought we were talking about you right now.”

“It’s probably for the best that we don’t talk about me right now… so what were you doing?”

“Oh, uh, Tommy talked me into coming because his dad wouldn’t let him go otherwise,” you stared at your lap.

“Then why’d you go? Just because he told you?”

“Um, yeah,” you said.

Deep down, you knew Steve never would have laughed or made fun of you for your reasoning. Still, it was something that you weren’t sure about telling anyone. It just felt like such a delusional thought and it was just easier to sound like a pushover.

He looked at you, “Really? You and I both know you’re great at getting out of stuff.”

“Well, would it be such a bad thing if I just wanted to go to a Halloween party for once?”

“I know you’d rather watch  _ Halloween _ or something like that instead while eating candy. You hate those types of parties. Especially with Tommy around.”

You shrugged, “Well, I- I changed my mind.”

“So you could slowly get drunk on a porch swing all night?” Steve pointed out.

“Okay, fine I didn’t want to go but I  _ had _ to go.”

“What do you mean?”

“Um… you have to promise that you’re not gonna laugh at me or say it’s stupid,” you looked at him for a moment and then at your feet.

“Of course not, you can tell me.”

“It’s really stupid,” a nervous laugh left your mouth, “I um… I thought that if something bad happened like at your party that I could stop it from happening.”

Steve’s face fell, “Hey, none of that was your-”

“That’s not the only thing. Um… this part is the actual stupid thing, but I kinda thought that if I went to the party that it would somehow make it so Barb would finally come back. I- I  _ know _ that’s stupid to think, but I thought it was worth a shot,” you took a shaky breath, “I really don’t think she’s coming back.”

He shook his head, “Hey, no that wasn’t stupid. You wanted her to come back, that’s not a bad thing.”

“But shouldn’t I just get it through my head that whatever happened, nothing’s gonna change?” you asked.

He frowned, “No, that’s not exactly true. Maybe Barb won’t come back, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have hope that she’ll come back. I know Nancy hopes for the same thing.”

“Oh jeez, we’re talking about me and my problems when you just had to deal with everything with Nancy, I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s fine, seriously. It’s easier to not talk about it. She doesn’t love me and I’ll just have to get over it. Isn’t that what you did?”

You shrugged, “I guess. I don’t know, I mean, I’m over it if that’s what you’re asking, but I think time did that more than anything else.”

If you were being honest with yourself, you would have known that you weren’t entirely over Steve. You just found it easier to say that you were over it. If you weren’t, then what in the world could be done about it? Steve never broke up with Nancy as far as you knew. Even if he had, he wasn’t in any shape to be over it.

It was easiest to just believe you were over it. In all fairness, you hadn’t really talked to him much in a couple of months. Not seeing him made you think that you couldn’t be anything other than totally over it. And in a way, you were. You weren’t cursing him for being an asshole to you anymore. Wasn’t that being over it all enough?

“Well, uh, I’m still sorry about that. About everything, I was such a dick to you,” he said and sighed, “Not to rub salt in the wound or anything, but back in December, if things had panned out differently, I think something would’ve happened.”

You nodded slowly, “Well, nothing happened. And I mean, maybe I needed to go through all that shit.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if I never got hurt by anything then I never would’ve learned. I wouldn’t have grown.”

“Is it worth growing if you gotta get hurt first?”

You shrugged, “Hell if I know, but it happened. And it’s alright now.”

“I guess you’ve got a point,” he sighed a bit, “We really had something there for a while.”

“Yeah, we did,” you laughed a bit, “Well, it was good while it lasted.”

A part of you did wish that he just thought you were enough to be with. That he had stood up to Tommy for  _ you _ instead of Nancy. But if she was the person who got him to do it, then that was what mattered. You were just glad that he did it eventually.

Still, you couldn’t help but let yourself think that it would have been nice if he chose you at any point. The fact that he almost did make you wonder if there was still a chance. You weren’t going to hold your breath, though. All of that stuff with Steve was in the past. No one else caught your interest, but it was Hawkins. There was never going to be much in terms of options.

“So… do you know what you’re gonna do about Nancy?” you asked, looking at him.

“Nope. She doesn’t love me and I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do.”

“She probably doesn’t remember it at all. When Jonathan took her out of the house she could barely even stand up straight,” you pointed out, “Maybe it’s worth talking to her about it.”

“I just don’t know how I’m supposed to face her. Like, what the hell do I do if we break up and I don’t have anyone to hang out with?”

“I mean, I’m not a great option, but I’m still here. And you shouldn’t just stay with someone because you don’t wanna be alone. It’ll only make you feel lonelier.”

He sighed, “I know, but I’m so used to having Nancy that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when I don’t have her around anymore. And it’s not fair of me to keep her around if she doesn’t love me, but shouldn’t I at least try?”

“Well, you obviously love her. It’s worth a shot, but you can’t be surprised when things don’t pan out in the way that you were hoping.”

“I know, it just sucks. I really thought it was gonna work out. I did  _ everything _ I could to make it work,” he frowned, “It’s all bullshit, isn’t it?”

You leaned over and put a hand on his shoulder, “No, it’s not. You love someone and that’s not something that’s really happened before. Come on, you cared about her so much that you stood up to Tommy and basically gave up most of your popularity in one fell swoop. That’s a lot and it shows you care about people.”

Steve hoped you wouldn’t have brought up anything about his popularity. He didn’t even want to hear anything about Billy. The guy was probably giving you all kinds of hell since he was hanging out with Tommy all the time. It sucked that some other guy just took his spot, but at the same time, that all felt like it was bullshit too. 

“Hey, does Hargrove give you a hard time?” he asked.

You laughed a bit and shrugged, “You tell me. He’s only been here a couple of days, Tommy hasn’t brought him home yet. I’m not looking forward to it, though. You were always my favorite out of all his friends.”

“Wow, glad I managed to top Carol. I know that’s a tough call for you,” he said with a bit of a smile.

It was hard to tell what was going to happen now that Tommy found a new friend. You hoped that whatever Billy’s deal was that he would just leave you alone. Outside of that, you didn’t care what happened. Nothing happened so far, you just weren’t interested in much that involved status while in school.

There wasn’t much else to talk about between the two of you. Steve didn’t want to say too much about Nancy. Not when it all still stung so badly. Besides, he had no idea how much he could say until he started to get into all the things he wasn’t allowed to tell you.

He didn’t want to outright say that everything with Barb affected the way he treated you. It would never have gone right and he knew that if he tried to say anything along those lines that you would get out of the car and walk home. In a way, it was just easier to keep his mouth shut about the things that gnawed at him and just pretend he had been an asshole out of nowhere and for no reason.

Either way, it wasn’t like you knew what he was thinking. All he knew for sure was that he was lucky to still have you around at all. Maybe things should have been different, but he knew it would have only been a matter of time before he would have cracked under the pressure in some way. Besides, he  _ did _ love Nancy. She was great, but it was obvious she didn’t think the same things about him.

“Hey, you should really talk to Nancy tomorrow,” you said.

Just like the last time, you didn’t want to tell Steve to go back to Nancy, but she made him happy. At least, that’s the way it seemed to be. You didn’t want him to hurt in the same way you had. It was painful and he didn’t deserve that. He said some rude stuff, sure, but that wasn’t the point. He seemed to have come farther since then.

He nodded, “Yeah, I’m probably going to… I don’t think it’s gonna fix much, though.”

Seeing him that resigned was almost painful for you. Somehow, you were sure that it wouldn’t be the end of it for them. You were pretty confident in all that. If you were wrong, though, then you wanted to be there for Steve. If nothing else, because you knew he wouldn’t have anyone else to go to. You knew better than anyone else how tough that could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you really enjoyed the chapter, I always love hearing people's thoughts!


	10. there are some things you just can't speak about

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the immediate events of closing the Upside Down, Steve is left concussed and rather alone. Unsure of who to get help from, he asks you to patch him up for the second time.

To say that things weren’t going according to plan was an understatement for Steve. Things not going to plan was something to be said about not winning back Nancy, which was something that happened hours ago by this point. It sucked, but that was nowhere near as bad as getting beaten up by Billy Hargrove.

Everything felt kind of hazy and cloudy after that. He didn’t even feel like he was really in his own body when he got dragged into the tunnels by the kids. It all felt like some awful dream that happened after he passed out. Except, he knew that it wasn’t. He was simply lucky to still be alive. Even luckier that all the kids made it out fine.

All of the things that happened were merely things that he could never tell anyone else. That had been fine when he was close to one of the few people he could talk to, but now all he had was some thirteen-year-old kid. He wasn’t going to talk to Dustin Henderson about all his problems. It wasn’t fair to the kid.

“You sure you don’t wanna go to a hospital, kid?” Hopper asked as Steve got into the passenger seat of the police cruiser.

Steve nodded, “Just take me home, please.”

Hopper didn’t question it all too much. Probably because he would have been against going to the hospital after a fight himself. It was bad enough to get beaten up the way he had, but to get serious help for it all just felt even more wrong if he was being honest with himself. Besides, Steve was sure that it wasn’t something a bit of sleep couldn’t fix.

Not much was said, which Steve was pretty glad about. He didn’t know what he would even say to the chief of police in the first place. They never talked before and he wasn’t even sure if Hopper wanted to talk about what happened. Steve kind of did, but he wasn’t sure what he would even try to say.

He was just glad no one got onto him for not keeping the kids from getting in the tunnels. It was the one thing he was supposed to do and he screwed it up, but no one pointed it out. Then again, what was he supposed to do? Clearly, he couldn’t win a fight for whatever reason. Not that it mattered now, all the damage had been done. To both his ego and himself.

After a little bit, Hopper pulled up to Steve’s house and stopped the car. Steve mumbled a thank you and got out, shutting the door behind him.

The Harrington residence was dark and silent when he unlocked the front door. It was usually like that when he got in late at night. His parents were off on a business trip. He didn’t know where they were. It was nice that he didn’t have to explain anything to them, though. He wasn’t sure he would have known what to say.

Steve walked upstairs, straight to his bedroom and took one look in the mirror. He looked like hell. Especially with the rainbow bandaids that just barely covered any of the cuts on his face. Those were the first things he took off and threw in the trash. It was sweet of the kids, but it didn’t fix anything.

The smart thing to do next would have been to go and clean up his face, but everything felt like it was spinning and he just wanted to go to sleep. He couldn’t remember if you were supposed to go to sleep or not while having a concussion. What was the worst thing that could happen? The worst of the worst had already happened.

Did he even have a concussion? That was out of the question the more that he thought about it. All he knew was that he was exhausted and the pain and cloudiness in his head didn’t help that.

Except, Steve realized the only thing worse than dying in his sleep would be waking up to a filthy pillowcase in the morning. If he couldn’t patch himself up like this then he had to ask for help. The list was pretty short. He wasn’t about to ask Nancy or Jonathan for help right now or Hopper.

Maybe he was out of his mind, but the only person he could think to call at two-thirty in the morning was you. It was a terrible idea. You would probably have a lot of questions. There was a chance you would sleep through him calling all together or would flat out refuse to come. He couldn’t blame you for either of those things.

Still, you were his best option, so he took the phone on his bedside table and dialed your number. If he had any form of luck going for him, you would pick up.

If it had been a normal night, you would have been fast asleep in bed by the time the phone rang in your bedroom. Instead, you were slumped over your desk having been asleep on accident for around half an hour. The phone almost made you fall out of your chair, but you caught yourself and you picked up the phone by the third ring.

“Hello?” you said, your voice groggy as you tried to hold back a yawn.

Steve almost hung up from how tired you sounded, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to ask anyone else, “Can you come over?”

“Steve? It’s almost three in the morning, what do you want?” you asked.

“Um… I need help? My parents aren’ home an’ I feel like shit right now. Nancy and I are  _ really  _ over and Hargrove beat the shit out of me an’ everything just sucks an’ I- I don’ wanna be alone right now,” he said.

You only caught half of what he said from how slurred Steve’s words came across and how poorly he spoke into the phone, “I’ll be right over.”

You hung up the phone and threw on some shoes before going out of the house and getting on your bike. It didn’t even feel like sneaking out with everyone at home already asleep. Sure, you had been asleep too, but not really.

Barb’s absence truly hit you when you went out to check on your plants that day only to see everything that was planted in the ground rotted. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Well, other than the fact that plenty of farmers were dealing with the same problem. Maybe it shouldn’t have gotten to you as much as it had, but it was enough to keep you up that night.

Maybe it was for the best because if you got the gist of Steve’s words right, he needed you there. Why he needed you at three in the morning was beyond you, but you were going regardless of the reasons. After all, you were awake and didn’t want to go back to sleep.

When you hung up so abruptly, Steve wasn’t sure if that meant you were coming or not. Though, he got his answer when he heard the doorbell ring five times in a row. He just barely managed to get down the stairs without falling and he opened the front door to see you rather disheveled. Nothing bad, but it looked like he woke you up.

“Woah! What happened?” you asked, looking at him.

He let you in the house and shrugged, “Lost a fight.”

“No shit! You look like you need a hospital,” you said, “Um, do you need a ride? I can’t really drive that well, but I could probably take your car if you’ll let me-”

“No, I’m not going to a hospital. I- I just need a bit cleaned up or something like that.”

“You called me up late at night just to wipe up your face?”

“Uh… yeah.”

You raised a brow and shook your head, “Okay, c’mon.”

There had to be more to it than him just needing a bit patched up. You weren’t even sure why Billy would have beaten him up so badly. It didn’t make any sense to you.

You didn’t ask too many questions at first. Instead, you led the way up to Steve’s bathroom and found the same stuff that you used a year ago to clean him up after everything with Jonathan. Though, Jonathan hadn’t hurt him nearly as badly. Last time, you hadn’t needed to physically help Steve up the stairs. It wasn’t easy to get him up there either.

Still, you both made it up in one piece and that was all that mattered as you got a warm and soapy washcloth to wipe off some of the dirt and blood from his face. There was something else there that was almost soot-like, but you didn’t ask what it was from. It was probably just dirt as well. 

Steve winced as you dabbed at one of the cuts on his face and you pulled back for a moment.

“Sorry, you know I’ve gotta do this, though,” you said, doing everything you could to be gentle, “Are you gonna tell me what happened?”

Steve grimaced, “Hargrove beat me up.”

“Well, obviously, but why? You guys talked, like, once.”

This was the sort of thing Steve knew he had to be careful about and he wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t want to just lie to you, but he knew that he couldn’t explain everything properly. Still, you deserved some type of explanation.

He sighed, “I was babysitting some kids and his stepsister was there. She, uh, she freaked out when she saw him pull up so I tried to take care of it.”

“Emphasis on tried,” you said as you went to dab peroxide on him.

You didn’t ask why he was babysitting kids. Probably because you were more concerned about how off Steve was. He was still holding onto you at some points despite the fact he was sitting down. It was like you were the only thing that kept him from falling off the edge of the bathtub.

There was a lot that he obviously wasn’t talking about, but you thought it had to do with pride more than anything else. This was a bit worse than getting beaten up by Jonathan a year ago.

It took Steve a bit to notice that you weren’t completely there yourself. Though, with how little you said as you patched him up, he couldn’t help but wonder if it was more than just the fact it was three in the morning. He helped close an alternate dimension, but that didn’t mean that everything felt alright in the world as he knew it.

“Did something happen?” he asked.

“Hm?”

“You seem a bit off.”

You let out an awkward laugh, “Well, yeah, it’s three and you called me up asking for help, of course I’m not all there.”

“I think it’s more than that. What’s wrong?” he asked, looking at you, “I’m not gonna stop bugging you about it until you tell me.”

You frowned, “It’s really stupid.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you.”

“The new birch tree, and well, everything we had in the backyard planted in the ground is just gone,” you said with a slight shrug, “There was this weird black decaying stuff and there were these weird slugs on the plants a few days ago. I- I don’t know, all my hard work was for nothing. And Barb’s been gone for a year and she’s not coming back and everything really sucks right now.”

Steve leaned forward to wrap his arms around you and you were quick to return the hug. It was something you both leaned into. You were so sure that the night had just been that bad for Steve. Meanwhile, he was just glad nothing happened to you. He didn’t know what he would have done if you ended up in those tunnels on your own.

You pulled back first, making sure to finish cleaning and patching up Steve. Not a whole lot was said about Nancy. You thought Steve would have been more hurt. Though, he was probably getting ready to accept that break up after Halloween night.

“You’re lucky, you know,” he said, “You have so much you’ve never had to worry about. And you’re gonna get that garden back.”

You tried to not roll your eyes, “You’ve got a concussion, Steve.”

“Nah, I’m serious, you’re gonna get it back and maybe things really will get back to normal for you.”

“Things aren’t going back to normal, no matter what I do. I’ll just have to replant a bunch of stuff in the spring, it’s fine.”

He shook his head, “But it’s not fine and I should’ve done so much better for you. You deserved better.”

“What?”

Steve stayed quiet for a moment, trying to think of where he was going with saying that to you. All he knew was that it was true. You deserved better than what you got. He had been such an awful boyfriend to you, to Nancy too, but especially to you. 

“I know I’ve said it a lot, but I treated you so bad and you should’ve gotten someone better than me. You should’ve gotten better than everything that happened with Barb and losing Nancy and- I don’t think I’m ever gonna stop being sorry about all that.”

“You need to go to bed.”

He crossed his arms, “You first.”

“This is your house, I still gotta get home.”

“Stay over here with me. I got another room, I can share my bed, I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“We’ve got school in, like, almost four hours,” you said, helping him up and out of the bathroom, “I better not see you at school tomorrow, though.”

Steve frowned, “Why don’t you wanna see me?”

“I don’t mean it like that, I mean you’re in no shape to go to school,” you said, getting to his room and sitting next to him on the bed.

“Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. Thought you didn’t wanna see my pretty face for some reason.”

You reached over to hold his hand, “I’m always more than happy to see your dumb face.”

Both of you looked at each other and you felt your heart drop right to your stomach. Every single thing you felt a few nights ago just flooded right back to you. How Steve said everything should have been different and how he wished it had been.

Your eyes stared at his brown ones, one was all but swollen shut but that still didn’t take away from the look he gave you. It was against your better judgment and you knew that, but nothing stopped you from pulling Steve closer to yourself by his navy blue shirt. Steve especially didn’t stop you. Instead, he pulled you even closer and closed the space between both of you.

His lips were against yours and you kissed him back, being especially gentle to avoid making the cut on his lip worse. You pulled him closer and his arms wrapped around you.

Then, you slowly pulled back. You couldn’t quite meet Steve’s gaze. What had you just done? He barely got dumped by Nancy that night, what did that say about you? And he wasn’t in his right mind either.

“Sorry, I- I can’t do this,” you said, getting up, “I can’t just replace Nancy for you.”

Steve’s mouth hung open and he shook his head, “No, I wasn’t trying to do that, Y/N, please.”

“It’s not what you’re trying to do, but it’s what would end up happening. I know you’re hurting right now, Steve, but I can’t do that to myself,” you said walking to the door of his room, “I’ll see you later, okay? I- I might stop by tomorrow or something.”

You didn’t wait to hear if Steve had anything else to say and Steve didn’t run after you. Though, you knew that mostly had to do with how he never would have been able to catch up. It was easier to run out of the house and get on your bike and go home. Maybe Steve wouldn’t remember most of what happened when he woke up the next morning.

Steve did try to get up from his bed, but he ended up sitting right back down from the wave of dizziness that took over. By the time he was able to get himself up, he heard the door open and close, signaling that you were already gone. He plopped back down on his bed again and buried his head in his hands. How did he manage to screw everything up so badly?

It was bad enough that he screwed it up with Nancy, but now he screwed it up with you too, again. What he was going to do at school whenever he went back was beyond him. For a moment he really felt like things got better. Just for that split second before you pulled away.

As blurred as Steve’s mind was, he knew that he should’ve done things differently, but maybe you could both just choose to forget it happened. In a way, it was almost easier to do it like that. He still wanted to talk to you and he knew that he needed someone to talk to while at school. After all, Dustin was still just some middle school kid. He needed a friend, not a rebound.

He left the lights on that night despite how much they made his head hurt. Despite not knowing if he should sleep or not, Steve still found himself passed out on his bed just on top of the covers. At some point in the morning, he got himself under the covers, not bothering to wake up until almost noon the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's had a good new year! If you liked this chapter, I would love to know!


	11. when you can't sleep at night, you hear my stolen lullabies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the lab being taken out, that means Barb’s death has been made public. Along with it, you have to face the loss head-on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for posting a day late, with everything that happened yesterday I didn't want to post such a sad chapter. So yeah, warning that this chapter is pretty sad. Hope y'all like it though!

It was exactly a year to the day since Barb went missing. The November morning was freezing cold and you could feel how cold it was all the way inside the school. There was probably something wrong with the heating that no one at the school talked about. Probably because it would cost too much to fix.

You sat in your homeroom class that used to have Barb in it, but she hadn’t been in her seat for a year. Nancy would have been there too, but she switched out of the class. Instead, you were left with a bunch of people you didn’t know. Aside from Steve and a handful of others you barely knew the names of.

Though, there was no way you would just sit next to Steve in class when there were plenty of other spots. A part of you considered switching homeroom classes. Maybe you would do that for the next semester.

No matter how hard you tried to focus on anything else other than what day it was, your mind circled back to Barb. The class hadn’t even started yet. You pulled out a notebook so you could look like you were doing something. That was what you did to keep Steve from coming up to you.

If there was one thing you could have changed, it would have been kissing him that night, but you had done it. Steve never mentioned it. There was a chance that he didn’t even remember what happened.

In a way, you were right. Steve didn’t remember the events exactly. He was pretty sure he called you when he got home. There was no way he would have been cleaned up so well otherwise. Though, he was pretty sure that he only kissed you in a dream. It all felt so hazy and the details all blurred together. If it had been real, he was kind of sure you would have mentioned it.

All the same, he liked that dream. He just wasn’t sure if he should tell you about it or not. If anything, he was pretty sure he said some sort of stupid thing to you from how quick you were to avoid him. It had only been a few days and he still wasn’t entirely there, but he noticed.

The teacher stood up once the bell rang and looked over the class. She stood up so quickly that it caught your attention, making your head snap up.

“I have an announcement that I was told to make,” she said, looking over a paper once more, “It was found last night that Barbara Holland has been confirmed to be dead due to a chemical leak from Hawkins Laboratory.”

In that exact moment, you felt like you couldn’t hear anything. It was as if someone threw you into an ice-cold lake tied to a rock. You couldn’t tell what the teacher was saying and you couldn’t think about anything. There was a ringing in your ears and you stared down at the wooden desk.

It had to be a joke. You spent too much time looking for someone who was already dead. Barb had been dead in Hawkins this whole time? There was no way.

Eventually, you heard pure silence, and you held up a hand, “Can I go to the bathroom?”

You were almost too quick to get out of the room. Steve knew that this news was going to come up sometime soon. Nancy told him about what happened at Murray’s. It was for the best at the end of the day, but at the moment he wished that he had been able to tell you everything. How couldn’t he have told you?

The teacher didn’t notice that you picked up all your things and left. You knew that being at school was pointless. Your best friend was dead. She had been dead the whole time and you tried so hard to prove that she wasn’t. You believed she was out there somewhere.

It was better to think that Barb was off on some great adventure that she would eventually come back from than to think some chemicals had killed her a year ago. To think, some of the last things you told her were about how you felt for Steve and not how much you appreciated having her as a friend.

While it was still freezing outside you biked back home regardless. You haphazardly left your bike on the steps leading up to your house and rushed to the backyard. What was left of the greenhouse was doing rather well. That was everything that didn’t get planted right into the ground. Whatever odd fungus started to eat everything up left as suddenly as it came.

You felt tears in your eyes as you tended to your white chrysanthemums. There really wasn’t anything you could do and it was over. Why did everyone wait so long to say Barb died? Why would anyone try to give you some kind of hope when there wasn’t any?

Before you knew it, you were unable to stop the tears from falling down your face. The greenhouse was warm, but it didn’t stop the gnawing chill deep inside of yourself. You hugged yourself as you cried and sat on the dry dirt of the ground.

There was a knock at the door of the greenhouse that was quickly followed by the door opening. Steve stepped in and shut the door behind himself.

He knew this was going to happen eventually. It had to. If anyone deserved to know, it was you. 

“Uh, I’m sorry about your tree,” he said, sitting next to you on the ground.

You were quick to wipe your eyes, but you still stared at the ground, “That’s it?”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No, how’d you find me anyway?”

“It’s not hard. You’re either here or in the house. I tried knocking, but you didn’t hear.”

You nodded slowly, still unable to think about anything other than that night. How had you been so stupid? Why was everything falling apart at the exact same time of year all over again?

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I- I wanna be alone right now,” you said, still unable to meet his gaze.

Steve frowned, “Oh. Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

Steve nodded and then got up before leaving. He couldn’t place why he felt so empty. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that you wouldn’t speak to him almost at all. Not that you guys ever talked that much to begin with, but he had been so sure you wouldn’t have wanted to be alone at a time like this.

In all fairness, Steve was right. However, you didn’t want to be with him while you went through this. You didn’t want to think about Barb’s death and everything with Steve all at the same time.

There was still a part of you that wished you could tell Steve to come back, but you didn’t want to confuse him. Besides, when it came to everything with Barb, he had enough already. He drove you to Indianapolis just so you could learn nothing new.

He probably knew it was a lost cause too, but he still took you. It didn’t make sense, but you had been glad he did it at the time. Now, you just wished that someone had hit you over the head and screamed at you that she was dead. That she had been dead this whole time.

It had been a year since Barbara disappeared and died. She must have been so alone. You knew what that was like, but you couldn’t imagine dying alone. She probably suffocated and didn’t even know what was going on.

The thought made bile come up in the back of your throat, but you swallowed it down. You would just have to make peace with the fact that Barb was never coming back.

Despite Barb having been dead for a year, it still felt like the funeral happened too soon. By the weekend, you stood in the cemetery with Barb’s family and a few friends. It was a small service and you stood to the side. The only people there you knew were Steve and Nancy. Though, Nancy was with Jonathan and you still weren’t sure if you wanted to talk to Steve about all this stuff. You weren’t sure if you wanted to talk to anyone about this.

You were given a white rose to lay on Barb’s gravestone along with everyone else. They never even found her body. You almost didn’t want to know what happened to it.

For some reason, you just couldn’t bring yourself to cry at the service. It felt like you couldn’t. Not when her parents were sobbing. They tried harder to look for her more than anyone else. You could only have imagined their reactions when they learned that they had been looking for no one.

It was almost easier to coast through the service as though you were only halfway present. Sure, you stood and you didn’t fall asleep or anything, but your mind tried to focus on anything else other than the gnawing, ice-cold feeling that still grew inside of you.

Steve wanted to throw up. He never even knew Barb that well while she was alive. All he ever knew was that you and Nancy were friends with her. Sure, he ate dinner with her parents, but those were her parents. The same people he kept lying to by not telling them what happened to their daughter. He lied to you too.

How could he have just taken you to Indianapolis? He should have just told you everything. Nancy clearly got away with it and she told the world. All he wanted to do was tell you. And now all he could do was watch as you stood there, emotionless.

The reception was at the Holland residence and it was rather quiet, but it was a bit more lively than the funeral. You could barely get yourself to eat or drink anything, but you tried. You didn’t want to seem entirely out of place

You went to give Barb’s parents your condolences. There wasn’t much else to do outside of that. You had already given them a lily plant. Not that it was ever going to make up for the way things went or the fact that Barb was dead. A part of you was glad you stopped looking when you had. It would have led nowhere. No wonder you couldn’t find anything in the first place.

It made you feel a bit stupid to think you had any kind of hunch in the first place. You noticed Steve on the other side of the room, looking around as though he was trying to see if he should leave now. The only reason you could tell was because you were trying to figure out if you should leave or stay a bit longer yourself.

He didn’t notice you look over at him, something that was likely for the best. You still weren’t sure if he remembered that night all that well. If you could just get yourself together for a few minutes, it would be worth asking. Except, you didn’t want to ask about anything along those lines for as long as you could help it.

When you were pretty sure no one was looking, you slipped out of the living room and up to where you knew Barb’s room would be. A part of you wondered what had been done with her room. Though, you could never bring yourself to ask her parents.

You got your answer when you quietly turned the brass-colored door handle and pushed the door open. Everything was exactly the way you remembered it. Nothing had been touched and you could even see the dust on Barb’s desk. If someone looked through her room to try and investigate her supposed disappearance, they put it right back.

The room was so familiar. There were so many days and nights you spent studying there. You stayed the night and shared the same bed that was still made like it usually was. As you walked closer to the bed, you noticed that the pillows were still the same.

It was almost like it was that night all over again when you first told Barb about everything with Steve. You almost expected to look back at her desk and see her there or for her to toss one of those pillows at you again.

Of course, when you looked over, the chair was empty as it had been for over a year. No one was going to sit in it any time soon. Not unless the Hollands were still serious about moving. Then maybe it would get thrown in some thrift store for some other teenage girl to take and sit in at her desk. Hopefully, that girl wouldn’t die in such a tragic way.

You walked around, looking at the different pictures on the walls and on Barb’s desk and nightstand. Some were of the two of you, some had the both of you with Nancy. There were some of just her and Nancy or her family. It felt jarring to look and see yourself with her beaming from how happy you were.

Would you ever be able to feel that happy again? You tried to force the thought out of your head. There was a slight creak in the floorboards that you thought had just been yourself.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to be here.”

Your eyes widened and you swung around only to see Steve and you let out a breath, “You can’t do that, Steve!”  
“What, you’re probably not supposed to be here,” he said, “But I think I was the only one who saw you.”

You rolled your eyes, “My hero.”

“Well, only if you want… seriously, though, I could keep a lookout for you. Let you know if anyone’s onto you.”

“I- I just wanted to see her room… it’s not a big deal.”

“You can’t keep saying shit like that. Your best friend’s dead, I  _ know _ it’s a big deal.”

You clenched your jaw in an attempt to ignore the knot that built in your throat, “If we were such good friends then why the hell wasn’t I at your stupid party hanging out with her?”

“Because you didn’t wanna be there. It’s okay that you weren’t there, Y/N.”

“But if I’d been there she wouldn’t have left. We could’ve taken up one of your guest rooms in your house and stayed there the whole time. It would’ve been  _ fine _ and she would still be here! If I hadn’t been such a selfish bitch who was so damn concerned with what you, of all people, thought of me then she’d still be alive and we wouldn’t even be talking about this right now!” you exclaimed, your voice cracking as you stopped speaking.

Steve could only watch as you started to cry. Maybe Nancy was right, that both of them killed Barb. If he hadn’t been so obsessed with looking more and more popular, then this mess never would have happened. It wasn’t your fault and he wanted to explain that to you, but he knew that if he did he would end up telling you everything. And for what? Telling you about the Upside Down would only make you feel worse than you already did.

He searched his mind for something to say that would make you feel better. Any words that he could have possibly thought of died before they could reach his tongue. So instead he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close to himself.

You buried your face in the crook of his neck, unable to get yourself to stop crying. Steve rubbed your back and you all but melted into him. While you couldn’t stop crying, you were almost positive that you got mascara onto his dress shirt.

There was a wet spot on Steve's shirt and he could feel it. Still, he wasn't about to push you away. Not after everything that happened. He still wasn’t sure why you tried so hard to avoid him, and he was sure that it was still because of something he said when you came over to patch him up. It wasn’t something he needed to know, though. Hell, he didn’t even  _ want  _ to know what stupid thing he said or did. He just wanted to fix it.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here, yeah?” Steve said, wiping some of the tears from your eyes.

You nodded and followed him out of Barb’s bedroom. Though, you looked it over one last time before you shut it behind you. No one else seemed to notice you went up to her room. That was probably for the best. You were sure her parents wouldn’t have minded if you went up to her room, but they probably wouldn’t have liked that you snuck up there.

There were still some people milling about the house, but you and Steve headed right out. It was so strange to think about how that was almost definitely the last time you were ever going to set foot in there. While it wasn’t your house, you had grown so used to it. You knew everything about it. Where the silverware was and where the spice cabinet was and where Barb’s parents kept all the extra blankets and towels. 

“Did you have a ride or anything?” he asked.

You nodded, “Tommy took me to the funeral, but he kinda left before everything really got started.”

“What an asshole,” Steve murmured, “Well, I can take you home. Unless you wanna grab something to eat.”

You shrugged a little, “I should probably eat something.”

No, you still didn’t feel hungry, but you didn’t feel like there was still some pit of ice inside of yourself. Instead, it was all just empty. You also didn’t want to go back to your house. Not when your mom would probably still be arguing with your step-dad. Probably over something that Tommy tried to start in some dumb attempt at revenge.

You weren’t sure when it was going to get through his head that it would take a lot for the two of them to split up. Though, you would have been lying if you said you didn’t wish they would just call it quits already. It sucked having to deal with his step-dad every single day.

Steve unlocked his car and you got in the passenger seat, “I’m thinking some KFC if you don’t mind.”

“Go for it,” you replied. 

Admittedly, some fried chicken didn’t sound half bad. Hanging out with Steve didn’t leave your mind racing the way you thought it would have. You were pretty sure he didn’t remember that night at all. Maybe it would do you some good to forget it too.

There wasn’t anyone else you could talk to about Barb in the same way and you knew that. No one else would ever really get it as he did. Even then, you weren’t too sure that Steve understood the way you felt. But at least he didn’t look at you like you were going crazy. That was good enough.

Steve drove towards the KFC and he couldn’t help but wish he had done better by you. Not even just while he was with you. He was pretty sure that ship sailed a long time ago. Still, he should have told you that summer night or when he picked you up on the side of the road. You never would have told anyone.

Now, there wasn’t anything worth telling you. It would be selfish to tell you about that night with the demodogs and the gate and the tunnels. He would only get you wrapped up into a world that he had no business in cluing you in on. There would be so much that you couldn’t tell anyone. Now it was just for the best to never tell you any of what happened. It wasn’t like you were ever going to ask what really happened that night. All you needed to know was that Billy Hargrove beat the shit out of him. Never mind the extra parts.

It was quiet between both of you, even as you both shared a bucket of chicken in an empty parking lot. Neither of you wanted to sit around wearing all black in the seats there. Besides, you knew that you didn’t want to have to talk to anyone who knew you right then. You didn’t really want to talk to anyone if you were being honest with yourself.

Though, if there was anyone you’d prefer to be stuck with in this sort of situation, it probably was Steve. At least he wasn’t going to try too hard to pry. It almost seemed like he expected you to be quiet the whole time. Which was the case as you guys ate.

There was some slight small talk as he drove you home, but nothing like what you both talked about at the funeral. Steve wanted to say something stupid or kind of funny just to get you to crack the slightest smile. Except, he couldn’t think of  _ anything _ right then. The fact that any of this happened was on him. How could he manage to make light of that?

So instead he dropped you off at your house and both of you mumbled something about seeing each other at school. Something that probably would happen. You didn’t want to have to deal with a lot of the friends you made in the last couple months. They just didn’t seem to get it.

That night, neither of you could manage to get to sleep. You kept tossing and turning, occasionally glancing at the phone. The thought of calling Steve and seeing if he was up was tempting, but you never got out of the bed.

Steve couldn’t get himself to close his eyes when he could turn over and see the pool illuminated out his window. It didn’t matter that he closed his plaid curtains, it was still there. In a way, Barb was still there and he was pretty sure that she always would be.

The only thing he could do that sometimes took the edge off was putting a mixtape you made him so long ago. It at least took away the sounds from outside. He couldn’t hear anything from the forest or the pool that way.


	12. the devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the funeral, you finally found a new friendship with Steve. Though, it is one that comes with new and different feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoy this one! I definitely did a lot of projecting from my own personal life whoops!

After the events of the funeral, you found yourself hanging out with Steve more than anyone else. Something that was completely fine with you. He never seemed to expect anything out of you and that was what you knew you needed more than anything.

You still talked to your other friends, but not quite as often. Whenever you started to talk about Barb, they would always try to change the subject. Almost as though talking about the dead just wasn’t allowed. Something which you couldn’t understand to save your life.

Meanwhile, Steve let you talk about almost anything that you needed to. If it was your mom or Barb or your garden, he would just go along with it. You weren’t totally sure why, but you appreciated it regardless. Besides, it looked like all he had was some middle school kid as a friend outside of yourself. Maybe he just listened to you because he was out of options otherwise.

Steve had a little bit of a smile on his face as you got into his car with your lunch. It was hard to say that he talked to many other people outside of you and Dustin, but it wasn’t because he was worried about being alone. Well, he  _ was _ worried about that, but he also liked talking to you.

Besides, someone had to hear you talk about the way you felt. He didn’t want you to go through the same cycle of emotions as a year ago. That meant making sure you weren’t lonely. It was easier to talk to you about most things now that he wasn't keeping Barb’s death from you. Truly, it was amazing how easy it was to talk to you when he didn’t have to keep track of something so huge.

Sure, that meant he couldn't talk about everything he went through, but that was a small price to pay in his opinion. It was worth it to see that you were doing some sort of okay. Not that he thought you were in the best possible place, but it was better than a year ago. Though, he didn’t think that was hard to manage.

Christmas was starting to come around again and Steve kept talking about taking his middle school friend to the Snow Ball. That was a far less depressing topic than things the two of you talked about in the past. If anything, it was cute to think that Steve had some kid as a friend.

“He really looks up to you, doesn’t he?” you asked before eating another spoonful of pudding.

Steve shrugged, “I guess you could say that. I mean, he thinks my hair is kind of cool, you know?”

“Well, he’s got a point,” you said with a bit of a laugh.

It was odd moments like those where you would both just look at each other and then away that made you wonder if you were starting to get feelings for Steve once more. You really thought you got over it after the funeral. That Steve was just going to be a friend and you were going to likely put off dating until you got into college.

A part of you couldn’t help but wonder if you were starting to feel something for Steve again. Sure, you talked to other people, but something about talking to Steve was totally different. He never seemed to judge you for saying anything that you thought was kind of dumb.

Not to mention, you couldn’t really see yourself with anyone else. Not that it mattered all that much. Of course you could see yourself with Steve, you had been with him before. That made sense to you.

Though, in a moment where you both just barely avoided each other’s gazes in Steve’s BMW, you couldn’t help but wonder.

When your friends asked if there was anyone you were interested in, you simply said no. It was kind of a lie, but you weren’t even sure you were actually interested in Steve or just overthinking things. He had only been dumped by Nancy just over a month ago. They had been together for over a year before that.

Why in the world would he go after his own ex anyway? That made no sense. No matter what he mentioned all the way back on Halloween. Never mind the fact that it was almost Christmas again. You couldn’t just jump to conclusions like that.

Then again, he was also the one to kiss you that night. Sure, he had a concussion, but wouldn’t that have meant that he had some type of feelings for you? It wasn’t important, and you had to keep those thoughts out of your head.

For every moment you tried to tell yourself to just not say anything and to not think anything of what was going on, you had two more that told you to just find out. The worst he could say was no, right?

Except, Steve saying no almost felt like a death sentence. Not that you were about to say that aloud. That was far too dramatic. Steve was just your ex-boyfriend and no one even knew that. At this point, he wouldn’t have cared who knew, but it didn’t feel necessary to tell anyone. The initial relationship didn’t hurt anymore. Perhaps because you couldn’t help but wonder if there would be more to come.

Steve offered to stop by after he dropped off Dustin at the Snow Ball to help you bake and wrap some presents. Your mom was off with your stepdad on another business trip and left you so much to get done for the holidays. Tommy didn’t have to do anything. Not that you wanted his help.

It wasn’t supposed to be anything too crazy. Except, that you knew today was going to be the day you told Steve. You would tell him you had feelings for him again. How you would manage to do that? Now that was another question entirely.

You had gone back and forth on how to tell Steve. When to tell him as well. If he harshly rejected you, you didn’t want to be left alone, in tears, with a ton of decorating to do. Then if he kind of rejected you, then you didn’t want to do all those holiday activities with an air of awkwardness. If things went great, then there wouldn’t be anything to worry about.

There was an internal monologue of rehearsing what in the world you were even going to say to begin with. How would you word it? Would you make it some big, huge speech? Or would you just say a couple words? The thought made your stomach tie into knots as you swept the floor of the kitchen. 

The kitchen needed cleaning if you were going to bake, but you also wanted the house to look nice if that was where you ended up telling him. You lit a candle in an attempt to make the place smell nice as well. If your heart started beating any faster, you were certain that you were going to go into cardiac arrest.

Steve probably wasn’t anywhere near your house to begin with, but that didn’t curb your nerves at all. How in the world were you going to even speak to Steve at this rate? This shouldn’t have made you so nervous. If he said no then it wasn’t a huge deal, right?

It wasn’t like you planned to ever be with him again. Whatever happened was how it was going to go. You had made it through every single awful thing that had happened in your life. If there was anything else you could get through, it was definitely some guy potentially rejecting you.

Besides, there wasn’t anything that said he couldn't say yes. That he wouldn’t dip you down and kiss you in the middle of the kitchen. It could happen. Even if that did feel just a bit too good to be true.

The doorbell rang once, then over and over again. You let out a shaky breath and rushed to the front door, almost tripping over your own feet on the way there. Once you got to the door, you opened it to see Steve in a maroon sweater.

“Hey, uh, come on in,” you said, stepping aside to let him in the house.

All you could feel was how hard and fast your heart was beating as Steve walked in the house and made his way into the kitchen. The radio was on and played some different Christmas songs as it had been doing since November first for whatever reason.

Both of you went ahead and got to work on the baking, not saying much outside of small talk. There were a couple of inside jokes, but all the words simply went right through you. The thought of telling Steve how you felt and truly putting yourself in such a vulnerable spot made you sick.

Though, as you both got more in sync with cutting cookie dough and wrapping a few boxes, you felt a bit more in your element. This would be fine and you could just tell him how you felt as he was leaving. It would be the perfect way to do it. At least, it let you delay what was going to happen for just a little while longer.

A batch of gingerbread cookies baked in the oven and you leaned against the counter. The song on the radio changed to some slow Christmas song that you weren’t too focused on. Though, you quickly became more focused when Steve took your hand in his and pulled you close.

He held your hand with one hand and your waist with the other. You both swayed to the music. Though, you were a bit more stiff than he was.

“You don’t dance much, do you?” he asked.

You shook your head, “Not really, never had a date to any school dances. No one ever asked me, you know?”

“Yeah… yeah, I know. And I’m really sorry about that,” he said, “I should've asked you to something. Or at least for one dance.”

You shrugged a bit, “Nancy would’ve been really confused about that, though. I think we both knew that.”

“Screw what Nancy thinks about it. I was stupid for not giving you a moment like that,” he said.

It was quiet outside of the song playing and he moved you right into a dip. He looked at you for a moment and your eyes met his deep brown ones. In that moment, you thought for sure he was going to close the space between the both of you. That was the only thing that made sense.

The oven beeped and Steve almost dropped you. He helped you right back up and you went to check on the cookies. They were ready and you pulled them out.

Steve looked at the clock on the stovetop and his eyes widened a bit, “Shit, I gotta go pick up Dustin. Sorry about that.”

“No, don’t be. It was fun, thanks for helping,” you said as you followed him right to your front doorstep.

You felt like you were going to throw up and your heart felt like it rised up to your throat somehow. It was a wonder how Steve didn’t hear your heart beating out of its chest.

“Hey, Steve?”

“Uh, yeah?”

You took a deep breath, “I- I still have feelings for you.”

“Oh,” Steve paused, “I mean, I was starting to wonder, but um… what did you want to do?”

“Well, I’d like to try things again, see how they go, you know?” you said, starting to feel some of the knots in your stomach untie themselves.

At least you were going to get an answer. Something that you couldn’t help but think was going to be a good one.

Steve nodded slowly, “Alright, yeah… um, do you mind if I take a bit to think about it?”

“O- of course, yeah, sure, go for it,” you replied, looking at him.

“Alright, I- I’ll let you know.”

Steve walked away and you stood at your doorway, staring at the night sky. It wasn’t an exact answer, but it was better than a resounding no. And maybe he was going to say yes. He just needed a moment because he probably didn’t expect you to say anything and he had to go pick up Dustin.

It was supposed to be a simple yes or no question and Steve couldn’t even manage that. Though, in all fairness, he really was torn up on what to say. On one end, it made sense to go back to you. On the other, he couldn’t help but still feel hurt about everything with Nancy. Not to mention all the things that he couldn’t tell you about.

Could he ever hope to have an honest relationship if he couldn’t tell you about so many things that happened to him? That wasn’t fair to you. You deserved to know everything and to be let in on everything. That was something that he knew for a fact. You were too good to deserve him avoiding a whole slew of topics just so the government wouldn’t get on his case.

All the same, he still couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to actually be with you again. It was something that he knew he wanted deep down, but he wasn’t sure that he deserved that. You certainly deserved better too. He just wasn’t sure how to get out all his thoughts in his head. So he had to make you wait.

In hindsight, you wished that you had made him give you a straight answer right then and there. If it had been a no, he could leave and you could simply go to your room and listen to Fleetwood Mac while you cried your eyes out. Had it been a yes, well, you weren’t sure what would have happened. You really only prepared for the worst case scenario.

That was obvious as you were now sitting in your house, unsure of what was going to happen next. You didn’t even know who to tell. If things went wrong, you didn’t want half the school to say rude things about Steve. It wasn’t exactly his fault if he just didn’t like you.

On the other hand, if he knew how he felt then it only made sense to tell you. There was no reason to string you along. Especially when you knew that he had a tendency to flirt with other girls in different classes. Maybe not on purpose, but it still happened. That was part of the reason you said something in the first place. If you didn’t do it now, then he could end up seeing Allie from math class and then where would you be?

What was even worse was not having school in session to give you some kind of distraction. There were still a few flower plants that were doing alright in your garden. Though, it was the dead of winter so you had them inside completely. It wasn’t like you could spend hours and hours watering and talking to plants in your own house. Everyone would probably think that you were a nutjob and you knew that by this point.

Though, you almost didn’t care if people claimed you were crazy. It wasn’t like people hadn’t been saying that before.

The next morning, you stayed in your room right from the start just in case the phone rang. Surely it couldn’t take  _ that _ long to tell you an answer to a simple question. Either you guys were getting together or you weren’t. At that point you firmly believed that you were ready for either answer.

At least, that was what you told yourself as you felt your heartbeat quicken. Steve had to have known what he was doing. Well, you hoped that he did at any rate. Otherwise he was a complete idiot. Which, at the same time wouldn’t have surprised you so much in that moment either.

A loud ringing cut through your thoughts and you practically jumped on the phone to answer it. If it wasn't Steve, you were probably going to go crazy.

“Hello?” you crossed your fingers.

“Hey, Y/N?” Steve’s voice came through the other end.

You could have sworn you almost died when you heard his voice, “So, um-”

“I have an answer,” Steve said, “I just, uh, I don’t wanna be one of those assholes that has this conversation over the phone.”

You nodded slowly even though he couldn’t see you, “Okay, um, then what did you have in mind?”

“Can I just pick you up in maybe half an hour?”

“Sure!”

It was easily one of the longest half hours of your life. You fidgeted with every loose thread on your shirt, you paced around the room, there wasn’t a single thing you didn’t do in a futile attempt to distract yourself. Sure, you could have done some of your English reading for winter break, but you never would have got anywhere on that.

When it was almost a half hour later, you paced around the entrance hall. Tommy was up in his room, so you didn’t worry about him coming down. Even if he did, it wasn’t like anything would happen. There was no reason for Tommy to care about who Steve was around anymore. Especially if it was just you.

The moment that you heard the doorbell ring, you went right up to the door. Steve was right there and you gave a nervous smile before getting out of the house and following him to his car. If this went well, then you’d really have a boyfriend right around Christmas. Not that the timing of everything was the reason you said anything. You just couldn’t bring yourself to wait on an answer any longer.

You sat in the passenger seat of Steve’s car and you felt some sort of sense of calm. At least, you didn’t feel like your heart was beating out of your chest. Surely that had to count for something. Maybe it would be a good answer.

There was the smallest bit of small talk that neither of you wanted to go through. The only reason Steve went along with it for about a minute was because he didn’t want to jump into anything too serious the moment he pulled out of your driveway. He wasn’t even sure where he was going at this point. Was there really much to be said?

“Hey, I’m just gonna get to the point, okay?” he said.

You nodded and looked over at him as he focused mostly on the road in front of him.

“I- I can’t give you what you want, what you deserve. I just… I can’t do anything serious right now. And I know people think that the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing is bullshit, but,” he took a deep breath, “It’s really me and I’m sorry. I need to focus on myself. You know, getting over Nancy and being a better person.”

“Oh,” you murmured and nodded slowly, “Y- yeah, of course, that’s fine. I totally get it.”

Except you kind of didn’t understand where Steve was coming from in the first place. He was already a better person as far as you could tell. If he didn’t want anything to do with anyone, that was fine. But if you were the problem then you just wanted him to be honest about that, no matter how much it would probably hurt.

Steve kept rambling on, trying to explain himself a bit more. Though, he never said everything he actually thought. That you would be someone who could help make him happy and he didn’t deserve that. Not after everything he did to you and not after everything he went through in the first place. You deserved so much more than what he could give you. Maybe if he had been the same person when he first got together with you, it all would have been different.

You only half-listened to most of his reasons. If he felt so bad about rejecting you then why wouldn’t he just humor you with  _ somethin _ g _?  _ Didn’t you deserve to have something that made you happy after all this time?

Besides, if he changed his mind down the line, that person he ended up with wouldn’t even know him all that well. Not the way that you did. Where would he get someone who wanted to know him? You didn’t say it, but you didn’t think there was anyone else around that actually wanted to be with him and be there for him the way you did. Maybe there really was someone else. Who were you to stand in his way?

Deep down you knew those thoughts weren’t going to help anyone. They would have been awful to say out loud. You just knew that you needed some time to yourself.

“Um, can you just take me home? I just remembered I had to finish off some Christmas cards,” you said, using the first excuse that popped in your head.

The silence was so tense between the both of you that you took turns laughing. You wanted to kick yourself for not getting angry or saying  _ something _ . Except, you couldn’t really get mad at him for not being interested in you. Even if you really felt like the signs were there. What did you really know about guys anyway?

He pulled up to your house and you opened the car door to get out. Right before you closed the door, you looked back in the car.

“Hey, um, I think I’m gonna need some space. So, like, maybe if you could just leave me alone for a bit, um, that would be good. Sorry,” you said and shut the door before Steve could get another word in.

Not that he had anything to say. All he could do was watch as you walked inside your house.


	13. i'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Steve makes the mistake of a drunk phone call, things take a new direction and you finally find yourself able to process your situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mind me, just doing some more projecting over here <3 enjoy!

Christmas and the new year came and went without much of a fuss. Something you ended up appreciating. The more low-key and less dramatic things were, the better. You truly thought that you would have missed having Barb around now more than ever, but nothing was ever going to beat that first Christmas.

You still missed her, of course, but the holidays felt the slightest bit more manageable. Maybe it was because you weren’t alone this time around.

Despite how odd it felt at first, staying friends with Steve wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Both of you tried to simply carry on like nothing happened. It wasn’t all that hard to accomplish either. It helped that Steve hadn’t said anything stupid that time around. If anyone said anything stupid, it was you. Except, Steve realized he set himself up for that one.

If anything, he was kind of relieved you didn’t hold it against him. Once winter break was over, you still talked to him. It was a hard choice to make at the time, and he questioned it every day, but he didn’t say anything. He knew it wouldn’t make sense to go back and forth, so he just had to stick to something.

That went rather well until February came along. Valentine’s day wasn’t a massive deal at school, but couples did buy gifts for each other. Steve noticed the things Nancy and Jonathan gave each other and he couldn’t help but wonder what today would have been like had he decided to just be with you.

Though, if anything had to be the nail in the coffin for him, it was when he broke into his parents’ liquor cabinet to try and take the edge of the night off. He didn’t have a whole lot of impulse control when no one else was around him. Especially on a night when he was so in his head.

While you knew what day it was, you didn’t mind all that much. Instead, you sat at your desk getting some homework done. Though, you also got a bit distracted by what played on the radio, so you took a bit longer than normal to finish anything.

You were almost done with the last question on your biology homework when the phone started ringing. A part of you almost didn’t answer from how close you were to finishing up.

Still, the distraction stared you right in the face and you couldn’t help but pick up the phone. It was probably just a telemarketer anyway.

“Y/N?”

“Steve?” you asked, fidgeting with the cord.

Steve cleared his throat a little, “Are you doing anything right now?”

“Uh, homework? Why, is something up?”

“Nah, no, I just… I just thought I’d call and see what you were up to.”

You let out a sigh, “Are you drunk or something?”

“Or something.”

You rolled your eyes and laughed a bit, “Did you have something you wanted to say?”

“Yeah, yeah I did- I just wanted you to know I still think you’re gorgeous and I wanna kiss you again.”

“Oh?” you felt your hands begin to get clammy and it felt like your heart was pounding in your head.

“I can’t do something serious now, but if you wanted something casual, we could try it,” he offered.

A part of you was tempted to say you were going to think about it and then hold Steve to everything he said the next morning. Except, you already knew what your answer was. Sure, it wouldn’t be anything serious, but since when were you guys ever all that serious to begin with? Maybe this time it would be different in the long run.

That was a dumb idea and deep down, you knew that. At the same time, though? You really couldn’t care less. Even if it was just something that was at a surface-level, you wanted to be able to be with Steve for once. Something close that wasn’t quite hidden from everyone the way it once had been. That was what you seriously wanted to do. What was the harm in trying something?

You shrugged, “You know what, why not?”

“Cool, I’ll be right over-”  
“No, you’re gonna stay home and deal with being drunk. I’m gonna finish up my homework. What about after school tomorrow?”

“Oh, okay. Goodnight,” he said before hanging up the phone.

That left you with a lot more than just your last homework problem to think about.

At lunch the next day, Steve looked a bit hungover despite his best efforts to hide it. Though, none of the teachers said anything. Probably because they wouldn’t catch it. You wouldn’t have either had you not talked to him the night before.

You sat next to him at the lunch table, “So… how much did you drink last night?”

“Shit… I actually called you,” he said and rubbed his face with his hands.

You nodded, “Yep, you definitely did. Um… do you remember what you said at all?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Are you still interested in that?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know, I don’t wanna make things awkward between us.”

“Then we just don’t make it awkward, okay? We’ve been through way worse than whatever could come from this,” you pointed out, “Besides, if we’re both into each other, why should we drag our feet about it?”

Steve sighed, “Okay, yeah. You’re right about that I guess. So do you still want me to take you to my place after school?”

“Sure.”

That conversation made you sound a hell of a lot more confident than you felt. A part of you still wasn’t sure if this was the right way to go about everything. Except, what choice did you really have? You could have said no, but you didn’t want to. It was worth a shot.

Deep down, you knew that the main reason you still said yes was because you thought there was a chance that what you and Steve would have could grow into something more. It was a stupid thought and it was more likely to get you hurt over anything else. You ignored that thought.

It had been so easy and logical to say yes to Steve in the first place, but as classes continued, you couldn’t help but think about it more. Was this a mistake? There were a lot of ways that this could go south. All those ways circled your mind as you tried to get through your school work.

You could get hurt just as badly as before. Except, that was always a risk even with telling Steve how you felt to begin with. It didn’t stop you before. And maybe you also just missed Steve in that way too. Was it such a crime to want to make out in his car again?

Sure, you could get hurt, but if you didn’t try then you never would know. And it wasn’t like you had anyone lined up. Steve never had anyone else in mind, that was obvious. At least you knew you wouldn’t be competing for his attention. You weren’t going to do that to yourself again as long as you could help it.

Once the final bell rang out, you got your things together and headed out of the school to your bike. There was a chance Steve could still stop this all before it even began. He really played around with that idea. It would have been a dick move, but he wasn’t sure why you even agreed to this.

Instead, he helped you get your bike in his car and you got in the passenger seat. The music on the radio kept either of you from saying a whole lot to each other. It was mostly about school and from that alone, you could tell that Steve was a bit nervous about this too. When you thought about it, it had been a while since Steve had been with someone. Not nearly as long as you, but it had been a while and he was probably starting to notice that.

“So, um, how do you wanna do this?” you asked as he pulled up to his house.

It was the perfect place to do something like this. Steve’s parents were never home and he didn’t have any siblings he had to worry about barging in. No one at school paid attention to either of you either, so the odds were solid that no one even knew you went over to his place. Not that it mattered either way. This wasn’t something secret. At least, you didn’t think so.

Steve shrugged before he got out of the car, “Whatever you wanna do. I don’t wanna be that asshole that pushes you too far.”

“Oh, okay. Um, well, I’m alright with anything. I mean, it wouldn’t be anything we haven’t done already,” you pointed out.

Steve nodded with a slight laugh, “You got me there.”

The two of you went right up to his bedroom and you plopped right down on the edge of his bed. Steve sat next to you, though there was a bit of space between you and him. It was almost like you were starting from scratch all over again. 

You were the first one to start laughing from the odd tension. Steve was quick to join in as well. Who was he kidding? He knew what he was doing and he knew what you liked. This wasn’t anything too serious. That meant he wouldn’t have to tell you about anything that happened to him. He didn’t have to open up, he just had to be with you. Which was what he wanted.

“You know what? I’m just gonna go for it,” he said, looking at you.

With that, Steve leaned in and pressed his lips to yours and pulled you close. You were quick to kiss him back and the tension you felt moments ago went away entirely. It made you wonder what in the world you had been so nervous about.

Kissing Steve felt exactly the way you remembered. It felt  _ right _ too and that’s what kept you there. You two fell into such a casual rhythm, both of you piping up with stupid comments and having the same banter you remembered from almost two years ago.

In a way, you got exactly what you wanted. To be with Steve again. No, it wasn’t the holding hands in the hallway and him sweeping you off your feet at every turn. It wasn’t romantic like that. Though, if you thought it through for a little bit, you could convince yourself that it was enough. Most of the school didn’t even know what your deal was. That was fine by you. People didn’t need to know that you were hooking up with Steve again.

On a sleepless Saturday night, Steve held you close in your bedroom. You were both covered up by a coral colored blanket. He couldn’t sleep and neither could you. Maybe he would stay or maybe he would hop out of your room and head back to his own place. It was beyond you what Steve was trying to do most of the time. All he wanted that night was to hold you close. Not much else.

“Hey, what if we went to prom together?” Steve asked.

You turned over to look at him, “Are you being serious right now?”

“Uh, yeah. I really feel bad for never taking you to a dance and this is my last prom. There isn’t anyone else I’d wanna go with.”

“And you’re not worried about being the laughingstock because you’ll show up with me?” you asked, propping your head up with your hand.

“That depends, are you gonna wear a clown costume or something?”

“Of course, that’s  _ exactly _ what I had planned to wear to prom if I ever got asked. I’ve got so many clown suits hanging in my closet it’s not even funny,” you said before laughing.

“I’m not embarrassed to go somewhere with you. It’ll be fun, just us going as friends.”

The idea of going to prom with Steve as friends alone wasn’t the best case scenario, but this whole arrangement lasted a lot longer than you guessed it would have. Prom was a couple weeks away and whatever you two had, it was working.

Prom was inherently romantic in your opinion. How couldn’t it be? All the fancy dresses, the lights, the dancing. It all screamed and bled romance like nothing else. If there would ever be a night that Steve decided to make things serious, it would be that night.

You knew that you couldn’t get your hopes up too much, but it was impossible not to. He didn’t even try to take you to homecoming when you were still just barely together. It was a good sign. Worst case scenario, you didn’t get what you wanted. That was something you got kind of used to by this point.

At least if things didn’t work out, it wouldn't be because of some other girl he liked. You wanted things to work, but as long as it wasn’t a repeat of your breakup, then you could probably make peace with it.

Steve didn’t have as much time to hang out with you as he had in the last few months. While it didn’t look like he had a whole lot going on after high school, he needed to make sure that he graduated. It left you with enough time to pick out a prom dress. Something you went ahead and got with your mom.

The dress was perfect and the color made you look amazing. That had to at least help with a good night. You tried to keep telling yourself that it would work out. If it didn’t, you tried to keep in the back of your mind that it would be okay.

Though, you weren’t sure how much longer you could keep convincing yourself that this set-up was the perfect solution.

Prom night arrived all too quickly, and you couldn’t help but feel knots in your stomach when Steve showed up. Tommy was leaving with Carol at the time. There was some tension, but with both you and your mom there, Tommy didn’t do anything. Instead, you mom took some pictures and you went on your way.

When you got to the school, it was decorated rather nicely. There were streamers and all sorts of decorations to fit with the “Night Under the Stars” theme. It was a cliche, but it looked lovely regardless. If there was ever a perfect place for you and Steve to have a nice night, this had to be it.

Neither of you were the best dancers in the world, but you knew Steve too well to be nervous about looking like an idiot as you danced with him. At least you could always claim that your shoes were just a bit uncomfortable and you couldn’t move around properly. In all fairness, you were pretty sure that if you had to spend another couple hours in the shoes you picked out, you wouldn’t be able to move around all that much anyhow.

For all intents and purposes, you had a nice time. You both danced around and talked. It made you realize that you weren’t missing out on a whole lot in terms of experiences. Obviously it was nice to have someone to dance with, but it wasn’t a thrilling and romantic night as you had hoped it would have been.

It was as you slow danced with Steve that you realized this was never going to work the way you wanted it to. That it wasn’t fair to Steve or yourself to keep holding onto this in the hopes that he would change his mind. It had been months and he hadn’t. You had no one but yourself to blame for those expectations.

Perhaps the most surprising part of all this was the lack of pain you felt upon your realization. Instead, there was a resonating acceptance. You got to be with Steve again in some sort of way and you would have been lying if you said you didn’t get some kind of enjoyment out of it.

If you had truly hated the way things had been, you wouldn’t have kept this going for so long.

Instead of trying so hard to make Steve have genuine feelings and fall in love with you, you just tried to have a nice night. It wasn’t entirely his fault that it all turned out this way. If anything, it was more on you for ever thinking that you could get him to change his mind in the first place. You never thought you would have seen Steve so set in a decision.

After a lot more dancing and joking around, Steve ended up having to carry you back to his car. Your feet hurt and felt like they had to have been covered in blisters from your shoes. Though, you couldn’t help but take one last glance at the disco ball in the middle of the gym that reflected the light everywhere.

You got into Steve’s car and let out a sigh, “This isn’t going to go anywhere, is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Us. We’re never gonna be something serious, are we?”

Steve stared at his steering wheel and frowned, “Um, no, I don’t think so.”

There was a pregnant pause and Steve waited for you to say something that was meant to hurt him. Those words never came, almost making him wish he could properly explain everything to you.

“I’m really sorry, Y/N, you know, if I made you think that was going to happen or if I said or did something. I thought you liked this and-”

“It’s okay,” you said, reaching over and taking his hand, “Seriously, it’s okay. I thought that I could do something like this, but I don’t think I can keep doing this if we’re not  _ seriously _ together. And you know what? I’m not nearly as torn up about this as I thought I would be.”

He nodded, “Is this your way of saying you just wanna be friends?”

“Yeah, you know what? I think it is. And don’t get me wrong, the last few months have been great, but…”

“But you deserve better than what I’m giving you,” Steve finished, “I get it. You do what makes you happy.”

You smiled a bit, “Thanks, and for the record, tonight was fun. I had a really nice night.”

“Yeah? I had a good time too,” he said before turning the keys of his car to get it started, “Let’s get you home.”


	14. i didn't know if you'd care if i came back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The summer of ‘85 takes a turn for the worst when Steve helps investigate a Russian Base within the mall. Though, it does leave him realizing a thing or two about his own feelings.

The only major thing left in Steve’s high school career after prom was graduation. Somehow, he managed to get through it. If he was being honest, he firmly believed that you were the main reason he got through that last month of school. You would have insisted that he was the one who pulled it off. If anything, you were just the person who helped him get ready for his finals.

No, he wasn’t going off to college like Tommy was, but he made it out of high school. Steve wasn’t sure what he would have done if he flunked. At least he didn’t have to wonder about that anymore. Instead, he had to get on with the rest of his life. Whatever that was supposed to entail

College was out of the question for the next year. He got a job at Scoops Ahoy in the new mall, but after even the first day of slinging ice cream, he knew that he wanted nothing to do with that. It was advantageous to the kids since they used his position to get to the movies for free, but it didn’t have much for him. Not unless he moved up, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be anything more than where he was at. Otherwise, that kind of implied he was going to be stuck there for a long time.

There were two pastimes that Steve didn’t mind so much. One was flirting with girls so Robin could have some kind of entertainment, and the other was talking to you whenever you showed up to the mall. Funnily enough, that was rather often.

You didn’t get a summer job, and that meant you spent most of the season bored. All you could do was either garden or go to the mall. Especially since Steve was working so often. Though, you were sure it would feel like a normal amount once you were busy with school for most of the day again.

For reasons you couldn’t quite explain, you knew that you were glad that Steve was going to be in Hawkins for just a while longer. It meant you didn’t lose your closest friend. Though, Robin would regularly tease the two of you whenever you stuck around to chat. It was nice getting to hang out with her too.

While there was still a glimmer of what you once felt for Steve two years ago, you were content with the way things were. You liked hanging out with Steve after he got done with work. Nothing was ever going to happen and you finally made peace with that. If anything, you dared Steve to ask out and flirt with his customers. Mostly because he always struck out and it was hilarious.

There was still a part of you that wanted Steve to say things like that to you again, but maybe it was for the best that nothing happened. The friendship you both had was so good.

One summer afternoon you found yourself in Scoops Ahoy and Steve was at the counter like he normally was. He always gave you a discount if he didn’t just let you take the ice cream. 

“Hey, I’m gonna have to raincheck on hanging out tonight,” he said as you stood at the counter, “My parents are having some family over and they wanted to see me since they didn’t make it to my graduation.”

You frowned a bit and then nodded, “Okay, well, then you have fun with that. Oh! Speaking of family shit, there’s gonna be a Fourth of July party at my house. Would you wanna come?”

“Depends on if we sneak off to go to that carnival,” Steve replied.

You grinned, “Obviously, I need a buddy to sneak off with, though, so what do you say?”

“I’ll be there,” he said.

Steve hated lying to you and what he hated even more was how easily it slipped out of his mouth. Once again, there was something he just couldn’t tell you. Even though you were probably someone who would want to help with sneaking into a Russian Base, he knew Dustin would have a cow if anyone else knew what was going on. Regardless of the fact that Steve knew he could trust you with his life.

Though, it wasn’t like getting into the base would be anything that could possibly take the literal days before the fourth. You’d never know what happened and it would be fine. He really wished he could tell you everything, though.

Having Robin right there with him as they snuck into the storage space with the kids was nice, but he really couldn’t help but imagine that you were there with him. It was an emotion that was only multiplied at the realization he was far too deep into this ordeal.

Getting stuck at the bottom of a Russian elevator with no hope of getting back up wasn’t something he put into the equation. Though, a part of him was glad he didn’t tell you anything because the less people having to experience this, the better. And maybe he would tell you about it this time around. This whole thing with the Russians wasn’t like everything else with the government. He could talk to you about this. Although, he was sure that you would have a hard time believing him.

Still, he knew that thinking about telling you all this stuff was more and more of a stretch in the first place. Mainly because that involved getting out of the elevator without dying. If some Russians spotted them, he knew for a fact that they were done for.

That night in the elevator was easily one of the worst nights ever. The only relief was that Robin was there to try and talk with him about the situation. A situation that had no solution.

“Do you think we could end up getting ourselves killed?” Robin asked in a low voice just in case Dustin or Erica happened to be awake.

Steve shook his head, “Nah, we’ll get out of this. It’ll be okay.”

Though, now that Robin mentioned it, the more he couldn’t help but wish that he told you everything. How he truly felt about you and what happened to him in all that time. You deserved to know.

Then he realized another reason as to why he had to get out of this okay. If he died, you wouldn’t have anyone who you were nearly as close to. No, you wouldn’t be as isolated as you had been after Barb died, but he knew it would hurt you. He  _ knew  _ what you were like when you lost someone you were so close to. And worse, if everyone just said he disappeared? You would go looking and you would probably never stop.

He had to get out at any cost. If not for himself and the kids and Robin, then for you at the very least. Not even to tell you everything in his head, but just so you wouldn’t have to be alone. So you could have someone to go to that silly carnival with. There wasn’t any other option.

The main priority was to stick together and find a key to get out and use the elevator. Then, they were home free and could do whatever they decided to do. Maybe telling someone like Hopper was a good place to start, but he didn’t want to get ahead of himself. Getting out was the goal.

For the first bit of it, Steve had a cautious optimism about the whole situation. They didn’t get caught in the elevator. If they could just keep up that same trajectory, surely they would be able to get out. Then, they would be home free and there would be nothing to worry about. He would feel silly for even thinking that it was possible he wouldn’t make it out. It  _ was _ silly. After everything he had been through already, this was almost nothing.

While a Russian Base as a concept was petrifyingly scary, it wasn’t anywhere near as awful as those tunnels. The base was going to be filled with people, and while they could cause a lot of harm, it wasn’t nearly as much of a death sentence as a hoard of man-eating monsters. Besides, if worse came to worse, he just wouldn’t lose the next fight he got stuck in the middle of.

Steve wasn’t sure how well sneaking around would continue to work as they got closer to where all the Russians were. The only Russian any of them knew was what was on that code, but if someone asked him to repeat it, he wouldn’t have been able to.

Still, they made it all the way in what had to be the comms room. Or something like that, Steve wasn’t sure what any of the rooms in this place could be called. Not that it mattered because they were all face-to-face with a Russian. He couldn't figure out who was more surprised to see who. Probably the Russian who was starting to pull out his gun.

Well, he promised himself he would win the next fight he was in. So naturally, Steve started off by screaming at the guy. Then, he just went for it. His heartbeat was through the roof and he hardly recognized just what he was doing as he punched the guy and tackled him. He barely realized he smacked the guy with the phone until Dustin’s voice kicked in.

“Dude, you just won a fight!” Dustin exclaimed.

They needed that key, but Robin seemed to be focused on something at the top of a staircase. Steve and Dustin went up to see what was there. He felt his heart sink to his stomach when he realized just what they were looking at.

Both of them specifically agreed that it couldn’t be this again. Yet there it was staring them in the face. Why in the world would the Russians want anything to do with the Upside Down? It was only going to get everyone killed. Now they had more of a problem on their hands than ever before.

He had to tell you, though. That was the important thing. The last thing he wanted to do was continue lying to you for the rest of his life. Though, that would have to wait as Erica noted that the Russian had left the room.

Almost on cue, more Russians came in. This wasn’t a fight he was going to be able to win. Not when all he had was himself. He wished that he had thought to bring his stupid bat. Instead, he thought fast and moved to get the kids in front of him. If anyone needed to get out, it was them.

As for Robin and himself? Well, he wasn’t too sure about getting out now.

It wasn’t that Steve gave up all hope, but he knew that he couldn’t count on anyone saving him as soon as he got taken by the Russians. All he had with him was Robin, though he supposed being alone would have been worse. He was pretty glad he didn’t tell you about any of this, though.

That was the only thing that kept him sane as he was punched across the face by one of the Russians. It didn’t matter what he said. He told a half-truth. Sure, he sort of knew what he was getting himself into, but he wasn’t involved with the US government. If he were, then he probably would’ve gone about this in a smarter way. Probably.

All that mattered to him was that Robin was okay. As long as there was no mention of Dustin and Erica, he was sure that was a good sign. Robin was still very much alive. There had to be some way to ensure they got out, but Steve had no idea.

Sure, the implied plan was for the kids to get out and get help, but he wasn’t sure how that was going to work. Although, it didn’t take long for any feelings of concern to subside. Whatever drugs the Russians had up their sleeves were, he couldn’t deny just how great they felt. It was just like the times he did weed with Tommy, only it was better.

Everything went by in such a blur that Steve could hardly describe what was going on. Hell, he barely registered what he was saying by the time Dustin burst into the room. If Steve thought everything was strange before, he knew that he was about to eat his words as he was swung through the whole base.

He couldn’t remember a whole lot before the high came crashing down around him and he was vomiting in the bathroom of the movie theater. At least, that was where he was pretty sure he was.

The only reassuring thing was that he wasn’t the only one puking his guts out. There was something nice about having an actual friend next to him as all this happened. Not that you weren’t his friend, but it was  _ different _ .

“Have you ever been in love before?” Robin asked.

While the question took him by surprise, what caught him even more off guard was when he talked about Nancy. And sure, he had loved her at one time, but he was starting to realize that he had been in love more than once before.

“Wait, you don’t love me, do you?” he asked.

Robin was silent until Steve slid under the stall to see her. It seemed like she was almost in a different place entirely.

She shook her head, starting to explain that she was never in love with him. Instead, when she claimed to be obsessed with him it was because he had been the object of Tammy Thompson’s affections. Someone Robin had hoped to win over somehow.

Suddenly everything made a lot more sense and he almost felt a wave of relief. Even if learning the truth about Robin was a bit surprising. So he did what he did best, made light of everything with Tammy Thompson. Which only reminded him of the girl he actually wanted to be with.

He felt his face fall, “Shit! I was supposed to go to Y/N’s party!”

“What? Steve, it’s just a party-”

“But she doesn’t wanna be there, we were supposed to go to the carnival together. And I- I don't wanna leave her alone there.”

Robin nodded slowly, “I think I was supposed to be there with the marching band… wait, Steve?”

“Hm?”

“Are you sure you don’t love Y/N?”

Steve shook his head, “What? No, o- of course not! Even if I did, I’ve screwed it up so many times there’s no way she would ever be able to love me back and I know that.”

Maybe he did love you.

“The worst she can do is say no,” Robin pointed out.

He laughed, “Nah, she’d tell me to go fuck myself and I wouldn’t blame her.”

“You didn’t just get out of a Russian Base to not take a chance with Y/N. Come on, there’s no way she comes by almost every day just because she likes the ice cream. There’s gotta be  _ something _ there.”

Dustin barged into the room and Steve couldn’t quite comprehend what the kid was saying. What he could comprehend was that he needed to finish this and quickly if he was going to get to your party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, I'm really excited to publish the final few chapters!!


	15. if you kiss me, will it be just like i dreamed it? will it patch your broken wings?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Battle of Starcourt, Steve decides to throw caution to the wind and say what he has been meaning to say for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is it, my magnum opus. There are two chapters, but this is probably my best writing in my opinion. So I really hope you guys enjoy it!!!

You knew something was up when you went into Scoops and didn’t see Steve. He worked almost every day, but you thought it was something reasonable like him getting sick. It wasn’t exactly your business or your problem, but you called him regardless. No one picked up.

There were two parts of you going in totally different directions. One part of you thought something bad happened that made it so Steve couldn’t answer the phone. That he was in trouble. The other part of you thought there was something you had said or done to make it so he wouldn’t pick up. Maybe he didn’t want to go to your party with all those stupid people.

Still, it just didn’t add up no matter how you thought about it.

The hope was that Steve would show up and explain himself. It was seven and you focused on watering your plants. The bluebells and primrose were starting to finally come into their own. You could see the moonflowers were beginning to come around for the evening. It was supposed to be something you were proud of, but you really hoped to show Steve.

People began to show up and you stood around in your greenhouse, keeping an eye out on the off-chance that Steve showed up. It was starting to get dark and you were almost certain that he wasn’t coming.

Had this been a movie, this was the time Steve would show up and make you wonder what in the world you had been so worried about in the first place. He didn’t show up. All of the other stupid people you knew nothing about showed up and you were stuck all on your own.

You went out to give stiff introductions to people, having to help your mom with the party since Steve wasn’t the only person to not show up. Your mom complained about how your step-dad didn’t show up. Apparently they had a fight, but that didn’t mean he should just leave. She also mentioned something about not being able to find most of the cleaners when she tried to tidy up the house.

It was starting to get late and when you were pretty sure your mom had it all together, you went up to your room. The summer night was clear and a bit chilly. You slipped on your cardigan and climbed out of your window and onto the roof, polaroid camera in hand. If any of the fireworks looked cool, you wanted to have it pictured.

Though, as the fireworks going off at the carnival and in different parts of the town caught your eye, you noticed something else entirely. Right where the mall was, you saw a flurry of fireworks that illuminated something you couldn’t describe. It was a huge monster that towered the building.

“What the fuck,” you murmured as you made sure to snap a few photos.

They were probably awful and a part of you wanted to forget what you were staring at. You couldn’t, though. Not as you continued to stare. No one else seemed to see, everyone below you far too preoccupied with each other and the fireworks.

It had to be a joke. Though, you really couldn’t tell anymore. Rain started to pour from the sky and you rushed into your room before you could see how things ended. 

What you did hear were helicopters. You weren’t sure if it was all connected, and you hoped that you were just wrong and insane for equating everything. Considering no one in the town started screaming and running for the hills, you started to guess that it had all been in your head the entire time.

The party was stopped short because of the rain and you let your mom go inside to relax while you took care of cleaning up the yard. It still rained, but you hardly noticed it.

You hardly noticed someone speaking after coming in through the back gate. After all, it was probably midnight or close to it by now. It wasn’t until Steve put a hand on your shoulder that you turned.

“Jeez, you can’t do that!” you exclaimed, looking him over, “Where’ve you been?”

He shrugged, “Had to take a minute to get out of my work uniform, you know? I figured washing my teeth was a good idea too.”

“Washing your… wait, you were just at the mall?”

Steve nodded, “Yeah, work got a bit crazy, but I’m here now. Meant to be here a bit earlier, but… stuff came up. Oh, I brought this for you.”

He pulled a small box out of his pocket, and for a moment you were pretty sure you recognized the Christmas wrapping paper from a long time ago. The gift he meant to give you, but you made him leave before he could.

The rain was still pouring and you could barely make out Steve’s features from how dark it was. Still, if he had been at the mall, you already knew he couldn't be in good shape.

“Come on,” you said, pulling him into the greenhouse.

You pulled a cord to light up the space and your face fell upon seeing how beaten up he was, “You were at work?”

“Uh, yeah… look, can we not talk about that right now? I know it doesn’t look good, trust me, but I- I needed to talk to you and I’m sorry,” he took a deep breath, “I’m sorry for everything. How I treated you almost two years ago and how I kept pushing you away. I was such an idiot for never opening up to you.”

You nodded slowly, “Yep. You were an idiot.”

“Look, I know, trust me, I  _ know _ I’ve messed up. If you want me to go fuck myself, just tell me to and I’ll never come back, but I couldn’t go another minute without telling you that I love you, okay, Y/N? And if it’s too little too late, fine, but I’ve been thinking about this for what feels like forever and I wasn’t sure I was even gonna get to tell you, and if you want me gone, fine, but you should at least take a look at the gift... but uh, yeah. I love you.”

You stood there, staring at him almost as though you were in shock. From how he talked and looked, you believed he really was at the mall. That was undeniable. It was all proof you hadn’t just made something up in your head.

“I- I um, what about Robin? I- um, I thought you were-”

“No, no she’s just a friend, trust me.”

You nodded, “I trust you. A- and for the record, I believe you were at the mall… I- I um… I think I saw something? But that’s not important. Just know, I believe you and whenever you’re ready to tell me what happened, I’m here. I’m  _ always _ gonna be here because I love you too.”

All Steve could do was stand and stare at you which made you laugh a bit. After all this time, you really thought that it would have been yourself to be in shock at all this. Though, you could only manage to feel relief. Not even that Steve loved you, but because he was okay. He had been through whatever you saw at the mall and he was  _ okay _ .

“I’m guessing you came by to get cleaned up too?” you asked, looking over his face.

Steve gave a slight nod, “Maybe, but I mostly came by for you. Just you. Didn’t think I'd get this far, actually.”

It would have made sense for him to have more confidence now that he knew you weren’t going to kick him out, but instead it was like he forgot how to do anything. Though, right as you were about to pull him out of the greenhouse, he wrapped his arms around you and pressed his lips against yours.

You were quick to try and pull him closer, letting him kiss you again. As cheesy as it was, it felt different from any other time you kissed him. It wasn’t as tentative as it was when you were first together nor as heated as when you guys tried something casual. Instead, it simply felt more assured. Whether it was the way Steve held you or how you were once again tentative with making sure to not hurt him, you weren’t sure.

“Meet me in my room,” you said with a smile, taking the present from him.

Steve nodded, “Got it, I’ll just sneak right up there. Like a ninja.”

You laughed and rolled your eyes a bit, “You’re such a dork.”

Steve went to climb up to your room and you went in through the back door. Your mom leaned on the wall, on the phone. That was enough to tell you that your step-dad never showed up at all that night.

“I don’t think he’s coming back tonight,” she said.

You shrugged, “Probably not. You should just get some sleep instead of worrying about it so much, though.”

That was easier said than done, but you also didn’t care where the man was at this point. As time went on, he was worse and worse to your mom and to you as well. It made it pretty easy to figure out where Tommy got his horrendous attitude problem from. 

How Steve tolerated Tommy for so long was beyond you. Had you been able to get a say in everything, you would have had nothing to do with him. Though, if not for him, you probably never would have been around Steve at all. And for all the bumps in the road in that whole time, you knew that things were starting to clear up.

When you got up to your room, first-aid kit and present in hand, Steve had just barely stumbled inside. He looked even worse for wear in the better lighting of your room. 

“Who was it this time?” you asked, despite not being sure if you wanted an answer.

He shrugged, “In my defense, I was a little outnumbered.”

“Steve?”

“Hm?”

“You don't have to tell me tonight, but I’d like you to actually tell me what happened this time. You get the shit beaten out of you about once a year. It made sense the first time, but it was pretty worrying last time and I only have more questions this time-”

“Hey, you’re not gonna lose me if that’s what you’re so worried about. I don’t think you can get rid of me, actually.”

You gave a weak smile, “I really hope you’re right about that, you know.”

Whatever happened this time around, you knew it was bad and that Steve wasn’t going to tell you. Not right then. Steve didn’t want to ruin this moment with retellings of Russian soldiers and the Mind Flayer and codes. It was enough that you had seen it this time, though. Or you saw something, and he figured that fight would have been hard to miss.

It was quiet between both of you, but the silence wasn’t tense or straining. All it did was prove just how related things could be with the both of you. Besides, you weren’t sure how to really show that you were so giddy about what just happened.

“So… are you gonna open it?” he asked.

You nodded, “Right, yeah…”

A part of you wasn’t sure you wanted to open it, but if Steve was this insistent, it was probably kind of important. You tore open the wrapping paper to see a picture frame. In it was a pressed gardenia and some light purple lilacs in a picture frame with a cassette tape.

“Steve, I-” you tried to find something to say.

He smiled a bit, “You seemed to really like those flowers. And uh, you made me that cassette tape and it helps me sleep sometimes… I thought you could use something like that too. Especially at the time.”

“Thank you,” you said, quick to kiss him.

You still couldn't believe that Steve just showed up at the last possible second like that. It was still hard to believe that he would show up just to tell you how he felt. Not that it was hard to think he loved you. A year ago, that was all you wanted, though you weren't sure that you would have bought it.

This time around? It was obvious that things were different. Whatever changed, you weren’t sure, but you weren’t about to complain about it either. It was the first time in years that it didn't feel like Steve was hiding things from you. He just wasn’t talking about things that were probably painful for him to bring up. You didn’t want to make him hurt any more than he already had.

“So, are you going home or staying here?” you asked as you closed the first-aid kit.

He shrugged, “I can go if you want-”

“That’s not what I’m asking. I want you here, but do  _ you _ want that?”

Steve nodded, “Yeah, I really don’t wanna be alone right now.”

A part of Steve almost never wanted to tell you what happened that night just so you wouldn’t have to know how terrible the world could be. Except, that wasn’t fair to you and he knew that he couldn’t truly be with you without telling you everything. Not tonight, he wasn’t even sure where he would be able to begin if he told you everything in that moment.

“Okay, then you’re here for tonight,” you said and kissed his cheek, “How’s your head?”

He laughed, “Bigger and better than ever. Why my head?”

“Well, last time you got beaten up like that, you had one hell of a concussion. It was so bad you kissed me. I just wanna make sure that you’re not so concussed that that’s the reason you told me-”

“I  _ might _ have a slight concussion, but what difference does it make? I love you and I needed to tell you sometime soon or I’d probably miss my chance. You’d find someone else and I don’t wanna lose any chance I’ve got with you.”

“There never was anyone else,” you said as you turned out the light, getting under the sheets.

Steve got in bed next to you, “Is it alright if I hold you?”

“Yeah, I- I’d really like that,” you said.

He wasted no time in getting his arms around you and holding you as close as he could. After going through all that for a third time, he knew that he didn’t want to miss another moment just because he was being an idiot. Government be damned, they couldn’t even tell when a group of Russians thought it would be fun to reopen a freshly closed portal to another dimension. Surely they wouldn’t notice if he told you.

Sleep came easier to you that night than it did to Steve. The monster that you saw was so surreal that it didn’t plague your thoughts too much. It couldn’t have been real. Almost all of the night felt like some sort of dream.

Though, it was one that you never had to wake up from because when you heard the phone ring all the way from the living room, you were still tangled up right next to Steve.

You didn’t hear what was said. It wasn’t like the walls in the house had ever been all that thin. Steve was passed out and that only gave you more of a reason to turn over and go back to sleep. That felt like something you were both in a serious need of at that point.

Though, you knew that wasn’t an option when you heard the floorboards creaking as someone, you were pretty sure your mom, walked up the stairs. You shook Steve awake, to pretty much no avail.

“ _ Steve! You need to get under the bed!” _ you whisper-yelled as you heard the floorboards shift as your mom got closer.

Steve just barely stirred, “Hm?”

“ _ Now!” _ you pushed him off the bed and there was a thud as he landed on the carpet.

Getting the message, Steve rolled under your bed right as your mom knocked on the door. You were quick to stumble over your own feet to unlock and open the door.

You looked at your mom, “Hey.”

“Y/N, I, um, I have some news,” she said, walking into the room, “You’ll want to sit down for this.”

You let out a deep breath, “Okay, what’s wrong?”

Steve stayed put under the bed as you sat on your bed next to your mom. You wracked your mind for anything that could have possibly happened or gone wrong. Did your garden get poisoned all over again? It happened once before, but she probably wouldn’t have noticed something like that.

“It’s about your step-dad… you remember how he never showed last night?” she asked.

You nodded slowly, “Yeah? Mom, is he having an affair? Is he kicking us out?”

“No, it’s not that,” she paused, trying to gather herself, “Apparently, last night there was a fire at the mall. It’s all over the news this morning, and they… they figured out that he was one of the many in the mall when it happened. He- he didn’t make it out.”

You stared at your lap, “Oh.”

Somehow, that just didn’t feel real. Everything from last night felt like a fever dream and that you hallucinated what you saw. What happened at the mall last night? The only person you could think of that knew was laying right under your bed.

“I’m sorry, mom… um, what does that mean? For us, I mean.”

She shrugged, “I guess we find out what his will looked like. If he even had his affairs in order. There’s a chance that he did, but I think we’d have to find it first. I could have gotten nothing or everything. It’s all riding on that.”

“Okay,” you nodded, “Um, can I just, um, can I get a minute to myself?”

Your mom nodded, and hugged you tight, “Of course, dear. You take all the time you need."

With that, she left the room and once you heard the door click shut, you walked over and locked it. Steve was quick to come out from under the bed.

“Shit,” he said with a bit of a laugh, “That must’ve been a lot.”

You shrugged, “I guess that’s one way to put it. Steve, what  _ happened _ last night? I- I know it sounds crazy, but I saw this- this huge  _ thing _ over the mall and all these lights and then maybe some fire? I know it’s crazy, but did he really get killed by that?”

“It’s complicated, but I think he did, um, he was killed by the, uh, that thing you saw,” he said, plopping down on your bed, “Sorry, can- can we talk about  _ literally _ anything else? Like, are you okay?”

You sat next to him and leaned on his shoulder, “I mean, I’m not hysterical with grief, if that’s what you’re trying to ask there. It’s… complicated. Hell, it doesn’t even feel like he left for all the amount I talked to him in the last month. I guess if there’s anything I regret it’s assuming that he was having an affair or that he was off being too busy to care about anyone but himself while he was probably dying.”

“He did that to himself. He wasn’t great to you,” he pointed out.

“No, but it’s more like, he wasn’t anything to me. He got me that greenhouse, but that was it. Tommy’s probably gonna be the most shaken up about it.”

Steve nodded, “Probably, but that’s okay I think. He could use some sort of shaking up.”

“Is it bad that I hope he gets nothing in the will? If there is one, I mean. I’m sure he got something if there is one, but if he didn’t… I really think that’d be a weird form of justice.”

“It’s not bad. Not that it matters, but do you think you’re gonna get anything?”

You laughed, “I wasn’t anything to him. If anything, at most, I was an annoying step-daughter that he didn’t know what to do with. Had he been given a chance, I think he would’ve thrown me out or shipped me off to some stupid private school.”

“I’m glad he didn’t,” Steve said, kissing your cheek, “I’ll tell you about it someday. What happened to him. They’re not gonna actually say what happened, I guarantee it.”

“So… I’m  _ not _ crazy for seeing something last night?”

Steve frowned, “No, that was real. I wish it weren’t. It’d be better if you were just seeing things.”

“You don’t have to tell me right now. Hell, you don't have to ever tell me what happened if it’s gonna hurt you. All I wanted to know was if I’d actually seen something last night or if it was some trick of the light,” you held him close, “I don’t want you to think about all that stuff anymore than you have to.”

It was hard to tell if it was worse that things like that existed or that people lied about it. Sure, it made sense. Had someone called your mom and said he had been killed by a gigantic monster at the mall last night, that would have been terrifying and if it was taken care of, then maybe the less people that knew, the better.

“Actually, um, I have a couple questions. Just, quick ones and if it’s too much-”

“Go for it.”

“Is it gone?”

Steve nodded, “I think so.”

“Was something like that around before?”

“Something like that… it’s been around a couple times.”

You looked at him and you could almost feel your heart shatter. He had been through this before. Your mind raced, trying to put the pieces together. It had to be connected to that chemical leak that killed Barb. Maybe it caused the plants to die. Later, maybe it caused a huge monster to be created. Either way, it didn’t matter too much. What  _ did _ matter was that Steve had been through all this before.

“Um… do you wanna go back to bed?”

“Nah, I shouldn’t. We should do something, you know, as a couple,” he suggested, “Well, if you can handle being seen with this pretty face.”

You smiled and then kissed him, “What do you have in mind? Did you have that goal of getting ice cream with a pretty girl again?”

“Nope, anything but ice cream. Though, I do like the part with the pretty girl. Any idea where I could find one?” he asked, grinning.

You grabbed your pillow and hit him on the shoulder, “You’re insufferable.”

“And you love it.”

“I love  _ you _ , and everything that comes with you,” you said before kissing his forehead.

A part of you worried that it wouldn't feel different from normal, getting in Steve’s car once again. And of course it wasn’t anything super different. You had been in that car so many times it wasn’t even funny. Though, this time was more comfortable than ever before. His hand held yours as he drove towards the outskirts of town.

The plan was to take a day away from everything else. To actually talk and be with each other. Plus, it was easier to avoid the government and anything they would want him to sign, again, if he was out in the middle of nowhere with you.

At every red light he hit, he would lean over to kiss you. It was almost impossible to believe that less than a day before he had been at the bottom of a Russian Base, convinced it was all over for him. Deep down, he knew that had it not been for those moments, he never would have been able to show up to your party like that. For all he had to get through to finally say the things he wanted to, it felt worth it.

There was so much to look forward to, and Steve could see that. He wanted to tell you about everything too. Though, the fact that you knew  _ something _ was enough. It didn’t feel like he was constantly lying to you all the time.

Sure, he had a good reason to lie about everything. He had worried that someone would find out he said something and then that would result in you, him, or the both of you getting killed. Maybe he should have told you about Barb from the start. It would have been fair to you and maybe he wouldn’t have taken forever to finally come around the way he had.

Except, he also knew that he wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without this whole time where he was figuring it out. And it wasn’t like he never had you around. Somehow, you had been there through everything and he couldn’t be anything less than grateful for that. 

Steve knew that he would probably spend the rest of the time he was with you, making it up to you for all the things he did. Sure, he had been an asshole to most people, but he knew that what he did that hurt the most had to have been to you.

Nevertheless, Steve knew that it was going to be better this time around. He was going to be better.


	16. time, mystical time, cutting me open and healing me fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With all of the events of the Upside Down behind them, Steve finally finds it in himself to open up about the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last full-length chapter so I hope you guys enjoy it! I will upload the epilogue tomorrow <3

It was towards the end of July when the official funeral for your step-dad was held. There had been a service for all those who were killed in the fire a week before. One you ended up getting dragged into. Not that it was bad, Steve went with you. Though, it was clear he was just as keen to be there as you were.

Though, being at an actual funeral felt somehow worse. Steve kind of felt he had been to the worst one already when he went to Billy Hargrove’s a couple of days ago. He specifically told you that you shouldn't go. That he was mostly there to watch out for the kids. It was understandable. You remembered that Hargrove had a step-sister and if Steve felt like he could be helpful, you didn’t want to intrude. Especially when you wouldn’t have known anyone all that well.

Steve also insisted on going to your step-dad’s funeral when the time came as well. Not because he thought you needed him the way you needed someone at Barb’s funeral, but because he didn’t want you to be there alone. While you would have had your mom, she was so busy dealing with all the serious arrangements that you wouldn’t have wanted to give her any stress.

The only thing she let you handle were the flower arrangements. Most of which was dark red, almost black roses and assortments of white flowers. You never knew what sorts of things he liked. In all fairness, he never bothered to tell you much.

You tried to ask Tommy, just to see if grief changed him any. It only made him angrier. Your working theory was that he was convinced his dad left everything to your mom instead of him. Which was a possibility, but you knew that he’d turn out fine. He was leaving for college and with his dad gone, you were pretty sure that you were never going to see him much again after the funeral. That only made you look forward to it that much more.

All you wanted was for him to no longer be in your life. After all the things he did and comments he made and how much he came in between you and all the things you wanted to say and do, you probably should have wanted more. Maybe it would have made sense for you to have wished he had been the one to die in the fire, but you didn’t. He was so close to being gone and you could only be glad for that.

After all, had he not gotten his dad to vouch for him, you were pretty sure he would have been staying in Hawkins like Steve. Though, you were glad Steve was staying for a while. It meant there was time for both of you. No, you were never going to get him walking up to you at your locker or have him hold your hand as he walked you to class, but that was okay. What mattered was that you had him now and it made all the difference in the world to you.

With how nice it was outside, the actual burial was taking a long time as people talked to each other, trying to console your mom for her loss. It made you want to roll your eyes out of your head.

“You know, like, a month ago all these people were still calling my mom a cheating slut behind her back,” you said, leaning up against a tree.

Steve nodded, “Yeah, I know.”

“What, were your parents saying that?”

“Uh, yeah, they did… not that I really hear them talk much,” he sighed, “But, my mom always worries that my old man’s gonna divorce her for some younger woman like Tommy’s dad did.”

You nodded, “That makes sense… I just wish people wouldn’t be so damn nice about it now. It’s so fake and patronizing. And all for some guy who wasn’t even that great anyway.”

“Do you wanna get out of here for a bit?”

“Steve, I should at least stay-”

“Not  _ out _ , out. Just maybe to someone else’s grave?” he took your hand, “Come on, I think you could use a few minutes somewhere else.”

You were pretty sure you knew where he was going with this, so you went ahead and followed Steve through the cemetery. It was pretty this time of year with many trees giving shade. Families still left all sorts of flowers on graves and the grass was well-kept.

Sure enough, Steve led you right to where Barb’s headstone was. The grave was relatively well-kept, though the Hollands ended up moving to the next town over. Enough for a fresh start, but also close to where their daughter was.

“I really hope ghosts are real,” you said softly.

Steve nodded, “I’m sure they are.”

“Well, if they are… I really hope Barb’s doing okay. I- I still think about her a lot. The things I said and the things I wish I’d said instead had I known I was never gonna see her again,” you took a shaky breath, “I don’t think I’m ever going to feel like I’m actually over it.”

He wrapped an arm around you, “I know what you mean.”

“How? Sorry, I- I just… I never really thought you missed her all that much.”

“I guess it’s not that I miss her. Well, not in the same way you do. It’s more in the way I really wish I didn’t have that party. And how I miss being able to look at my pool and just see a pool. Instead, all I think about is her and whatever she must’ve gone through.”

You leaned into Steve, “Did she disappear there?”

“Probably… no one really knows how it all happened.”

Every day it felt like Steve was getting closer and closer to telling you what happened. He would let odd and end details in. Though, none of it was enough for you to figure out what happened. It was enough at this point that you were pretty sure it was worse than whatever chemical leak the lab got accused of.

Still, no matter how curious you got or how badly you wanted to know everything, you weren’t going to make Steve say anything that he didn’t want to. It was enough that you knew he was going to tell you. Or that if he never told you, it wasn’t because he was trying to dupe you. It was because he simply couldn’t bring himself to talk about every awful thing that had ever happened within the last couple of years.

“Oh, um, I think I forgot to leave this at your stepdad’s grave,” Steve said, pulling out a white chrysanthemum from the inside of his suit jacket.

You felt him press it into your hands, “Oh, did you want me to leave it here?”

“Whatever you want. You could put it in my hair if you’d like,” he suggested, grinning.

You rolled your eyes, though you couldn’t help but chuckle a bit as you knelt down and set the flower at Barb’s grave. Hopefully, she somehow knew that you still cared about her after all this time. That while it didn’t sting to the same degree, you knew that most of the damage could never be fixed. Not really.

“Is it okay if I tell you what happened to Barb?” Steve asked, sitting down on the grass.

You moved over to sit next to him, “Of course, if- if you’re ready, I wanna know.”

“Okay, well, I just don’t want you to get mad at me for not telling you when I knew. ‘Cause I’ve known a lot longer than you have and I’ve beaten myself up over it every day, but I really thought that telling you the truth was going to get you hurt,” he ran a hand through his hair, “I- I know it’s stupid, but I was told I couldn’t tell you. Technically, I’m still not supposed to, but you saw what happened at the mall and… it’s all connected and you deserve to know.”

You held his hand, “Well, you’re telling me now, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, you’re right, I am. Um, do you remember how Will Byers disappeared around the same time?” Steve asked.

He explained everything that he knew about the Demogorgon. At least, that was the name the kids gave it. How it went between dimensions and hunted people. It was attracted to blood and Barb had just the luck of cutting herself at his party. Something that he never thought would have been a big deal. He never even invited her, Nancy just insisted she come. In hindsight, Steve still didn’t get it, but it didn’t matter because she ended up getting killed either way.

No one knew if she died due to exposure to the other dimension or if she was eaten. Well, if anyone knew, they never told Steve about it. In all fairness, at the time he only cared about not getting into trouble for that said stupid party. He hadn’t realized how bad things truly had been.

Steve even tried to explain why he had cut you off so many times at that time. Right when you needed someone the most, he knew he couldn’t be around you when you were that hurt by what happened to Barb. It would have only made him more guilty.

“I know I shouldn’t have said those things, and you were smart for not wanting anything to do with me at the time,” Steve said.

You frowned, “You were grieving too. I never thought about that… I mean, you were still a total asshole, but I thought you were just doing it because you could. Because you wanted to just hurt me even more. I- I’m so glad that I was wrong about all of that.”

“I’m still so sorry that I said those things. That I told you she wasn’t going to come back. I knew she was dead and- well, hearing you talk about her like she just went on a road trip was hard to hear.”

You nodded slowly, “Yeah, I never really thought about that.”

“Of course you didn’t. I’d be surprised if you put all the clues together on your own. I- I wanted to tell you, just so you know. I felt awful about never telling you what happened. Like, when I saw you biking all the way out-”

“Why didn’t you tell me then?”

“Well, I um… I didn’t think you’d believe me,” he said, shrugging, “Plus, if I didn’t let you do some sort of digging, I figured you’d just try the whole thing again and- I couldn’t leave you on the side of the road like that in the first place.”

“I mean, I guess you’re right,” you admitted, squeezing his hand.

In all fairness, you wouldn’t have believed almost anything that Steve told you. Though, it made a lot more sense. That entire first year after Barb went missing made sense. How Nancy and Jonathan seemed to both be aware of something completely unknown to you, that wasn’t you going crazy. You noticed all those weird things because there  _ were _ weird things happening around you.

You took a look at the watch Steve wore, “We should probably get back, or I should anyways.”

“I’ll go with,” he replied as he got up, helping you off the grass, “I heard there was supposed to be some really good food after all this funeral stuff.”

You laughed as you got up and walked back to where everyone else was. No one seemed to notice that the two of you had been gone for a while. It seemed like people really had been shaken by this happening to someone they knew. Though, most of the town was in that boat. Around thirty people had been killed by whatever happened that night. You just knew it was a lot more complicated than some fire.

The funeral eventually ended and time continued to press onward. It was getting to be August once more and it was a lot better than the first time you tried to be with Steve. He was a lot more open, even if he didn’t explain himself completely. That wasn’t what you wanted. What you wanted was for him to know that he could trust you and that you cared about him.

Some nights, the strange monster would haunt your dreams and it would force you awake in the middle of the night. Steve wasn’t always there when you woke up, but he was always ready to answer the phone. Then, he would sneak up into your room and hold you close until you officially calmed down.

While you didn’t mention it, you thought it was stupid of you to be so hung up over something you saw. Something that didn’t even feel real. Steve was the one who dealt with all that. It made sense for him to be so shaken up about it. Though, you knew he would have insisted that you had every right to be scared of that thing. You would have been an idiot to not be scared of that sort of thing.

One morning, you were in the garden, watering some red tulips when Steve came in. He tended to pop in whenever. While the summer was nearing an end, you saw a lot more of him than you had before. Sometimes it was with the kids or with Robin, but he was getting paid rather nicely after losing his job since the place burned to the ground.

You two got plenty of time alone, but you were used to that. What you weren’t used to was him holding your hands in front of the kids he watched while Dustin would make some comment about it. While it was a quick way to make your face heat up and look at the floor, it also meant that Steve cared about you enough to show you to other people. That was more than you ever expected in the past.

“So… before everything at the mall, did you ever see anything weird that you couldn’t explain?” he asked, leaning on one of the tables inside your greenhouse.

You shrugged, “I don’t know, what constitutes weird?”

“Uh, let’s say something you saw once and then never again. Something you always had questions about but never got an answer that made sense, those types of things.”

You stood there and looked around, trying to think of something. The last couple of years had been so odd and you never expected to get a serious answer to your questions. Yet Steve was right there, always more than happy to offer an explanation at this point.

“Oh! I got it, back around last Halloween, when all the farmers lost their crops, everything I had planted in the ground just went rotten. Our new tree died and it was from some weird, slimy fungus. I think it was from some slugs I caught on a couple of plants, but they were really odd slugs too.”

Steve looked at you, “Wait, you saw actual slugs? Were they normal and you just didn’t recognize them or… what?”

“Well, I don’t know, they didn’t have the right coloring and they were hiding in some of the shadiest, darkest parts of the greenhouse which made it so hard to find them and throw them out,” you explained, “Wait, why do you ask?”

Steve took a deep breath, “You’ll wanna sit down for this one. I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

You went out of the greenhouse and sat on the lawn. Steve sat next to you and began to explain what happened all those months ago.

While you were busy wondering what could have been if Steve had decided to get back with you before that point, he had been learning about how those slugs were actually monsters. That the rot in the ground was from that other dimension. You had been a mere few feet away from tunnels that ran throughout the entirety of Hawkins.

Every time you picked up a slug and threw it out into the lawn, those things were going to molt into things similar to the Demogorgon creature that Steve described at the funeral. You had been so close to such a terrible fate this entire time and you never would have guessed it.

“So… you’re saying I’m really lucky to be alive right now?” you asked.

Steve nodded slowly, “Yeah, uh, I guess I am. I- I guess I knew about the whole thing with your plants, but I didn’t really connect it all until now.”

“Makes sense why you were with all those kids now,” you said.

At least, you were able to understand why Steve would be the one watching all those kids while Will was possessed by something from that different dimension. You just could barely believe that it happened twice. Well, technically three times, but you didn’t know much about the events of that summer.

To try and make up for such a jarring conversation, Steve got you lunch at the diner you liked so much. It just felt so surreal that you could have ended up exactly like Barb. Only, you weren’t so sure you would’ve had as many people out looking for you. Steve probably would have tried to do something, but he probably would’ve figured out what happened to you.

At least you wouldn’t have had some poor girl on a wild goose chase that she set up for herself just to try and find you. There was something mildly assuring about that. Though, if nothing else, hearing that finally got you to feel like you truly were lucky to still be around.

Time continued to pass by and you stayed with Steve. He was so good to you and you did everything you could to make him happy. School started and he was starting to look for another job with Robin as it became clear he wasn’t going to be getting whatever severance pay he had gotten for forever.

All the finances that dealt with your step-dad’s passing were still being sorted out. Though, it seemed more and more like everything was going to go to your mom. He never had a will in place, no matter how hard Tommy tried to insist they keep looking. At this point, you were sure he was just trying to delay the inevitable. Not that you thought your mom was going to cut him off. Though, you mainly hoped that just because it would keep him out of Hawkins.

The leaves on the trees were starting to turn orange, red, and gold in the park that you walked through with Steve. You had just gotten out of school and you wanted to see him. It had only been a day, but you had spent a lot of that day seeing other dumb couples getting to see each other the whole time.

“Hey, I think it’s about time I told you why I was so late to your party,” Steve said as he pulled you over to a park bench.

You nodded, “Okay. Is this the last thing of all the stuff that I’m technically not supposed to know?”

“Yeah, I think this is it. And if anything else happens, I swear I’ll tell you the first moment I think anything is going on,” he squeezed your hand, “It’s funny, because I was actually really close to telling you about this one before any of the crazy stuff happened.”

Steve finally explained everything with the Russian code that Dustin found that summer. How it all led to the Russian Base in the mall that had been spoken about on the news. The reason you didn’t see him at work was because he had been stuck down there, getting tortured by Russians. All the while the Mind Flayer that pulled the strings a year ago came back for more.

Your step-dad had both been killed by the monster and was the monster all at once. It made a lot more sense once Steve explained what happened in full, but it did make you feel sorry for him. Mostly because you couldn't imagine what being killed like that must have felt like. 

“So, that thing I saw that night, that was a bunch of melted up people?” you asked, furrowing your brow.

Steve nodded, “Yeah, it’s pretty gross to think about, but that’s how it happened. It’s all over this time, though. At least, I think so.”

“Hey, I’m sure it is. Whatever gate existed before is closed now and no American or Russian is gonna be able to change that again. It’s over,” you insisted.

At least, you hoped it was. You couldn’t blame Steve for being skeptical about it after the same thing happened three times. Still, you had been around through all of that one way or another. You weren’t planning on leaving now that you knew the full story.


	17. i don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time has pressed on and you find a ticket out of Hawkins. The only thing left to wonder is whether or not Steve will join you.

It was a chilly November afternoon when you got out of school. Your first move was to ride all the way to Family Video. Mostly to see Steve, but also because you were going to pick out a movie for that night. It was your turn to choose. Though, you had a lot more than just a movie to talk to him about.

You had a genuine spring in your step for most of the day. With Tommy gone to college in another part of the state, you didn’t have anything to worry about. Nothing held you back from doing what you wanted to.

For the first chunk of the year, you found it easiest to hang out with Robin. Though, when Jonathan left with his family, you ended up hanging out with Nancy again too. She didn’t have anyone else to talk to.

While Robin hadn’t been the biggest fan at first, she eventually warmed up to Nancy. It was nice to catch up with someone you grew apart from for so long. Maybe she just had an easier time talking to you now that you knew everything that happened, you weren’t sure. You didn’t care because it was nice to have someone back who you hadn’t been around for so long.

It didn't take all that long to get to Family Video and you walked right in. For a Friday afternoon, it was a bit slow. Not that you were about to complain, that meant more time to talk to Steve.

He stepped out from the back room to see who came in and grinned when he saw it was you, “So, how’s the prettiest person in the world doing?”

“I don’t know, how are you doing today?” you asked with a grin.

Steve rolled his eyes, “I’m supposed to be flattering  _ you _ .”

“Hm… must’ve missed the memo I guess,” you said with a shrug, “When do you get off?”

“Uh, in about half an hour? Do you know what you wanna watch tonight?”

“Yep! Oh, and I need to talk to you about something once you get off work,” you said and laughed at Steve’s concerned expression, “Nothing bad, it’s all really good news, I swear!”

Well, you thought it was good news and hoped that Steve would think of it in the same way. You just didn’t want to say anything important while he was working and could end up being interrupted by some impatient customer.

Though, Steve kind of figured that as long as it wasn’t you breaking up with him, it couldn’t be bad news. So he was kind of excited. Maybe you decided to go to school somewhere interesting and sent off an application.

He didn’t want to make the same mistake of planning his future around someone else, but he didn’t think it was a mistake to think about going with you somewhere out of Hawkins. This was different from what he had with Nancy. There was a genuine willingness to work through whatever happened that he didn’t have before.

You got in the car with Steve as soon as his shift ended and could barely keep quiet about everything for another minute, “Okay, do you wanna know what happened?”

“Yeah, should I just stay parked for this?” he asked, turning to look at you.

“Uh, probably. So, um, there was no will for my step-dad which means everything goes to my mom. Do you know what that means?”

“You don’t have to move?”

“Well, yeah, that, but do you remember the saltbox house up in Montauk?” you asked.

Steve nodded slowly, “Yeah? What about it?”

“My mom said she would be willing to give it to me after I graduate. I think I’m gonna say yes,” you explained and took one of his hands in yours, “I want you to go there with me.”

Steve blinked, “You want me to go to New York with you?”

“Well, yeah, if you’d like to. I’m not gonna make you if you don’t want to and I know it would be a while off. Hell, it could be after college or I could go somewhere up there. I- I applied somewhere close by there and if I get in, that would be kinda nice,” you took a deep breath, “But if you don’t want that, that’s totally fine.”

Steve shook his head, “No, that- that’s great. I just… I  _ want _ to go with you, that would be amazing-”

“But?”

“But I don't know if I can leave the kids here. What if something happens to them and I’m not here?” he frowned.

“Steve, you can’t put off your own life because of something that might never even happen…” you squeezed his hand, “Do you like it here?”

“I like that you’re here.”

“But in general, do you like Hawkins?”

He shook his head slowly, “No, but I can’t just leave Dustin.”

“You wouldn’t be leaving him, Steve. You guys could call on the phone or his walkie-talkie thing. We could come back whenever, and- and if on the off-chance something happened, you could find out and we’d get here right away,” you said, “I promise.”

Steve nodded, “I think I’d like getting out of here, you know. We could do some serious ghost hunting in that lighthouse. I was a bit distracted last time.”

You laughed and shook your head, “Whatever you’d like to do.”

“What would you plant?”

You shrugged, “Maybe some wisteria or roses… probably both. Some tulips would be nice.”

It was months from right then, but you knew that you wanted nothing more than for this to work out. Maybe it would be right after high school or maybe it would take a few years. None of that mattered as long as you knew there was a time you would get to leave this town behind. That felt promising to you somehow.

Steve took you back to his place. Sure, he still lived with his parents, but they were gone so often that it didn't matter. It was the perfect place to watch a movie and eat popcorn with him.

“So… did Tommy just get kicked out?” Steve asked as the movie ended.

You shook your head, “No, my mom’s covering his college and he can come back if he wants, but I don’t think he wants to. And I think she’s gonna sell the place once both of us are totally moved out.”

“That’s better than he deserves, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, but my mom doesn’t want him to end up on the streets or anything. Which, I guess I can understand. I really understand her getting rid of the house, though.”

It was strange to think of not getting to use your greenhouse all the time someday, but you would have your own. Besides, that house was much too big for your mom and yourself. If she lived on her own, it would get lonely pretty fast. 

Besides, you didn’t want Tommy to come back around again. After everything that happened, you knew that you had come so far without him. You didn’t want to even think about the risk of losing all that just because some douchebag step-brother thought he knew you.

None of that was worth worrying about anyhow. Not when you knew that you would get out one way or another. There was so much to look forward to. You were going to leave and have a life you enjoyed. Something far better than what you could have imagined two years ago.

You were going to leave either way, but you couldn’t explain just how relieved you were that Steve chose to go along with you. It was all you could have hoped for if you were being honest with yourself. If only because you knew that you didn’t belong in a place like this. Steve didn’t either.

Things weren’t necessarily going to be any easier out of Hawkins. You knew that both of you would keep having the occasional nightmare. A part of you wasn’t too sure that anything could fix that. Though, you wouldn’t be able to crawl onto your roof and see where that monster had once been if you were out of Hawkins.

Obviously, it took a while to get out of Hawkins. You had to graduate and Steve needed the time to come to terms with the fact that just because he was getting out, that didn’t mean he was abandoning everyone he cared about. He promised Dustin he would call an obnoxious amount. The same to Robin, though she would have been going off to college whether he left or not.

After what felt like so long and so hellish, you were both finally able to move on from everything that happened in Hawkins. And the best part? Neither of you had to do it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it! Whether you commented a bunch, left kudos, or simply read the work I would like to thank you for reading this entire fic. I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing it!


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